I know you think there should be more sex in this relationship, and I know you think it’s my fault. But you must realise that nobody is obliged to have sex if they don’t want to, even if they are in a long-term relationship. I never signed up to anything or made any promises to you. I can exercise my own free will about what I do with my body, just as I can about what I eat and how I spend my spare time.
Instead of focusing on me, therefore, I think a positive move for you would be to consider your own level of sexual appeal and how it can be enhanced. Although men tend not to obsess about their physical appearance in the way women are encouraged to, maybe you should have a think about it. Nobody wants to get into body-shaming but there are some quite basic things you could do, such as getting a haircut that doesn’t look as if it was done with a knife and fork, and buying jeans that fit so as to minimise the appearance of the builder’s arse whenever you bend down. Most of your pants are pretty revolting, too: new pants are not expensive.
There is also your behaviour. Never offering someone any help, support, kind deeds, compliments or affection is all very well, but I really think it is only polite that that should be extended to never offering them sexual opportunities either, by which I mean slyly pawing or pressing against them in bed. If you want the sex, then start by doing the other stuff.
Finally, I think you should consider the potential aphrodisiac properties of being less messy and performing simple everyday household tasks, so I don’t have to. Put the dishwasher on. Clean the worktops. Refrain from flicking teabags into the bin so I don’t have to repaint the kitchen wall every six months. As someone once said, it’s hard to shout at a man when he’s vacuuming. And on the flip side, it’s hard to find a man attractive when you have washed his undies and scrubbed the loo and carried out all those other acts of drudgery. There is a possibility that doing all this will render you tired and resentful enough to put you off sex, too; let me say that I am willing to take that risk.
It is quite possible that you will do all of these things and I will still give you the cold shoulder. But at least then you can say you have tried, and if it does happen then I will happily take the blame and wear the mantle of “frigid bitch” with pride.
• We will pay £25 for every letter we publish. Email family@theguardian.com, including your address and phone number. We are able to reply only to those whose contributions we are going to use.
