There are some things that only ever happen at Christmas, like Turkish delight, charades and pretending to like each other, which is a sort of real-time no-fun game of charades that goes on for days.
Perhaps the most famous Thing That Only Happens At Christmas is The Queen’s Speech. The Queen’s Speech is very much the Bond film of the Christmas TV schedules.
It’s traditional for old people to talk to the TV, especially if they’re trying to remember which sitcom the actor in the funeral plan advert used to be in, or losing their shit with the news. But this is more than that, because the Queen’s Speech has been going on for decades and decades, ever since Her Majesty was barely out of her Princessing uniform.
It’s probably the longest-running TV series of all time. Longer even than Coronation Street or The Weather. That’s why it can be hard to work out where you are in the plot when you first watch it. It’s probably one of those things that takes years to appreciate properly, like athletics and tomatoes.
If you haven’t seen it before, it’s a bit like Gogglebox, but even posher than the bits with Stef and Dom in. The Queen, who you’ll recognise from her starring role in money, talks about what’s been going on in the world and how we have to put up with it all. It’s a sort of human Keep Calm and Carry On poster that looks like it’s done up for a wedding.
So, for instance, this year, she’ll probably talk about the Greggs vegan sausage roll and how Ant’s back on I’m a Celebrity, and probably try not to mention the one-hour TV special her son did about a dead paedophile he liked. I mean, it’s a shame it got such a bad reaction, because it must have looked a good idea at the time. But I expect they said the same thing about Guinness Red and the Squarial, and nobody remembers them now.
As told to Jason Hazeley
Cunk & Other Humans on 2019 starts Monday 16 December, 10.30pm, BBC Two; The Queen’s Christmas Broadcast airs Christmas Day, 3pm, BBC One and ITV
