"Bored with Ambridge? Never!" Vicky in The Archers. Discuss, incredulously.
Ambridge, jaw-dislocatingly dull in summer, has been enlivened only by Sid's efforts to dislodge his wife's ex-husband from The Bull. Wayne "On the Road Again" Tucson, a country-and-western singer with no visible means of support but the bar, has moved in, like a cuckoo in a cowboy hat. Wayne could give a limpet lessons in advanced adhesion. He has wheedled his way into the affections of Jolene, the landlady, and Freda, the cook ("She's all woman, Freda. Oi get a little treat now and then"). Oi bet you do, Wayne. Sid can only repeat plainly and plaintively, "When d'you think you'll be leaving? How about Friday?"
Shifting the adhesive guest is quite an art. Margot Asquith used to start undressing. As she was the wife of the prime minister this added a touch of unaccustomed colour to life at No. 10. The Ainu of Japan simply go and live with relatives. Who, presumably, go and live with more relatives in their turn.
When Lilian's love life hit the rocks recently, she went to live with her relatives, who have been increasingly restive about it. Happily, Matt, the man in her life, has turned up again in the nick. Perhaps I could have phrased that more tactfully. Matt and his partner in crime, the sinister Chalkie, have had their collars felt by the Serious Fraud Office for conning the bank out of £5,000,000, and yesterday they were up before the beak. One feels their case will feature prominently for some time to come in the Borchester Echo which, like the rest of us, has had it up to here with The Versatile Bee Competition and will fall with whimpering gratitude on a couple of copper-bottomed crooks with blankets over their heads.
Will Matt do 10 years' porridge? Will Chalkie grass him up to the filth? Will Lilian's love wither on the vine? Read all about it.
The Archers, 7pm daily except Saturdays, Radio 4
