Feeling the burn ... A clubber in 2003 Photograph: Sarah Lee
So we're three months in to the smoking ban, and as a non-smoker I can safely say I wish it hadn't extended to nightclubs. OK, it's nice to be able to wear the same shirt when you go for a Sunday roast after a night in a smoke-free environment (especially a shirt free of fag burns), and the health issue is undeniable. But since when have nightclubs been about health? We're talking about a place where you arrive at around midnight, leave when most people are starting breakfast and in between assault your liver, kidneys and hearing. Why not throw your lungs into the package (and an STD if you've been lucky)? Surely these places are meant to be salacious, not sanitised. When, on Nightclubbing, Iggy Pop sang, "We see people, brand new people, they're something to see," you know he's peering at them through a fug of fag smoke shot through with the rays of a mirrorball.
If you're in a pub or café you can nip outside for a quick gasper. But once you have entered a nightclub, especially one housed in a basement, you can't really go out into the melee of people queuing to get in. Most clubs now operate a queuing system so you can go to an arranged al fresco area just long enough to get your nicotine fix. But this interrupts the flow of the night. DJs have told me of suddenly seeing "holes" appear in the dancefloor as groups of mates suddenly elect to go and queue for a cigarette together. A DJ wants to see a unified throng, not something that looks like a slice of Emmental cheese.
The ban also affects the DJs themselves, who have to forgo cigarettes for at least two hours. I've noticed this particularly exasperates the French - currently the hottest thing in dance music - as everybody in France smokes (I think smoking replaced national service over there). Worst of all, clubs now smell bad, as fag fumes no longer mask the combined stench of spilt beer, BO and flatulence.
To combat this some clubs have tried to scent themselves with synthetic odours. I asked why my throat felt coated with something noxious in a club in Manchester recently, and was informed that it must be the lovely "strawberry" fragrance being pumped into the venue. Some clubs are considering introducing the smell of tobacco into their clubs, as this is proven to be the best way to cover up the pong. But surely this is tantamount to gassing a dogs' home with aniseed? The smokers will be gnawing their hands off in frustration and leaving early to go home where they don't have to queue for a ciggie, leaving the dancefloor with even bigger holes. The campaign for re-introducing smoking in clubs starts here. Who's with me? (Cough.)
