FUN AND GAMES IN THAT THERE LONDON
Manuel Pellegrini has a reputation for being dour in public but The Fiver knows a thing or two about comedy and it has come to realise that the Chilean is actually a master of deadpan delivery. After all, just look at what Pellegrini had to say after Gollivan convinced him to sign a contract worth up to £7m a year to become Taxpayers FC’s new scapegoat-in-waiting: “I think West Ham has a very good team. I know all of the players and I saw most of the games that they played last season.” Apart from the ones where Joe Hart had his shoelaces tied together and Patrice Evra looked like he was busy thinking about what he was going to post on Instagram, of course. The point here is that Pellegrini managed to keep a straight face as the words fell out of his mouth before magically materialising on the club’s official site and, if nothing else, at least more hilarious lines like that will have them rolling in the aisles at the D1ldoD0me next season. Seems The Fiver’s got some competition!
But maybe Pellegrini was just being nice. Because having worked with elite talents like Him, Sergio Agüero, Yaya Touré, Martin Demichelis and Jesús Navas, it is unlikely that he has surveyed a squad that looks like it’s been cobbled together with twigs and old chewing gum by a teenager whose point of reference is Football Manager 2012 and thought that Andy Carroll could be his new Juan Román Riquelme. No. No, no, no. It was a joke. A funny joke made by one of football’s great raconteurs, whose spirits were high after fulfilling a lifelong dream to follow in the footsteps of Avram Grant and Glenn Roeder and to get a chance to see the famous bubble machine up close.
West Ham are happy, though, which is nice. Makes a change. And at least they’ve appointed a new manager, which puts them one step ahead of Arsenal. That might not last for long, though, because it seems the north Londoners have identified the man to replace Arsène Wenger – ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Tactics Tim! Not really. Calm down, Troopz. That was a joke too, The Fiver’s attempt to compete with Manuel the Mirthful. The actual truth is that the Gunners have spent the past week leading Mikel Arteta on a merry song and dance before thanking the Manchester City coach for his time, showing him towards the door marked Do One and asking him to send through Unai Emery. Some have said the Spaniard’s record of success in Big Vase and fine eye for detail will make him the perfect fit at the Emirates, although The Fiver reckons it was PSG’s capitulation against Barcelona last year that made the difference. Either way, it’s all fun and games in the capital.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Glad to sign up to do this show next year. Great lads and will be a great show. My fee for the show will be going to to a couple of charties. Make sure you all come and support it” – former big-boned Norwich striker Grant Holt confirms he will be donning Lycra and grappling at the World Association of Wrestling’s supershow, Fightmare 3, next year.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, on the flamin’ sacrosanct Socceroos.
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RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … the FA Cup final and the dying embers of the football season.
FIVER LETTERS
“Can Stephen Edwards please write The Fiver from now on? I laughed a lot more at his letter than at anything written by your ‘journalists’ for ages” – Tom Duignan (and loads of others).
“Now that Arsenal have signed Richard E Grant off Withnail and I, they might look again at the opening scene: his first line of any substance is: ‘I have some extremely distressing news.’ Of course, it all goes downhill from there” – Charles Antaki.
“I see that everyone is happy to mock soon-to-be Arsenal manager Unai Emery but at [Qatar FC] he bottled it in Europe with a talented team and at Sevilla he never finished in the top four, went an entire season without winning away in the league and finished seventh in his last season. I can’t think of anyone more perfect for the position” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Forget Fat Les and the John Barnes rap because 1997’s Will Smith, Era Istrefi and Nicky Jam are making the official Ethics World Cup ditty, with a poptastic track set to be released on Friday.
Borussia Dortmund have brought “The Brain” to the club after appointing Lucien Favre as manager. “He is well-respected for his qualities which he has impressively proven at Hertha, Gladbach and recently Nice,” trilled sporting bod Michael Zorc.
Perhaps Harry Kane will decide whether he takes corners or not in Russia after being named England captain for the Big One. “Harry has some outstanding personal qualities,” wooed Gareth Southgate.
Hugo Lloris, Mile Jedinak and Simon Kjaer have got together to pen a letter to Fifa, asking them to lift Peru captain Paolo Guerrero’s ban for accidentally ingesting jazz salt while drinking tea. “In our view it would be plainly wrong to exclude him from what should be a pinnacle of his career,” they said.
Alex McLeish insists Scotland need to become giantkillers after being depleted by knack. “[Plucky] Wigan beat Man City in a recent FA Cup game so we are looking for those kind of performances,” he mused.
Sunderland could yet perform a nifty U-turn and reappoint Chris Coleman. “I wouldn’t rule out potentially talking to Chris,” swooned new owner Stewart Donald.
Bristol City and Senegal striker Famara Diédhiou has been banned for six league games after being found guilty of gobbing at an opponent.
And Zinedine Zidane has no intention of swapping Him for Mo Salah any time soon. “[He] is the best, He shows it every year,” he swooned.
STILL WANT MORE?
Amy Lawrence on Unai Emery and Arsenal’s tradition of appointing unexpected managers, and what he can expect in his in-tray, while Adam White gives us the skinny on the soon-to-be new gaffer’s grasp of technical detail.
Manuel Pellegrini’s appointment has the look of a managerial coup about it, trills Jamie Jackson.
Manchester United’s belatedly relaunched women’s side appointing Casey Stoney would be a smart move, reckons Suzanne Wrack.
Is La Liga’s current Big Cup and Big Vase dominance unprecedented? Let this week’s Knowledge be your guide.
The latest World Cup Stunning Moment recalls Gazza’s epoch-defining bawling at Italia 90.
And Dominic Fifield asks, in the light of Roman Abramovich’s Visa-knack, is the oligarch’s era at Chelsea drawing to a close?
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