"Jibun no Karada o Yurusu made" (I want to say I love me) is a much-talked-about essay manga that lays bare the author's experiences of gender and sexual harassment. However, there's much more nuance to it than that, as will hopefully become clear by the end of this column.
The story centers on protagonist Poppy Pesuyama, a mangaka born biologically female. In 2013, Pesuyama is sexually harassed by a very popular male mangaka named Mr. X, when working as his assistant. Even after quitting the job, Pesuyama struggles to recover from the psychological damage and suffers flashbacks to the abuse. X is at fault here, obviously. But what is really devastating for Pesuyama is that they hear their own inner voice cursing themself, asking: "Why did I have to be born a woman?!"
Ever since childhood, Pesuyama has identified as non-binary, leaning more male than female. As a child, they had no choice but to bottle up those feelings of incompatibility with their own body.
X's sexual harassment uncorks years of pent-up self-loathing and Pesuyama finds it hard to control the deluge of inner turmoil that results. In 2019, Pesuyama decides to document their experience in a manga, to save themself. Mustering up their courage, Pesuyama messages X for the first time, expressing their anger about his actions. But the response Pesuyama receives from X is not at all what they expected.
First-person documentary-style essay manga became a popular genre in the 1990s. Predominately penned by women, they proved that even the deepest, darkest corners of the mangaka's mind can make for engaging entertainment, when leavened by cute drawings.
In that sense, "I want to say I love me" heralds the genre's arrival at an ultimate endpoint of sorts.
The story delves into just how much society's notion of sexual harassment has changed over the past seven years, making it an illustrative primer, especially for male readers.
The manga consists of two volumes, and at one point, actually reaches a tidy "ending" halfway through the second book. Ordinary mangaka would have ended the story there, but not Pesuyama.
The mangaka reveals how they had hoped that candidly discussing their experiences in manga would allow them to overcome their painful past trauma. But Pesuyama comes to realize that manga is merely a mirror. Although the process helped them objectively sort through the facts, their wounds remained unhealed.
With the help of a counselor, Pesuyama begins to dig even deeper, to squarely face what they have locked up within themself.
This brings the mangaka to their eternal quest to push the boundaries, using the medium not just for superficial treatment of themes but honest engagement with convoluted interiorities. Herein beats the heart of the true manga essayist.
Pesuyama is a self-avowed masochist who has said they get a thrill out of physical subjugation. They addressed their SM predilections in "Jitsuroku Nakumade Bokorarete Hajimete Koini Ochimashita" (A true account of how I fell in love for the first time when I was beaten until I cried) published in 2018. It is a testament to their talent that such niche themes still resonate so keenly with readers. If you liked "I want to say I love me," then I would recommend you also pick up the earlier work.
-- Kanta Ishida, Yomiuri Shimbun Senior Writer
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