After three years as a widower, it was lovely to hear you say that you might remarry. You certainly deserve some quality of life after nursing Mum for so long. Now you just need to meet the one. Or anyone, as all your mates are dead and you’re on your own for so much of the time. Can I be cheeky and give you some dating tips?
First, please be careful. You freely admit you talk to anyone who sits beside you on the bus because, as you put it, “otherwise I don’t talk to anyone at all”. You’re right to trust most people. Unfortunately, you engage too eagerly in conversation with cold callers who need to earn their crust by selling.
You didn’t need or understand the funeral plan you bought, or grasp what you were getting for the eight grand you cheerfully spent on solar panels.
Second, face your fears about getting out there. You did well to sign up for the music theory class. But each time I’ve rung you to ask how the lesson went, you say you didn’t go because you were feeling unwell. Yet you must be one of the fittest 85-year-olds around. You also constantly shy away from attending your local park’s weekly health walk. What’s the worst that can happen?
Third, be realistic. Another music class excuse you use is that most of the students there are “a bit too old”. In their 50s and 60s, you mean. We all feel 21, but I’m afraid you need to be wary if a woman of 21 (or 31 or 41) appears to fall in love with you.
Next, remember what Alice Thomas Ellis wrote: “Men love women. Women love children. Children love hamsters.” And what the philosopher Alain said about happiness: the moment a man looks for it, he is condemned not to find it. You should keep an eye out for soul mates, but as most human beings have little in common, you’ll need to be patient. And see “second” above.
Fifth, I understand why you’ve decided that trying to keep abreast of technology doesn’t seem worth the effort. But please try to reconnect with the internet and learn to send text messages too. That’s because you’ll be lonelier still if you can’t keep in touch with people you meet. And if you do find a girlfriend, how will you send her flirty texts?
My next tip is a bit delicate. Rethink what being a good listener means. When I accompanied you to your first health walk, you appreciated it when fellow walkers joined us for coffee afterwards. But every time someone mentioned an experience you were familiar with, you unwittingly hijacked the conversation to talk about yourself.
A little less reciprocal disclosure goes a long way. An expert on social conversation suggests trying GHI when faced with new people: geography, history, interests. Where someone is from, how they ended up here, what they like doing and why. Please give it a go.
Finally, you need to let me help you declutter, then pay someone to regularly clean a few key rooms in your house: hall, lounge, kitchen, loo. (And if you’re lucky, the bathroom and bedroom too!) You have lived so modestly that you can easily afford it. It’s also time to start wearing some of your best clothes again so that you look and feel more attractive.
Dad, you are a kind, caring and generous man who could make someone an excellent, loving companion. Be bold. Be brave. Be ready to give it a go. Meanwhile, I’ll start writing your best man’s speech.
Love, Tony
