LET’S GIVE VAN GAAL A DOSE OF CREDIT
Whisper it, but Louis van Gaal has something up his sleeve. A surprise goal-getter whose name shall not be uttered is on his way to Old Trafford and it’s not who you think it is. “He’s in the process,” Van Gaal teased over the mystery man 24 hours after it emerged Wayne Rooney had been told he was going to be the focal point of the attack, Javier Hernández is set for a second chance and James Wilson would remain. “It’s not the striker that the media has written about. You have to wait and see. The transfer period is open until August 31. You have to wait.”
The Fiver spent most of this morning in silence, curled up in a quiet corner of Fiver Towers so The Man could not find him. Not because The Fiver is avoiding The Man. Nope, not at all. The Fiver was simply stunned that there remains a striker United have not been linked with. Van Gaal must not be a reader of the Rumour Mill, where every attacker worth his salt has been linked with joining his team. Thrice. It’s not Pedro, nor is it Thomas Müller. It’s not Robert Lewandowski, nor is it Edinson Cavani. We’ve already had links to Álvaro Morata, Felipe Anderson and even Harry Kane, so who could it possibly be?
After much thinking in that quiet corner, a moment of clarity and a simple explanation arrived: Van Gaal has fooled us all and is referring to Rooney, who has spent much of the past few seasons in midfield. It wouldn’t be the first time a manager said “he’s like a new player” or something to that effect, though that particular stock phrase is most often reserved for those on the way back from a lengthy injury absence.
Let’s give Van Gaal a dose of credit, though. He’s a master at driving journalists and easily excited social media addicts up the walls. He has taken over the mantle of King of the Vines from Mr Roy by singing about himself, patting himself on the back with a vigour previously only known to Big Sam, and he is now also getting the names of his own players mixed up. Referring to Chris Smalling – who says he is not bothered by the possible arrival of Sergio Ramos when he really should be – as Mike Smalling must have settled the England defender’s nerves. All in the process of banter.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I know that I am representing myself, my family, friends and everyone in Myanmar and Thailand. I want to be a positive role model and a symbol of hope that there is life outside the refugee camps” – Kler Heh, 18, who moved to England from a refugee camp in Thailand and was unable to speak the language, has been awarded a professional contract by Sheffield United. Huzzah!
FIVER LETTERS
“So Raheem Sterling clutched his stomach and groaned the day before, then made sure to take two days off so everyone knew he was really ill, for realz? The Fiver should be so proud to provide such excellent advice to the young scamp, who not only got away with his sickie but never had to go back to that job at all. Perhaps fooling the man is easier than you thought?” – Mark Jelbert (and no one else).
“Please count me among the 1,056 American pedants who is not entirely sure whether The Fiver is truly mystified by the playing of national dirges prior to the West Brom-Charleston game or if Cousin Fiver is putting one over on us Yanks. If the Fiver is indeed open to edification on the matter, let it be known that it is customary in the US of A. to play the Star Spangled Banner at virtually all significant sporting events – defined for our purposes as events held at a venue accommodated with either a functioning PA system or, better yet, an adequately trained marching band. Should the visiting team at said competition be based in a country whose banner is spangled with something other than stars, then the anthem of that team’s nation is also played. In this way, the majority of NHL players are granted the honor of hearing their own nation’s anthem whenever they face one of the league’s Canada-based teams” – Tim Schreiber.
“Well if you’re desperate (more than usual that is) and football-related raps are back on the agenda, I’m reminded of a JME freestyle featuring the following: “Don’t act my bars aren’t cold, better than a top corner by Scholes, better than a 24-hour supermarket opening at the end of your road” – Joseph Grist.
“As James McClean is not playing football today, I’ve decided to be outraged by Iain Irvine’s call to stop STOP FOOTBALL! Many of us have spent a lot of faux outrage down the years on our calls to STOP FOOTBALL, Iain, and you’ve no right to try to put a stop to the top, top, top football stoppers among Fiver letter writers who want it stopped. So stop this stop STOP FOOTBALL nonsense NOW!” – Justin Kavanagh.
“On a Monday, in heavy traffic, on a sweaty autobus, having just opened The Fiver, a reminder that all painful and unpleasant things have a conclusion was very welcome. While your headlines usually cause the right side of my upper lip to raise perhaps one eighth or one sixteenth of an inch, Monday’s contribution managed a respectable one quarter. The folly of calling our national anthem a dirge! I will no doubt be the first of 1,057 Patriotic Pedants to remind you of the fact that a dirge is funereal, whereas our anthem is inspires teams to vict- oh ... Anyway I’m getting off now. STOP THE BUS” – Daniel Thomas.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Justin Kavanagh.
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BITS AND BOBS
Wolfsburg suit Klaus Allofs has hauled Lord Bendtner into his office to tell the striker that he “clearly” lags behind his team-mates. If you thought Allofs was talking about his football ability, you were wrong. If you thought Allofs was talking about his fitness you were right. “I hope he realises that this does him good,” stern-faced Allofs. “He can really do with this to get better.” Again, he is talking about Bendtner’s fitness.
Chelsea are leading the race to sign the Ghana left-back, Baba Rahman, from Augsburg, though Juventus and Roma are well placed in the peloton should the Blues go the way of Geraint Thomas.
And the headline-of-the-day award goes to ...
“Obviously I will be facing Chelsea soon, so I want to beat them.” Petr Cech praises Arsenal’s team spirit but isn’t holding out much hope for po’ old Wojciech Szczesny and po’ old David Ospina getting into the starting side.
Tottenham’s plan to have no midfielders by the new season has been given a boost by the sale of Benjamin Stambouli to PSG, who follows Paulinho, Lewis Holtby and Etienne Capoue out the door.
Newcastle United have signed Anderlecht striker Aleksandar Mitrovic, who fell just short in his attempt to beat Aaron Lennon’s world record for looking exceptionally underwhelmed at his unveiling.
Rickie Lambert is about to climb aboard the bus marked Do One, which will be stopping at West Bromwich Albion.
César Azpilicueta has been humming that D:Ream song all day so when he was asked about his team-mates Cesc Fábregas and Diego Costa, he naturally said things can only get better for them, or something to that effect. “That should worry the other teams,” he finger-wagged.
Kick It Out’s Lord Herman Ouseley has outlined his “deep frustration” at “the paucity of corporate leadership across all aspects of the professional game” in the wake of the Football Association’s decision not to charge Malky Mackay and Iain Moody last week.
STILL WANT MORE?
Long gone are the pre-season days of cross-country runs and midnight booze sessions. It’s all drones, sprints and Snoozeboxes (obviously!) as Stuart James found out when he was hanging ten with the Swansea crew.
Is João Moutinho on his way to Arsenal? Is Mathieu Flamini doing one to Galatasaray? Today’s Rumour Mill takes yet another uneducated guess.
Goals! Goals! Goals! If you are looking to waste time.
And get your hands on tickets for an extra special, season preview, live, on-stage edition of Football Weekly. AC Jimbo, Barry Glendenning, Rafa Honigstein, Paul MacInnes and Gregg Bakowski will be treading the boards in London on Thursday 6 August.
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THAT SOUND IN LFFS LAST NIGHT? THAT WAS THE WEEKEND’S ALCOHOL LEAVING THE SYSTEM
