It is customary at this time of the year to take a not too serious look back on the past 12 months, although there are some events you may well prefer to forget. If nothing else it will serve as a reminder that Thailand will always be Truly Amazing.
Salute to selfies: Never before in the annals of recorded human history have so many people taken so many mindless photographs of themselves doing so many things that are of absolutely no interest to anyone.
Not so smart: Bangkok becoming the undisputed world capital of "distracted walking", the polite term for people who bump into you because they are totally preoccupied with their precious phones.
Periscope down: The multi-billion-baht submarine purchase didn't exactly get citizens gleefully dancing the hornpipe out on the streets. Rumours the sub would be engaged in action against disaffected porpoises or invading man-o-war jellyfish could not be confirmed.
Taking a whiff: Thailand's Pollution Control Centre recruiting 167 "smell assessors" to sniff out malodorous emissions. While not the most pleasant of jobs it probably beats being an "odour judger" whose job is to sniff people's armpits to check whether a deodorant is working or not.
In your dreams: A senior policeman announcing with a straight face there is no prostitution in Pattaya. Apparently the resort is back to an almost pristine state having also eradicated ladyboys, assorted riff-raff and bridge players.
Least surprising news: Report that the local probe into the Rolls-Royce bribery case was stalled while they "await certain documents'' from the UK. Don't hold your breath as it looks like the documents have been put on a slow boat to China.
Runner-up least surprising news: Report that Bangkok's traffic congestion is the worst in the world. Naturally it was greeted by yawns in the Big Mango.
Not the greatest timing: TAT announcing a campaign promoting street food in Bangkok, apparently blissfully unaware that at same time police were launching a crackdown on street food vendors throughout the city.
Quote of the year: "Don't they sell tyres?" -- Sceptical Bangkok street food chef Jay Fai's reaction on being told her shophouse business had been awarded a prestigious Michelin star for outstanding food. The 72-year-old admitted she had never heard of the stars.
Pity the piggies: Thai citizens getting more than they bargained for when their cute little piglets they bought as charming pets transform into 150kg lumps of unappealing blubber. Alas, many end up on the dinner plate. Some might say anyone who buys a pig as a pet deserves everything coming to them.
Welcome to Thailand: Tourists at Don Mueang airport having to wait more than four hours to get through immigration. Later, officials announced the wait had been reduced to "only'' one hour.
Right idea, wrong place: Two young boys spotted peeing in showroom toilet bowls in a provincial store.
These things happen: Senior police officer explaining the alleged monthly stipend he received from a major beverage company was "all a misunderstanding ". Thank goodness for that.
The joy of commuting: Owing to chronic BTS overcrowding, commuters resorting to taking trains going in the opposite direction and getting off a few stops down the line, then crossing over to the other platform in a futile bid to find a seat or at least a more comfortable place to stand.
Best BTS experience: Meeting a teacher from Saraburi escorting her pre-teen pupils on their first-ever trip to the Big Mango. Taking her phone out she told the students to pose next to me on the train. She explained to them that when they got back home they could tell friends they had actually met a farang, albeit a funny-looking one, on the train in Bangkok.
Something wrong here surely: Bangkok's pedestrian crossings remaining the most dangerous place to cross the road. This may explain why the common Bangkok pedestrian (pedestrus expirus) is an endangered species.
Fighting fag-ends: A welcome ban on smoking cigarettes on beaches after complaints about unsightly cigarette butts. Pity about all the plastic bags though. A certain feeling I might have missed out: When the watch worn by a cabinet minister costs as much as my house.
Scariest haircut: Whatever that is on Donald Trump's head, I hope it doesn't escape.
Taxi tantrums: To the taxi driver on Sukhumvit who refused to go to On Nut saying he had never heard of it. My suggestion that he should buy a map to familiarise himself with the city did not go down too well. Whatever happened to the ruling that any taxi driver who refuses to take a passenger would be fined 1,000 baht?
Wrinkle alert: You know you are getting old when the Beatles' iconic album, Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, marks its 50th anniversary. Even worse, I know all the words.
Song of the year: The heart-rending C&W number How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?
Name of the Year: The animal behaviorist called Mr Grunt.
Pat On The Back: For Artiwara "Toon" Kongmalai of the band Bodyslam for running the length of the kingdom and raising more than a billion baht, not for submarines, but for Thai hospitals. Well done, sir.
Happy days are here again: The prime minister announcing "I will not be grumpy anymore."
And on that cheerful note, a Happy New Year to everyone and let's hope 2018 is not too amazing.
Contact Postscript via email at oldcrutch@gmail.com
