NAME THAT JOON
There were many things to love about the mid-90s music scene. Deep Blue Something; Kiss being reunited with Ace Frehley and Peter Criss for the first time since 1982; not to mention the launch of the Galway Early Music Festival. But there were also many things not to love about the mid-90s music scene. Blur; Oasis; Blur v Oasis; and, it goes without saying, that Alanis Morissette song.
There was a point in that period of The Fiver’s life that if it had walked into Golden Discs on Bray main street and heard that song one more time, it was going to take a large hammer to the small speakers. Of course, the worst part was not the moderate tempo, B major tune but that none of the things she was actually yapping on about were ironic at all. Just plain, ol’ bad luck. Now, if Alanis were to ever look to update that song, maybe do a more contemporary remix drawing her inspiration from the Chicago drill scene with a guest verse from Chief Keef or Lil Bibby and she needed some material to mine, then the dark lords of football might be a good place for her to start. The latest newsflash coming from whatever mountainside, brandy-soaked lair Fifa is hiding in these days is that its Ethics Committee – you got that one, Alanis? – is doing its upmost to slap a 15-year ban on Chung Mong-joon. Yes, the same Chung Mong-joon who has thrown his name into the hat to replace Sepp Blatter and give football a good spring-cleaning.
“I will mobilise all my experience and resources for the rebirth, the renaissance, of Fifa,” is what he said then and here is what he is saying now: “The fundamental reason why I am being targeted is that I aimed straight at the existing power structure of Fifa,” he raged, before adding that the powers-that-be did not like his thumbs up to South Korea’s 2022 World Cup bid as well as his proposal for a Global Football Fund so that all the poor kiddies out there could have a decent pitch on which to kick a ball. Won’t someone please think of the poor kiddies?
Right now though, The Fiver has no time to think about them as it’s just thinking about food and nor does Chung. He is only thinking about himself and thinking that he is going to get off these charges. “Ultimately, I will prevail and will be vindicated,” he said, putting his dukes up and getting his gloves strapped on by his trainer and brother, Chung Mong-koo. Yes that is the same Chung Mong-koo who was convicted in 2007 for embezzling £53m into a bribery slush fund. Is that irony or just plain, ol’ bad luck?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He didn’t have the baby, did he? Unless he’s bre@stfeeding he should be fine” – when asked if Robbie Keane would be available to face Germany with the Republic O’Ireland on Thursday – three days after wife Claudine gave birth – Roy Keane proffers the most Roy Keane answer imaginable.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: yesterday’s Bits and Bobs. Disappointed not to see verbification of Dane Bowers in reportage after Chelsea ladies coach Emma Hayes said they’ve gone to ‘another level’” – Hans Topo.
“From yesterday’s Fiver: ‘The Fiver can sympathise with [Brendan] Rodgers. Like him we once threatened to be quite good, despite being told otherwise, and almost did a good Fiver once.’ Please can you give us a bit more of a clue. I have been reading The Fiver for a long time and I can’t ever remember it, ‘threatening to be quite good’. In fact, I can’t recall it ever threatening anything” – Robert Darby [and what? – Fiver Ed].
“May I be the only pedant to note that The Fiver’s favourite team not managed by Mr Roy, Plucky Little Guam, remain alive in their attempts for a 2018 World Cup place. PLG (which soon will be known as USA! USA!! USA!!! Juniors given its territorial status) sit third in Asian Group D with a match against Turkmenistan next Tuesday. And you thought USA! USA!! USA!!! wouldn’t get a team to Russia (if Fifa hasn’t imploded by then) – JJ Zucal.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Hans Topo.
NEXT GENERATION 2015
Who are the best up-and-coming talents at each Premier League club? Let this snazzy interactive help you dazzle in pub conversations about young bo … er, the best English top-flight youth talents. And here’s how our 2014 intake have fared since last year’s edition.
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BITS AND BOBS
Sunderland clearly enjoyed Nigel Pearson’s maverick brand of management at Leicester, so much so that they’ve approached him over their vacant position.
Freddy Krueger, Pennywise … Wales? Chris Coleman reckons big teams are scared of his team too. “Look at the friendly games and the big boys keep it among themselves, and that’s disappointing,” he grumbled.
Liverpool are confident of landing hipsters’ choice Jürgen Klopp this week. A Fenway Sports Group suit belched that they intended to appoint in a “decisive and timely manner”.
Like a spurned lover who didn’t fancy them that much anyway, Victor Wanyama is keen to put his botched transfer attempt from Southampton to Tottenham behind him. “I just don’t want to remember that situation,” he sighed. “Yes, sure, now I’ve forgotten what happened.”
Stanislav Cherchesov has taken over at of Legia Warsaw. “The new manager has been given precise tasks, from which the most important is winning the Polish championship this season,” sniffed club suit Michal Zewlakow.
Qarabag midfielder Elvin Mamedov says he deliberately missed a penalty against Inter Baku on the orders of his head coach. “This was a show of fair play from us. There was nothing out of the ordinary. If it really was a penalty, I would not have missed the target,” big-talked Mamedov, whose team were already 2-0 up.
The Hong Kong FA is £3,378 worse off after being hit in the pocket for fans booing the Chinese national anthem during last month’s World Cup qualifier.
And QPR’s Massimo Luongo admits he’s still in shock at being on Fifa’s flamin’ Ballon d’Or longlist. “I didn’t even know if it was real … I thought it was someone trying to be funny,” he howled. “It’s a bit random.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Chris Anderson and David Sally focus on the Premier League’s great takeover drought: why aren’t clubs selling?
It’s getting towards Business Time in the Euro 2016 qualifiers. Everything is just right, there’s nothing good on TV, so Barry Glendenning breaks it all down for you.
This week’s edition of The Gallery stars Tottenham’s Son Heung-min and is pretty wafer thin. But that means your chance of winning has rarely been better. Now, send us your Kevin De Bruynes.
Shep Messing and the 1972 Olympic adventure that turned into tragedy.
Bayern Munich’s rule is the one constant in a Bundesliga stuck on shuffle, reports Raf Honigstein.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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