FUN AND GAMES IN SOUTH AMERICA DEPT
What is this weekend’s must-watch game? Arsenal v Manchester United? Pfffft. According to our St Pauli-supporting, Eintracht Braunschweig away kit-wearing, upside-down pyramid-holding, football hipster cousin False Nine Retrievals Fiver, the only show in town is Saturday’s Copa Libertadores final. Reader, he simply will not stop talking about it. That and Tommy ruddy T. Of course, much like the ethics of stock market manipulation across various social media disgraces, South American football is a subject The Fiver knew all about waaaay before this week.
Delayed by the pandemic, the 2020 Libertadores final pits Brazilian rivals [*checks notes*] Palmeiras and Santos against each other at iconic Rio venue [*checks notes*] the Maracanã. The two clubs from São Paulo state overcame Boca Juniors and River Plate in the semi-finals, denying/sparing us another white-hot Buenos Aires derby final. Palmeiras rode their luck in their battle with River, winning the first leg 3-0 but losing the second 2-0, with VAR coming to their rescue. They held on to set up a final against Santos, in what’s known as [*Ctrl C, Ctrl V*] the Clássico da Saudade, or Nostalgia Derby, a concept The Fiver can get behind.
The Maracanã will be empty, but São Paulo is still gripped with Libertadores intrigue. Neymar, a boyhood Palmeiras fan who became a superstar at Santos, has given his verdict. “When I went to Santos at age 12, I fell in love with Santos and became a big fan of Robinho,” he whooped, making The Fiver feel very old indeed. The Palmeiras manager, Abel Ferreira, is looking to follow Portuguese compatriot Jorge Jesus’s 2019 success with Flamengo. “I feel we have all the conditions to win,” he trilled. “That is why I crossed the Atlantic to be here.” His counterpart, Cuca, led Santos to the final despite spending several weeks in hospital with Covid-19. “We are psychologically ready,” he roared. “We will do all we can and some more to win this.”
Time to point out that this game is available free-to-air (to UK viewers) via the BBC’s red button, part of a Saturday joga bonito double bill, kicking off with West Brom v Fulham. Both sides (Santos and Palmeiras, that is) have plenty of young talent, which The Fiver will use to spice up our Football Manager save, in the absence of any friends to try and impress. Santos’ danger men will be teenage forward Kaio Jorge and Venezuelan playmaker Yeferson Soteldo, while for Palmeiras, the young guns to watch are forward Gabriel Veron, winger Gabriel Menino and midfielder Patrick, nicknamed “Little Pelé”. Perhaps “Little Robbie Keane” would be a better choice, because as a kid, Patrick played football in a Queen’s Celtic kit. As part of a community project, youth teams in his Mario Lombardi neighbourhood turn out in discontinued Queen’s Celtic kits – including one batch with Bobo Baldé’s name and number on every shirt. No wonder our hipster cousin is so excited.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I can bring you in a pile of letters I signed only yesterday. People wishing me good luck, telling me to keep bashing away” – despite admitting he’s not “bulletproof”, Steve Bruce claims loads of grateful Toon fans want him to keep up the good work. Best check they weren’t from SR postcodes …
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: yesterday’s lack of Fiver letters. Were there no quick and semi-witty football related emails dropping into your inbox? Now you know how we feel” – Steve Wilson.
“Did you consult your list of topics which are bound to fire the readership into action? I’d be willing to bet a strong 10p that a minimum of 1,057 mails drop into your empty inbox with the references to Manic Miner and old-school gaming platforms. Which begs the question: what other topics are in your emergency CPR topics to bring the readers back on form? Just about any sci-fi film series? Dr Who, or any other sci-fi TV series for that matter? Quentin Tarantino films? The works of Radiohead? 1980s Tin? And is Noble Francis a real person?” – Simon Toms.
“On behalf of the literally tens of former Dragon 32 owners who are also Fiver readers, I now wait with bated breath for you to shoehorn some of our very well-known games into one of your forthcoming missives. Could Tommy T prove the Touchstone upon which Chelsea’s revival is built? Will Martin Ødegaard be the Cuthbert in Arsenal’s midfield jungle?” – David Madden (and no other former Dragon 32 owners).
“Against Liverpool, José Mourinho sent out a familiar line-up, full of centre-backs, full-backs, wing-backs, holding midfielders and one of the world’s best No 9s deployed as a regista. It got me thinking the Advertising Standards Authority might want a word with Spurs about their ‘To dare is to do’ sign. I’m sure there are 1,056 suggestions out there as to how they might update it. Mine is ‘To dare is to do ‘em on the break’” – Adam Uncamus [any improvements for other clubs? – Fiver Ed].
“You missed this last weekend. Talk about Blackeye Rovers” – Jeremy Humphries.
“When do you think you’ll be offering prizes again? Asking for a friend” – Andy Beller [cough – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@ .com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day prize is … Adam Uncamus.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
West Brom have contacted police after Romaine Sawyers was racially abused online during the club’s 5-0 defeat by Manchester City.
A tip of the hat to Nuno Espírito Santo, who has donated £250,000 to help tackle poverty in Wolverhampton during the Covid-19 crisis.
Spurs have signed South Korea captain Cho So-hyun on loan from West Ham on WSL deadline day. Over at the men’s Hammers, J-Lingz is bringing his threads business to London on loan from Manchester United.
Queen’s Celtic chief suit Peter Lawwell has bought himself a ticket to retirement this summer, after a 17-year stint that has been somewhat bumpier of late.
Tommy T admits he may need to work on his stubborn side to avoid an early exit through the Chelsea trapdoor. “I am absolutely self-aware that this is a thing to improve and to be also more relaxed,” he om-ed, while doing the downward dog. “Maybe nobody expects me to be here long … I cannot lose my focus right now.”
And here’s Steve Bruce again, staying tight-lipped about a possible loan deal for Leicester’s Hamza Choudhury. “I’m never going to speak about anybody else’s player, I think that would be wrong,” he honked. “But it’s somebody we do like, yes.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Tim Krul gets chatty with Ben Fisher about his lost water bottle and his belief that Total Football is alive and well with the Netherlands and Norwich.
Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
Free Tanguy Ndombele, howls Jonathan Liew, while uh-oh, uh-ohs David Hytner.
How Stella Liverpool got her their groove back. By Jonathan Wilson.
D-day looms for Newcastle with Steve Bruce ratty and rattled, writes Louise Taylor.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
