I DON’T WANT TO GO TO CHELSEA
The Fiver can’t remember whether it was Thales of Miletus or Dave Lee Roth of Van Halen who declared: “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness just doesn’t know where to go shopping.” But that doesn’t matter because what’s important is the message: mo’ money, mo’ larks.
But that’s a shallow way to see the world, according to a new generation of Premier League philosophers. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Fernando Llorente and Ross of Barkley are in the vanguard of a movement towards a more wholesome creed, which translates into a noble reluctance to join Chelsea.
Once, Chelsea could attract any player they wanted simply by offering them houses made of diamonds and toilets of pure gold. But there’s been a paradigm shift. Some players are no longer charmed by lolly. Nor even, necessarily, by the lure of gleaming thrones or shiny trophies. For those players true wealth and happiness reside in human relationships and joyful expression.
This doctrine is of course predicated on already being loaded but, all the same, it appears to have led Oxlade-Chamberlain to eschew Chelsea’s advances this week, Antonio Conte’s obsessive tactical rigour being much less fun than running around with giddy abandon at Liverpool and getting cuddles from Jürgen Klopp. Similarly, Llorente seems to have deduced that Spurs looks a more chipper place right now than Stamford Bridge. And late last night Barkley appears to have had a similar epiphany, so he backed out of a move to Chelsea, despite a transfer having been agreed, in order to return to hang around a while longer at Goodison Park.
The decision left Chelsea bewildered, for what fulfilment could Barkley find at Everton when he returns from injury, bearing in mind that Wayne Rooney plays in a similar position and has got his mojo and fitness back?
What Chelsea didn’t know – but what many other people did, possibly including Cheshire police following a photo tweeted from an upmarket bar by English cricketer Joel McIver – was that Rooney stepped out for some sustenance last night. At some point following that tweet, Rooney was arrested on suspicion of drink driving. He has been released on bail and is due to appear at Stockport magistrates court on Monday 18 September, the day after Everton play at Manchester United. No one knows what will happen from here. But Barkley may fancy his chances of getting more games for his boyhood team once he recovers from injury.
Or maybe he twigged that in a few more months he can join a club for no transfer fee at all, potentially enabling him to trouser a massive sign-on fee and bigger wages. Cogito ergo whopping great sums.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Harry Maguire is another likable debutant, a footballer who looks less like a footballer, more a charismatic minor snooker player of the 1980s who keeps losing to Stephen Hendry in the quarter-finals and will eventually grow jowly and pale and overflow the edges of his beige tuxedo” – Barney Ronay in fine form in this piece on England’s doomed search for an “identity”.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: hatstand [yesterday’s Fiver letters]: well…there is a fourth possibility … and you’ve probably now got 1,057 people telling you what it is” – Sam Carpenter (and 1,056 others).
“May I be the first of 1,056 otorhinolaryngology pedants to point out he is having his outer ear examined, unless he has a perforated eardrum, in which case you can see the middle ear also. Bit of a worry if you can see his inner ear, or indeed if light comes out of the other side” – John Moore (and no other otorhinolaryngology pedants).
“If you’re going to show two pictures of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain having a checkup, then the least you can do is show him having his right ear examined the second time. I am now questioning the thoroughness of Liverpool’s medical staff” – Marisa Cardoni
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is otorhinolaryngology’s John Moore.
BITS AND BOBS
Wayne Rooney is due to appear in court later this month after being arrested for drink driving in the early hours of Friday morning.
Rafa Benitez ain’t happy with Newcastle, no he ain’t happy at all. He’s so unhappy that if West Ham came callin’, he might board the southbound Do One Express.
Depress yourself silly about how much money Premier League clubs spent in the summer transfer window. Spoiler: it was £1.4bn. Or, if you prefer, only about 28 Kyle Walkers.
And if you want to see all the moves from the summer, they’re all in our jazzy transfer interactive.
Bad night for Dennis Bergkamp: with his Arsenal hat on he would have thought ‘What could’ve been’ as Thomas Lemar bagged a brace for France on Thursday, and with his Dutch cap on he would have thought ‘Oh crumbs’ as those two goals were against Holland, giving their World Cup qualifying hopes a kick in the pants.
STILL WANT MORE?
THE VERDICT: how did your club do in the transfer window? Our writers pick through the last few months in the market and assess who’s been naughty, and who’s been nice.
Put your money on goals in the two upcoming World Cup qualifiers between Nigeria and Cameroon: both have what we’ll politely call goalkeeping ‘issues’, as Paul Doyle will tell you.
Championship Manager is 25 years old. Send us your tales of turning down social opportunities to stay in, hunched over the laptop, sweating. And also your memories of playing Championship Manager.
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