TIME TO WHEEL OUT THAT CHINA CRISIS HEADLINE AGAIN
Though The Fiver hasn’t been on a holiday since 1997 – don’t look so shocked, someone has to be around to take The Man’s suits to the drycleaner’s, else the whole operation falls apart – it is aware of the kind of tomfoolery that can take place when a group of lads go abroad. You’re acting like it has better things to do during the long summer evenings than watch old episodes of Sun, S€x and Suspicious Parents. The Fiver’s lived, albeit vicariously, and it knows that it’s all great knockabout fun until the moment when someone takes the mega holiday bantz too far and the room falls silent and everyone sheepishly looks at the floor and pretends not to know the idiot who’s managed to offend an entire nation with ill-judged posts on his high-profile social media page. Kenedy, you’ve let the squad down.
Now The Fiver doesn’t have much experience of being one of the lads, but has heard it said that what goes on tour stays on tour. By the same token, if you’re a professional footballer who plays for the Premier League champions and you’re on tour in China, it tends to be for the best to keep any thoughts you might have about the country to yourself. Alas poor old Kenedy’s dimwitted decision to publish two videos on his Instagram page, one with a caption which translated as “$@*# China” and another of a security guard asleep which was tagged: “Wake up China. You idiot”, sparked a furore of which Father Ted would have been proud and made him a villain in the eyes of the Chinese people, who gave the young Brazilian winger a frosty reception during Chelsea’s friendly win over Arsenal at the weekend.
There followed a grovelling apology from Kenedy – on Instagram of course – and he was fined by Chelsea and sent home in disgrace before their 3-2 defeat by Bayern Munich after a stinging editorial in the People’s Daily, which has close ties to the governing Communist Party. “Even though Kenedy and Chelsea Football club have both apologised the matter cannot be dropped,” the paper said. “It is regrettable that he has said such nonsense. He has created an incident that has humiliated China, an incident that so many fans simply cannot tolerate. Kenedy’s absurd comments are not only impolite, but also uneducated.” This never would have happened in Endsleigh League John Terry’s day.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I think he is potentially the best player who has ever come to the club” – one half of Golivan disgracefully overlooks Savio Nsereko when giving himself a hearty backslap for attracting Javier Hernández to Taxpayers FC from Leverkusen.
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FIVER LETTERS
“With the Fiver becoming increasingly jaded and desperately in-need-of-Tin as a result of all these meaningless pre-season money-making international competitions and who-gives-a-flying-one exhibition matches, it seems the perfect moment to flag up a friendly between Sheffield FC and Hallam FC this coming Sunday at the Coach and Horses stadium, Dronfield, in what is a replay of the first football derby ever, originally played on Boxing Day in 1860 and won by Sheffield FC 2-0. Don’t all rush, the ground capacity is 2,089. Prior to the Boxing Day match, Sheffield FC, the oldest football club in the world and formed in 1857, had only ever played games against itself. This strikes me as the ultimate endpoint of Big Cup football – the gradual reduction of irrelevant one-sided matches against pipsqueak teams such as, inter alia, Celtic, Arsenal, PSG and Bayern Munich, until all that is left is Real Madrid playing against Real Madrid to find out which is the best Real Madrid team. Important to realise, I think, that Sheffield had already been there and done that over 150 years ago, and decided, nah, it was more fun to play against someone else; if only for the enhanced bragging rights and the shared bath after the match” – Kevin McKee.
“Ross Wilson asks whether others keep a folder of published Fiver contributions (yesterday’s letters). Well yes, obviously. Pathetic isn’t it? (Especially as one can simply Google ‘my name’ ‘fiver’ site:www.theguardian.com’ for a nostalgic – and occasionally cringe-inducing – reminder of previous attempts at insight or humour, together with the archived brickbats they provoked)” – Steve Allen.
“In response to Ross Wilson’s query, I’m much worse than that – I print mine off (and those of my husband so extra sadness points there I think) and pin them to my office noticeboard. I suppose it’s to remind me that things really could be worse (rather than grasping at fleeting milliseconds of fame)” – Katie Maddock.
“Re: Noble Francis. I think it would make more sense having a dedicated column penned by Noble Francis in The Fiver possibly called (Noble’s Know Balls) to free more letter space up for some of the less prolific letter writers in The Fiver’s audience? Weird Uncle Fiver could deputise for him on sick days, it’s a win-win” – Daniel Makeham.
“I’ve sent two letters and had one published, which was a pretty respectable 50%. If you’re reading this it’s now gone up to 66%” – Peter McMullen.
“Re: the raging publication ratio debate (which is potentially more commonly known as Fivering yourself), I’ve scored four out of seven, which can’t possibly be right” – Anthony Melvin.
“Some time ago someone pointed out that Chelsea should have tried to sign Andrea Conti so there would be Konte, Conte and Conti at the same club. Given the size of the budget to buy who they want and the number of personnel on the staff this really would not be that amazing. I work at a small charity with 11 staff - at one stage we had Tina, Gina and Hina all at the same time and have had Sheena, Lena and Bettina at other times. When our new volunteer arrives in August we will have Yulia (Russian), Julie (USA) and Julia (Brazil) all at the same time” – Graham Haslam, whose workplace could almost be an edition of the Knowledge.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Kevin McKee.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
“I for one welcome our new royal overlords” – David Squires on … Manchester City’s Premier League evolution.
BITS AND BOBS
Perhaps because they’re Real Madrid, they reckon they’re closing in on a world record £161m deal for Monaco’s Kylian Mbappé which will surely go down well with Him.
Perhaps having been told that Wolverhampton is the 77th best place to live in Britain, Diogo Jota has suddenly found himself at Molineux on loan from Atlético Madrid.
Perhaps having seen that Peterborough is 10 places higher than Wolverhampton in the best-places-to-live-in-Britain list, free agent Steven Taylor, 87, has penned a two-year deal at the club. “I want to win things,” he honked.
Perhaps having seen that Dorset is the place to live a long and happy life after retirement, Adam Smith has inked a new four-year deal at Bournemouth.
Perhaps because they keep getting slapped on the wrist by Uefa, the Queen’s Celtic will close two sections of their ground for the first leg of their Big Cup qualifier with Rosenborg. “Celtic is not a political arena for any supporters to come into and display any sort of political element,” said Brendan Rodgers.
And perhaps because we’re a tea-timely football email for whom time has not been kind, we felt a bit emotional when we heard 2012’s Michu had been forced to call it a day. “According to medical reports, the current situation of my right ankle has come to a point where it has forced me to say goodbye as a professional football player,” sniffed Michu. “I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the magical moments that you have given to me during all this time. I feel privileged to have fulfilled a dream that is shared by so many of us since childhood.”
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Tino Asprilla’s “astonishing, bow-legged brilliance”, Kevin Keegan’s despair and defiance, tearful Geordies, Robbie Fowler and Stan Collymore raising the roof of the Kop – our “Premier League at 25” series celebrates the greatest of games: Liverpool 4-3 Newcastle in 1996, as recalled by Scott Murray here.
Powerhouses Germany and France are finding it tough at Euro 2017. This is a good thing, reckons Suzanne Wrack, demonstrating rising standards in the women’s game.
Calling every single fan in Europe: tell us how your team will do this season, here.
Where have all the Scottish managers gone? The Fiver’s stereotypical Scottish cousin, Shortbread McFiver, couldn’t tell us, but Ewan Murray can.
And having suffered the transfer window equivalent of the Mortal Kombat death scene, how in Weird Uncle Fiver’s name will Monaco cope? Eric Devin investigates.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
