ROO-VERKILL
The Fiver had a hope. A simple, honest hope. We don’t ask for much. Usually just a steady supply of Tin and a desk under which to quietly lie and drink it, hopeful that The Man won’t find us, prop us up next to the typewriter and forces us to write things. But in a world where it’s possible to escape from a plane that’s quite literally on fire, write about it very shortly afterwards and still get ‘I expect better from the Guardian’ comments, simple hopes like ours are perhaps too much to ask for.
The hope we had was that once Wayne Rooney had slotted home his 50th goal for England and broken Bobby Charlton’s long-held record, once he had given the interviews and a quite endearing speech to his England colleagues in the dressing room, that we could all just stop talking about it for a bit. We thought that perhaps now it was all done, we could just agree that Rooney isn’t as good as we all thought he was going to be, but much better than some would have you believe he is. That 50 goals for your country is a fine feat while also acknowledging that other people have indeed scored more. Then we could get back to talking about important matters like net spend, fella, and whether Scotland’s players should really have been chowing down on a Whopper and fries after their game against Georgia this week.
Alas, we were wrong. The Man did indeed find us under the table, whimpering, and made us talk about him more. Make it stop, please. Can everyone just make it stop? Please? If it helps the Fiver can revive the old Stop Football campaign if it will help? Please?
In any case, the real victory for Rooney is not beating Charlton’s record, but that he is officially better than the Queen. Rooney stands at level 43rd in the list of all-time international goalscorers, while Ol’ Betty is a comparatively miserable equal 48th in the ‘Being A Monarch And Staying Alive For Ages’ stakes. Take THAT, Queenie.
Anyway, Rooney’s blooted penalty wasn’t the only thing of note that happened on Tuesday night in internationalland. San Marino scored a goal! Imagine that! It was their first competitive away goal in 14 years, and their first of any description in almost exactly two years, so it was hardly surprising that everyone completely lost their brains after Matteo Vitaioli belted a free-kick home against Lithuania, levelling the scores at 1-1. Alas, because the universe is a cruel, dark place that doesn’t want us to have nice things, Lithuania scored a 92nd-minute winner to snatch joy from the Sammarinese, and anyone with an ounce of romance in their hearts.
Elsewhere Austria earned their place at the European Championship for the first time ever after beating Zlatan Ibrah… sorry, Sweden 4-1. The only other time they’ve been allowed in was 2008 when they co-hosted the thing, Uefa rather understandably decreeing that if the people providing the pitches and goals and watered-down lager weren’t permitted to play, then it would just be weird. Like the bit in Come Dine With Me when the guests go and poke around the host’s bedroom and accidentally find all manner of saucy nocturnal accessories that have been mysteriously left lying around for all to see. Weird.
And finally the top bods at the Croatian FA got the biggest bin they could find, daubed ‘DO ONE’ in big letters on the side and invited manager Niko Kovac to hop in, deciding that a draw to Azerbaijan and a defeat to Norway simply wouldn’t do. “When Niko Kovac heard the decision he accepted it like a gentleman,” mumbled a suit, but not just any suit – a suit called Davor Suker. Yep, that Davor Suker. From chipping Peter Schmeichel to handing out P45s. How times change.
There. That was nice, wasn’t it? A nice little while not talking about Wayne Rooney. Let’s do more of that.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“If you are dating a woman who does not want to respond positively, then you must look for another woman” – Togo head coach Tom Saintfiet goes all Swiss Tony after deciding not to pick Emmanuel Adebayor anymore.
FIVER LETTERS
“May I be the first to congratulate Jacob Steinberg, who has admirably upheld the Fiver’s rigorous journalistic standards by falling asleep in a big comfy chair and waiting for a story to happen to him” – Rich Parry.
“The funniest part of me winning the Prizeless letter o’the day (apart from all the obvious Spurs gags) is that my wife - bless her - when I was boasting of my huge success, simply pointed out that you mis-spelled Priceless letter of the day. You can see were I get the unerrering ability to faithfully follow something so useless” – Graham Haslam.
“it’s difficult to see USA! USA! USA!’s 4-1 loss to Brazil yesterday as anything but a disappointment but perhaps Jürgen Klinsmann may want to sell it as a great achievement by taking lessons from the PR company covering this film who managed to cunningly take Benjamin Lee’s two-star review in Big Paper and put it in the centre of the poster whilst simultaneously making it look like a good thing. A doff of the cap to all involved” – Noble Francis.
“I am guessing that to call ‘Virgil’ Gomis’ goal for Nottingham Forest U-18s ‘epic’ would be far too obvious. Not having seen the match, I have no idea if it was in any way ‘poetic justice’ – Scott Henderson.
“Re Craig Fawcett (Fiver letters, yesterday) asking about better-named teams in world football: my father, the not so legendary Erastus Siranjofu, played for a team called Misikhu Green Mosquitoes FC. Suffice to say they played in green” – Bertil Murunga.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rich Parry.
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BITS AND BOBS
After making his first competitive start for Spain, David de Gea has set his sights on a return to the Manchester United first XI. “Now I need to keep working and see if I have some good fortune at my club as well,” he roared.
Football In Being Good Shock, part one: The 80 teams in this season’s Champions League and Europa League have agreed to donate €1 per ticket from their first home games to help the refugee crisis.
Football In Being Good Shock, part two: a coalition of football fan groups has appealed for club scarves to distribute to refugees in Calais as a practical and symbolic gesture to demonstrate support.
STILL WANT MORE?
Playing under Pinochet: how Chile’s stars of the 1970s feared for their lives – Carl Worswick and the Blizzard investigate.
“I don’t want to downplay the absolute moral primacy of Premier League transfer window etiquette, which in many ways is what separates us from the animals …” So begins page eight stunnah Marina Hyde’s latest tranche of brilliance, this time taking a look at Saido Berahino.
What have Stern John, John Dahl Tomasson and Landon Donovan got in common? They’ve all got to 50 international goals before Wayne Rooney, writes Paul Wilson.
Anthony Martial is going to need time to settle at Manchester United, writes Amy Lawrence.
Which footballers are named after other footballers? The Knowledge has the answer.
You give me one good reason to leave me, I’ll give you 10 good reasons to stay. That, or 10 talking points from the week’s Euro 2016 qualifiers.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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