PLAY THAT TOON AGAIN
As Antonio Conte tries to rouse his players for Tuesday’s visit to Stamford Bridge by Southampton, he cannot quite shake off a feeling of hollowness. Several of his players have shown signs of suffering from a similar feeling in recent weeks, most obviously during their last league match, that tame defeat at Old Trafford. It is as if, just as the prospect of being crowned champions came within reach, Chelsea were overcome by a sense that, meh, it’s no big deal. Conte has been willing to make a fool of himself in an effort to chase away that feeling of emptiness, going so far as to suggest this week that a title victory for modest Chelsea would be some class of miracle. But he’s fooling no one. Not himself, not his players, not even The Fiver. Everyone knows that winning the top-flight is a doddle when Newcastle United aren’t in it. Sunderland have done it four times, for goodness sake.
So for Conte to get all excited about winning the league without even facing Newcastle would be as ludicrous as fans of the Queen’s Celtic bragging about clinching their 637th title in a row while the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers are still a shambles. You don’t hear Brendan Rodgers intimating he’s some kind of genius for doing that, do you? OK, bad example.
Next season, then, is when England’s top flight will become a true test again. Because Newcastle are on the way back. Rafa Benítez’s team secured the runners-up spot – at least! - in the Championship thanks to Monday’s scruffy 4-1 demolition of Preston North End, a club who know all about taking advantage of Newcastle’s absence, having nabbed a pair of top-flight titles just before the creation of the north-east giants in 1892. After that, of course, Newcastle went on to earn the mantle of English champions four times before the Great Depression of 1929, since when their trophy cabinet has taken on a slightly dilapidated look but, make no mistake, the club have remained one of the biggest in the country. Especially with an enormous stadium, an enormous fanbase and an enormous chairman.
On top of a history of being serial title challengers in all but reality, Mike Ashley’s Newcastle will arrive in the top flight with a reputation as entertainers and we can count on that continuing, even if Benítez is no Alan Shearer, John Carver or Joe Kinnear. Sunderland and Middlesbrough may be about to plummet from the top flight but, no matter, the north-east’s newest representatives are capable of winning more matches than that dreary duo have managed between them this season. Or even less than either one. You never know exactly what to expect from Newcastle, but, for many teams, beating them always seems to provide particular satisfaction.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Paul Doyle from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Chelsea 2-1 Southampton.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We are disappointed that our atmosphere has been curtailed by Barnet FC and we are aiming to hire a Mariachi band for Saturday” – the saga continues. Miffed Grimsby fans react to news that they won’t be allowed to take inflatables to Barnet by launching a crowdfunding campaign to raise enough cash to take a flavour of Mexican music on their awayday instead, as you do.
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FIVER LETTERS
“It seems we are all defined by our actions in times of extremis; if I was of a religious bent I might ask: what would Jesus do? Or, if I was all about the, er, bantz, I might just ponder: what would Scooby-Doo? However, If I wanted to be silly, ignorant and bite the hand that feeds, show monumental disrespect, and manage to offend tens of thousands, I’d simply ask: what would Mamadou?” – Tony Crawford.
“Looking at the main picture in yesterday’s Fiver, one can clearly see that the stewards are not up to their job. Nothing new if you ask me. Only one of the seven yellow vests seem to follow instructions” – Max.
“A portion of the crowd outside the Air Canada Centre in Toronto watching the hometown Maple Leafs once again bow out of the NHL playoffs very early. Thought you should know” – Frank Young.
“All this chatter about where the North begins (Fiver letters passim) reminded me of the somewhat obscure 1970s prog rock band Hatfield and the North. The road sign from which they nicked their name obviously indicates Hatfield is where it starts. Or not, as they came from Canterbury. Makes as much sense as the rest of it” – Stephen Hodgson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.
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BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool lab skeleton Daniel Sturridge may have played his last game for the club after suffering a recurrence of hip-gah!
In news that will surprise absolutely no one, Manchester United have been the keenest to shower Atlético Madrid with £85m for Antoine Griezmann. “United were the first to come and see us and the most concrete in their wishes,” trilled the forward’s Mr 15%.
Antonio Conte says winning the Premier League would be his “greatest achievement” and not, as The Fiver assumed it was, cultivating a suave 70s-style luxury rug to sit on top of his head. He also found time to lodge a subtle dig in the ribs of his rivals. “This season it’s very important to understand it’s not always about who spends more money who wins,” he honked.
Sorry, Arsenal fans, Olivier Giroud isn’t going anywhere. “I have had no approach from Marseille, and we want to keep Olivier at the club,” mumbled Arsène Wenger.
Gareth Bale will be on the sidelines for a month after suffering calf-ooyah! in the clásico.
And former Real Madrid suit Ivan Bravo has been appointed as a director at Nasty Leeds by co-owner Andrea Radrizzani. “[Nasty] Leeds is a club steeped in prestige with an extremely proud fanbase and I am thrilled to join the board,” he whooped.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on a terrifying hoolie firm, FA Cup semi-final mega-hair and Tactics Tim.
Nick Ames on Kingstonian and the collateral damage of a modern football parable.
Give Pep time, writes Jacob Steinberg, it’s not his fault that systems can be ripped asunder by moments of individual brilliance.
If you’re wondering whether Newcastle will be sold like a gaudy bit of polyester in one of Mike Ashley’s shops then this piece on the club’s future by Louise Taylor will be right up your street.
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