FRIENDLIEZZZZZZZ
Day 427 of the international break and there still hasn’t been any football, unless there has been some and The Fiver hasn’t been paying attention. Still, there has been some steaming hot chat from Mr Roy ahead of England’s limp 2-0 defeat against Spain on Friday, with the manager sensationally revealing that Wayne Rooney will NOT start. Now this sounds like a story, Mr Roy shedding his conservative tendencies and dropping the England captain, who has done some excellent wheezing and chugging this season, not to mention the way he’s been keeping linesmen on their toes by spraying 60-yard crossfield passes out of play.
“Wayne’s with me today because he’s the captain of our team, he’s the most important figure as a result, but he actually won’t start the game tomorrow,” Mr Roy told the dozing members of the assembled press, all of whom instantly perked up upon hearing the stunning revelation that England’s top goalscorer is yesterday’s man, thrown on to the scrapheap, left to rot and and fume and watch Harry Kane and Ross Barkley hog the limelight. It was a real football controversy!
But there was more. “I’m telling you that because Wayne and I are very anxious that we’re not trying to fool anybody or bamboozle anybody when he’s sat alongside me,” Mr Roy continued. Oh. “That’s for the very simple reason that we’re looking at various combinations. Wayne is pencilled in against France on Tuesday,” he concluded. Ah. Hmm. He was stringing us along, raising expectations, then lowering expectations, keeping expectations at a steady average in true England style. Although he did say that Rooney was only pencilled in against France, which must have been like telling him that Ed Sheeran is being made illegal! This was dynamite stuff. Pencilled in! The fuse had been lit and Rooney was about to explode, like an egg in a microwave.
Yet he remained calm, a happy egg, an understanding egg, a mature egg, a perfectly boiled egg. “It’s important especially in these games that the manager has a chance to see as many players as he can before the tournament in the summer,” Rooney drawled, as everyone in the room slowly began to lose interest and started to wonder if any more free food was going to be brought out. The one remaining hope was that Rooney’s exclusion meant that there was going to be a start for Leicester City’s Jamie Vardy, formerly of non-league and now rubbing shoulders with the 2010 world champions. “Jamie Vardy is struggling with a knock he picked up on Saturday,” Mr Roy said, smiling as he watched the last hack nod off.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I would normally speak to him, but I don’t have a good feeling about this” – Belgium Under-21 coach Enzo Scifo comes over all Bollo about Adnan Januzaj’s refusal to play for his side.
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BITS AND BOBS
Former Sunderland goalkeeper Marton Fulop has died, aged 32.
Global sports market. Modern identity. New. Distinct. Unique heritage. Rebrand. EFL.
Manchester United’s Antonio Valencia could be out for five months with foot-twang.
Fifa have excluded Musa Bility from the presidential race after he failed integrity checks. No, really.
No Money, no problem for Cambridge, who have appointed Shaun Derry as their new manager.
Crystal Palace have agreed to sell a chunk of the club to Philadelphia 76ers owner Josh Harris.
Sepp Blatter has been released from hospital after his small emotional breakdown.
Manchester United have announced a rise in first quarter income figurezzzzzzzz …
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It’s Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaa …
STILL WANT MORE?
You give me one good reason to leave me, I’ll give you 10 good reasons to stay. Or, failing that, 10 things to look out for in the upcoming internationals.
A World Cup without Brazil? It might be time to start thinking the unthinkable, writes floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Scott Murray takes a wander down the hallowed historical corridors of European Championship qualification drama.
This week’s Classic YouTube, featuring the goals of the year and a goalmouth scramble or two.
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