There are thank-you cards to be written and those last few Celebrations are begging to be mineswept. (Milky Way, right? Always Milky Way.) But they are going to have to hold, because there is one job that cannot wait, and that is refreshing your Instagram. These are the crucial updates your feed needs for 2017.
1. The flat lay
You don’t know what a flat lay is? Seriously? OK, consider this. Those bird’s eye photos that get a lot of likes – a coffee cup with a foam heart, iPhone at a 45-degree angle, Ray Bans perched on top of a passport, scattered clementine segments adding a pop of colour – is that really how your kitchen table looks five minutes before you leave for the airport? No, it jolly well isn’t, any more than a pile of Pink Lady apples in your fruit bowl looks like a bloody Cezanne. The flat lay is the modern still life, and mastering it is essential for anyone with lifestyle aspirations. Never, ever mention in the caption that it took you 15 minutes to get rid of the annoying shadow and that you now have backache from craning over the coffee table.
2. The arm’s length selfie
Mirror selfies are for sexting, these days, not for OOTD. So if you are in the fashion gang and the goal is to capture your Look rather than what lies beneath, the arm’s length selfie is way cooler. Find somewhere photogenic to perch, then sit with one foot drawn towards your crotch (this is not comfortable but “reads” as relaxed, which is what matters) and hold the phone as far from you as you can, angled downward so that your body is in the photo but not your head. Advantages: the arm-away-from-the-body is always flattering, plus you don’t need to worry about the facial expression you pull when you are trying to keep your little finger out of the shot without giving yourself cramp.
3. The puppy nose ends here
There is a whole separate essay to be done on Snapchat filters: the big Manga eyes, the baby animal features, the golden crowns that seem like innocent, child-like visual banter. But have you noticed how suspiciously flattering they are? How they make everyone look a little bit like a Disney bluebird? Hmmm. They are basically hot dog legs with added lols. These are a vanity project that has been well and truly rumbled. Cease and desist.
4. Be mysterious
What did the Kardashians and Gigi Hadid all do on Instagram toward the end of 2016? Get off Instagram, that’s what. In the era of oversharing, the most compelling thing you can do is to withdraw. Just as the very best parties have a social media blackout, so the most intriguing people don’t feel compelled to post their avocado every single freaking Sunday. Take a strategic break. For maximum drama, channel your inner Greta Garbo and loudly announce your departure from social media before deleting your account. So modern.
