Christmas comes but once a year, and you’d better make sure you’re ready for it. Like, really ready. Some might say too ready, but what do they know?
Get your pens, papers and maybe a protractor out, because here’s how to celebrate Christmas, geek style.
Preparation
No self-respecting geek girl (or boy) would start preparing for Christmas in December, or November, or even October. If you really want to stay organised, decorate the house in July and explain to everyone that summer’s just gotten really twinkly and did you know that some holly bushes can grow up to fifty feet and Silent Night had 733 different versions copyrighted since 1978? They’ll never, ever ask what you’re doing again.
Better yet, buy your gifts in the January sales and just clean the mould and dust off them in time for next Christmas! Nothing says “I love you” like “I kept this for 12 months under my bed”. Obvs a bit late for this advice, but keep it in mind for 2016!
Make lists
If there’s one time of year you can get away with writing lists - publicly and maybe for other people - it’s Christmas, so go crazy: figuratively and possibly a bit literally. Write a list of all the gifts you’d like, then a list of what other people would like, then a list of what you think other people think you might like so you can prepare for the worst. Biscuits, chocolates, songs, animals: all of it needs to go in lists. And it’s Christmas, so you’ve got nothing better to do anyway. And if you do, put that in a list too!
Write cards
This time of year is a really great opportunity to put your friends and family in order of preference while very subtly letting them know where they are in your own personal hierarchy. The best ones get the pop-ups, glitter and a heartfelt message. Then you can go to the cutest bears in the multipack, then the snow-men that look a bit unhinged. Finally, give the people you don’t really like the ones with sleighs on them. Order has been established!
Wrapping
How you wrap your gifts might seem unimportant because it’s just going to be ripped off by everyone apart from the weirdos who fold it up and give it back to you, ironed, next year. But don’t be fooled: you will still be judged accordingly. Luckily, there are mathematical formulas to help you produce the perfect present.
Wrapping paper for a square box is the diagonal multiplied by one and a half times the height of the box.
A rectangular box = ½ (d+2h+w)2 = 2 (w+h)2.
And if you’ve been foolish enough to buy something spherical, that’s quite literally your problem. There aren’t enough scientists in the world to work out that one.
Games
You know how the rest of the year Trivial Pursuits and Charades are “lame” and “boring” and “not a very cool way to spend Saturday night”? Well, for a few precious days in December, the whole family has literally nothing better to do and you can finally become Queen and/or King For The Night. Remember: you’re really, really practised at this so be humble and don’t shout “I know all the answers! ALL OF THEM” every time anyone rolls the dice. And if somebody else wins, try not to kick the Christmas tree over.
Outfits
Christmas is the great leveller. You might be expected to wear something glitzy and sparkly at parties all through December, but on Christmas Day and Boxing Day you finally get to relax in what you wanted to wear all along: that big red jumper with a reindeer on it and slippers that look like snowmen. Revel as the sister you thought was cool comes down in the morning, looking like an unemployed elf. It’s the most magical time of year!
Assessment
You’re going to have to do this all over again next year, so make sure when this one’s all over – or, hey, even when it’s not – make sure to collect all the important data you need to improve on it next time. Questionnaires, quizzes, long and searching questions late at night: all of which can help you ascertain how much people really liked your presents.
Remember, with so many things going on it’s easy to let the fun get out of control. Follow this simple guide, and you’ll get an A+ for Christmas every year! (Because A minuses go straight in the bin.)
All Wrapped Up, a Geek Girl festive special is out now, you can buy it for the special price of £7.99 hardback from the Guardian bookshop.
