I still feel guilty that your mum and I separated and that she and I still don’t talk to each other. I know how painful the separation was for you, and I am grateful that you are still in my life. But now I feel I am going to cause you even further heartache and confusion when I tell you that I am transgender and hope to begin living full-time as a woman very soon.
Indeed, I already live most of my life as a woman – I have even transitioned within my workplace – and I go about my daily business as a woman. The only times I have to pretend I am a man are the days and weekends when you come to visit. So, for one day a week, and every second weekend, I hide away my clothes and my makeup and anything that might lead you to suspect, and pretend to be someone I am not.
Yes, I have grown my hair long and I have had my ears pierced – which you found amusing, if not remarkable. After all, there are plenty of men with long hair and pierced ears.
So, why haven’t I told you yet? The truth is that I am scared. I am scared of how you might react. I am scared of how your mum will react and what she might say about me. But, most of all, I am scared that you might not want to see me any more and that might just break my heart. It has not been easy to get where I am. Believe me, I tried every which way I could think of to avoid it, but there came a point where I could no longer deny who I was.
I started seeing a counsellor and then I started the process of coming out to the people in my daily life: my friends, my colleagues, my GP, my employer. And yet you, the most important people in my life, don’t know. I hope you don’t think it is because I consider you the least important – quite the opposite. It is because I have left the most difficult task until last.
With any luck, I will soon be put on hormone blockers and, after a few months of that, I will begin hormone treatment. My physical appearance will begin to change to match the image that my brain has of me.
I have never been comfortable in my body – is anyone? But, with me, it is a constant buzz at the back of my brain from the minute I get up in the morning to the minute I go to sleep at night. I avoid mirrors as much as possible and I loathe my traitorous body that produces so much testosterone.
I know that this will be hard for you to understand, but I am hoping that, some day, when you are old enough, you will be able to read this and maybe it will go a little way towards helping you to understand. I never meant for any of this to happen, but I hope you understand that I need to be me. I can’t go on living a lie and being deeply unhappy.
You are all different ages, so that makes it much more difficult to know what to tell each of you and when. All I know is that you must be told – and soon.
No matter what happens, no matter how I look, no matter what clothes I wear, I am – and will always be – your dad.
Anonymous
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