ANOTHER YEAR OVER AND A NEW ONE JUST BEGUN
The last year was one of false promises. England were meant to crash out earlier in the Ethics World Cup and ended up doing rather well. Arsène Wenger said in October he had received “enquiries from all of the world” for his services and “will start work again on 1 January”. Yet here we are, 2 January, and the Frenchman is still paying for his own petrol. Weird Uncle Fiver promised to lay off Purple Tin on Christmas morning. The state of them.
A million and one promises were broken, but 2019 is a new dawn. It feels like, should the world somehow not cave in on 29 March, anything could happen. Nineteen is a special number, after all: it was Lionel Messi’s old number, The Fiver’s favourite golf hole and Adele’s debut album. What a banger Chasing Pavements is. And so, with hope in our heart and a scratchcard in our pocket, here is a list of things The Fiver promises will absolutely, categorically happen in 2019:
January: Spurs’ title challenge collapses again just moments after Heung-min Son boards a plane bound for the Asia Cup. It’s the hope that kills you, Spurs fans. When will you learn?
February: Wales manager Ryan Giggs attends a match that has a Welsh person playing in it. Wayne Hennessey concedes five as Crystal Palace lose to – you guessed it, reader – Manchester United.
March: The rising cost of convincing electricians to leave their underground bunkers to fit trendy, vintage-style lightbulbs means Tottenham’s first official match at their new stadium is pushed back to 2052.
April: The Fiver is on time for an unprecedented two consecutive days. OK, one.
May: Manchester City win the Premier League. Obviously.
June: The Big Cup final between Manchester United and Bayern Munich is relocated to Buenos Aires on security grounds. Football editors scramble to find anybody connected with the 1999 final for #context and #narrative. Jonathan Greening finds vast media work. Bayern win 2-1 in injury-time and both Samuel Kuffour and Oliver Kahn send Ole Gunnar Solskjær smug texts. Kahn spells schadenfreude incorrectly.
July: England romp to a 4-1 victory over Germany in the Women’s World Cup final. Phil Neville is knighted and given Kieran Trippier’s parking space at the Bury Lidl.
August: Having received compensation for the outgoing Rafa Benítez, Mike Ashley promises Newcastle United manager José Mourinho “a war chest” to buy two much-needed centre-backs for the upcoming Championship season. Said funds never arrive, but Ricardo Carvalho does. Alan Pardew is into the final year of his eight-year contract.
September: Christian Pulisic struggles for form with Chelsea after failing to settle in London, despite a great day out at Madame Tussauds.
October: Geoff Shreeves asks a pertinent question.
November: Manchester City sign Raheem Sterling’s two-year-old son on a pre-contract agreement.
December: Juve’s Aaron Ramsey is second in the Ballon d’Or. Arsenal end the year in the Big Vase places. Everything is right with the world.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We have decided to accept an extremely lucrative bid by Chelsea, given the low contract maturity” – Borussia Dortmund suit Michael Zorc after the Bundesliga leaders trousered £58m for Christian Pulisic, who will move in the summer.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires fears it’s almost time for another routinely dystopian Home Office information video. He also did this over the festive break.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest Football Weekly podcast.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Many thanks for another year of The Fiver. I’d never admit it to anyone but it is one of the few emails I receive during the day which I actually look forward to” – [Redacted].
“I thought I’d take this time in your Tin and Turkey festive break to congratulate The Fiver family on a year of missives that were both informative and of a consistently high level of humour. As you may be able to tell, I have started celebrating early” – Peter Worley.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Cardiff City are investigating a complaint made against their Under-18s coach Craig Bellamy.
Vegetable sales in south Yorkshire could be due a spike: former Sheffield United boss Steve Bruce is the new manager of Sheffield Wednesday.
Jürgen Klopp reckons Manchester City remain the best team in the world despite their recent slump. And, presumably, for never winning a competition that would render them best team in the world. “It’s 100% my opinion because of the way they play, the things they achieved, the ability and all that stuff,” he roared.
Kevin De Bruyne is back in contention for Manchester City’s Premier League showdown with Liverpool on Thursday.
Juventus are fluttering their eyes in the direction of Arsenal’s Aaron Ramsey. “He’s a great player, we really like him,” purred Juve suit Fabio Paratici.
Things are getting a tad sticky for Marco Silva at Everton after defeat at home to Leicester left them with the same amount of points as under Sam Allardyce at this stage last year. “I am not here to compare these type of things,” he sighed. “I am concerned with the result we didn’t achieve.”
Charlie Adam is looking for a move and says he’d happily pitch up at the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers again. “It is something I’d relish and enjoy. I want to play,” he enthused.
And Plymouth boss Derek Adams reckons Oxford United’s televised trip to a hotel pool on New Year’s Eve was crucial in a subsequent 3-0 defeat. “We knew that Oxford had gone swimming and we thought they would be a bit jaded,” he tooted. “We thought ‘listen, let’s try to run the legs off them’, and we did that.”
STILL WANT MORE?
The shiny Big Website transfer window interactive is up and running. Check it out.
Which clubs can fit their location’s entire population in their stadium? The Knowledge has the answer.
“The pressure is permanent”: one Mr 15% reflects on the January’s transfer window.
Here’s the latest part of Jim Powell’s and Tom Jenkins’s then and now grounds quiz.
And in case you also missed it, here is Big Paper/Website’s 2018 footballer of the year.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
