Our father who art in Heaven, we give thee thanks for this food, and for our family, and especially for our children. Our children are the future. “Teach them well and let them lead the way,” that’s what people say. But Lord, let’s be honest, some kids just aren’t leadership material.
I mean, look at my son over there, pouring salt into the pepper shaker again. If he ends up leading someone or something, I would be very concerned for the safety of that someone or something. I really would.
I want my son to follow his dreams, Lord. I just hope his dreams don’t lead him to a place where heroin is cheap and plentiful. I pray that his dreams don’t even lead him to a bar at happy hour, honestly, because that’s not going to end well. I pray that his dreams never involve flaming tequila shots dropped into pitchers of beer.
But I know I should try to see him as a leader, because if I can’t, who will?
And I suppose if there were a very small sovereign nation somewhere, one that was looking to power down its productivity while simultaneously boosting its random acts of military aggression, that might be an appropriate venue for my son to lead.
Maybe this country has hostile relations with a rival nation, and this requires a leader who can sit on that nation’s belly and yell I’M THE BOSS OF YOU! and then knock over its glass of red wine on the carpet and refuse to clean it up afterwards. In that case, my son could lead the way. Otherwise, it would be an abject disaster.
Speaking of disasters, look how my daughter insists on crouching on her haunches instead of sitting on her butt, so she can hover over her plate like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Look at how she’s already shoving bread rolls into her mouth, while everyone else waits politely to eat. People say that children can achieve anything, they just have to believe in themselves. But my daughter believes in herself a little too much, even though she can barely remember to flush the toilet after she uses it.
She volunteers to play goalie at every single soccer game, Lord. It’s like she can’t remember the last five games, where she stood inside the net and balls whizzed right past her, over and over again. Is the girl impervious to groans and eye-rolling? Does she have some superpower for filtering out all negative feedback? Give me that superpower, Lord, and get my kid to wake up and smell the shit hitting the fan around her. She’s absolutely positive she’s going to set the world on fire, but all I see in front of me is a potential arsonist.
If she winds up in federal prison – and I don’t see a scenario where she doesn’t – it’s going to be on my husband’s head. Rick is the one who’s constantly telling our kids that they’re made of magic. Just look at him over there, prattling on to Aunt Ruth about his dumb job as if she’s dying to know more about commercial refrigeration systems. What is that, his fourth glass of wine? Christ, what a dreamer.
He thinks our kids are unique snowflakes and the world is just one big commercial refrigeration system.
The other day, Rick was praising and high-fiving both of our kids for breathing oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide, and I couldn’t take it any more. So I went on a long walk to clear my head, and it took me right by this bar at happy hour. Inside, people were dropping flaming tequila shots into pitchers of beer, and I just couldn’t resist. The next thing you know, Lord, I was right in the middle of the action, crouching on my bar stool like Gollum and tossing back shots and yelling I’M THE BOSS OF YOU! Things got a little blurry after that, but I do faintly recall dropping a flaming tequila shot into my purse instead of the pitcher, and then stuff was on fire and people were screaming and eventually the cops came and I tried to explain myself but there were groans and eye-rolling and then someone said she was concerned for my safety, so they put me in a cab and somehow I made it home. It was an abject disaster.
Oh, it looks like my daughter is giving a toast now. She says she’s thankful for her brother and her dad. The boys get all the glory, of course. But most of all, she says, she’s thankful for … her mom! Who is the best mommy in the whole world! Who is unique and special and made of magic!
Bless this day, oh Lord! Our children truly are miracles. They bless us with everything they do and say! Thank God we have them to lead the way. Amen, amen, amen!
