PALACE PALS
Today marks the 40th anniversary – give or take 11 months and 22 days – of the genesis of the great rivalry between Brighton and Hove Albion and Crystal Palace. It seems to have really, er, crystallised at the end of an FA Cup marathon between the two clubs in December 1976, won by Palace in controversial circumstances at neutral Stamford Bridge. Brighton thought they’d equalised through a Brian Horton penalty, you see, only for the referee to order a retake for encroachment. You know how these things go, and of course the second attempt was missed. At the final whistle, their boss Alan Mullery attempted to engage the whistler in Socratic dialogue, and was showered with coffee by a nearby Palace fan for his trouble. To be fair, the stuff they used to serve up at Chelsea was rank, the nearest place to get a good cup in those days was just outside Paris. But still.
Mullery was never one to back down from a good row. He had famously began the decade in gloriously belligerent form, live on ITV, responding to criticism from Malcom Allison, who had the one-paced England midfielder pegged as the Jordan Henderson of his day. “No acceleration, I don’t think you’re good in the air.” A stratospherically affronted Mullery responded, at a pitch barely audible to dogs, “Is this a problem, then, no acceleration?” before insisting he was as quick as Alan Ball. All of which kind of did for his argument, but hats off to him for not budging an inch. Anyway, he wasn’t going to take being soaked in java lying down, so threw a pocketful of loose change at the errant fans – “This is all you’re worth!” – flicked a few Vs, then denounced Palace as “rubbish” in the press. Bingo! There’s your rivalry! It’s just a shame it was Terry Venables in the opposing dugout, and not Allison, who had resigned the Palace job only a few months earlier. Imagine the chain of events that would have set off.
The rivalry has bubbled and festered ever since, most notably when Palace turned up for a 2013 Championship play-off semi-final at the Amex only to find the floor of a toilet cubicle in their dressing room peppered with jobby. Palace won that day and went on to promotion, but now Brighton have finally followed them up, and so here we are. Tuesday night’s showdown at a hopefully spotless Amex is the first top-flight fixture between the two clubs for exactly 40 years – give or take 40 months and 21 days – and Palace will be hoping to avenge a dismal record which has seen Brighton win three and draw one of the four matches played at elite level to date. Obviously we don’t want to see any jaw-droppingly controversial decisions, never mind witness another hot-faced manager standing in the middle of a comical coin-and-coffee maelstrom. Won’t somebody think of the kids. However, if something like that has to happen again, so be it, the Fiver won’t be complaining too loudly.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Half our fans have gone home, so I’d like to say to them: you should have stayed. Our boys need you. Why didn’t you stay?” – Ian Holloway gets fresh and funky with realistic QPR fans who don’t believe in miracles and therefore left before 93 minutes, when QPR were 2-0 down, only to miss two goals, in the 93rd and 94th minute, to level the game with Brentford.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Gennaro Gattuso may indeed have been a rhino [Monday’s Fiver], but one magical night in 2002 he was tamed by a dragon. Brought on as a substitute against Wales, he was later, humiliatingly, substituted off as Wales won 2-1. The look of confusion on his face as he double checked his shirt number was priceless. There’s ‘No I in team’, and all that, but it’s been entertaining to hear Robbie Savage take pretty much full credit for the chain of events. He once said, brilliantly, ‘Gattuso got subbed on, then off again. I was THAT good that night.’ Love him or (more likely) hate him, that’s a great soundbite. The irresistible wind-up merchant met the immovable object, and prevailed” – Matt Dony.
“The first article in Monday’s Fiver described a scary Italian player who regularly stabbed team-mates with a fork if they made fun of him. Further down, The Fiver quoted Eden Hazard giving full-on disrespect to the playing skills of a similarly scary English team-mate. Hmmmm. Perhaps Chelsea’s catering staff should consider serving soup, paninis, or wraps for the next few days – anything without pointed cutlery” – Mike Wilner.
“An alternative soubriquet for West Ham’s cavernous home, if the D1ldoDome/D1ldome doesn’t work for you … The Jazzteca?” – Derek McGee.
“If Dominic Fifield ever needs a succinct, catchy, and trip off the tongue descriptor for the Brighton 3 -0 Crystal Palace grudge match, please allow me to suggest the El M23-ico” – Tony Crawford.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Matt Dony, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more to give away, so keep typing.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Arsène Wenger has told any clubs hoping to snaffle Mesut Özil and Alexis Sánchez in the January sales they can jog on. “They stay until the end of the season. That’s the decision I took at the start of the season,” he tootled.
Everton are considering giving Big Sam a pint of wine, a shovel and the opportunity to tell them how good he is at digging clubs out of the brown stuff, after finally realising they’re waist-deep in it.
Meanwhile, David Moyes has told David Unsworth he should be a masochist like him and take another managerial job, perhaps lower down the league pyramid, despite his Everton caretaker experience turning him into a shell-shocked, grimacing shell of a man. “Why don’t you go and do that and then get yourself prepared for the big job?” parped Moyes, before scratching his brass neck.
Stoke boss Ailsa from Home and Away is delighted that Peter Crouch, 78, has scrawled his name all over a one-year contract extension. “He may be [78] but he continues to have a major impact on games,” cheered Ailsa.
Eddie Howe may turn up for Bournemouth v Burnley on a Harley having quite possibly just embarked upon a mid-life crisis. “It is my birthday, but I have not been able to give it a minute’s thought. It is a big one, turning 40,” revved the Cherries boss, while looking at a catalogue of tribal tattoos.
Three weeks after doing one from Chelsea to spend more time with his family, Michael Emenalo has been appointed Monaco sporting director. “The choice was natural after my decision to leave Chelsea,” soothed Emenalo. “I will work here with humility and try my best.”
And Roberto Carlos says the bendy free-kick in Le Tournoi that forever defined him was actually a mad fluke. “The ball was going completely wide but the wind brought it back to the goal. It was a miracle,” he honked.
STILL WANT MORE?
Have-gold-envelopes-will-travel: Sid Lowe with the tale of how English goalkeeper Conor O’Keefe wrote to clubs in Spain looking for a role between the sticks and now finds himself heading to the Bernabéu with his new club Fuenlabrada.
Derby’s women’s team have teamed up with the city’s university to encourage more women into the game, as players and/or football journalists. Suzanne Wrack explains.
The Southern Rail derby between Brighton and Palace isn’t a derby as such, yet it’s one of the game’s tastiest rivalries. Dominic Fifield has the background.
José Mourinho is lurching to the left, according to the inscrutably reliable Rumour Mill, as he looks to hoover up left-peg specialists ranging from Gareth Bale to Danny Rose.
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