ENFERMO
Long, long, ago, in an office reasonably close by, The Fiver used to be sent out on weekends and bank holiday weekends too. Back then, it was a diligent tea-timely email, eager to please The Man, making its subscriber squeal with delight with the latest satire, 365 days a year. But one night, The Fiver went to one of those hideously-expensive retro cinema nights, screened at some ungodly hour, and watched Ferris Bueller. This is how we came to discover the sick-note, the sickie, aka the glorious day(s) off. More specifically, discovering the steps needed to make a sickie convincing. The key to faking out The Man is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is this missive.
And so, every week on Saturday mornings, The Fiver put this practice into action, repeating the trick on Sunday – obviously – to make the hoax more believable. “It’s a 48-hour thing.” The Man – a stickler for HR rules – falls for it every time, hook-line-and-sinker, and now The Fiver only has to tap out a few hundred words of nonsense five days a week, leaving weekends free for accumulators, QVC and Tin. All of which bring us to Bueller’s latest convert, Mesut Özil, who has managed to somehow convince Arsène Wenger “his immune system is a bit in trouble at the moment”. As non-specific excuses go, that is a good one even by our standards, but then the German has always been creative. “I don’t know why,” Wenger pondered. “We hope we can improve him medically.”
Part of the reason why might be because Arsenal have to play in the biggest dead-rubber of all time, the second leg of their last-32 Big Vase tie at home to Swedish minnows Östersund, in which they are already 3-0 up from the first leg. Some might say that Özil is simply following in a long line of great Arsenal players to pull the wool over Wenger. Last summer before the Emirates Cup, Alexis Sánchez posted a message on Instagram – “Enfermo” – with a forlorn expression, a well-placed scarf and miserable-looking dog to seal the deal. Dennis Bergkamp got away with it for years, missing vital Big Cup ties because he was too scared to fly. Thierry Henry was once even caught on camera faking illness so he could stay home and play Pro Evo.
Regardless of Özil’s condition, his absence is not a bad thing for Arsenal. So long as they avoid their annual spineless European knockout performance, the Gunners should be safely through to the Round of Arsenal. Should. Plus, with the Rumbelows Cup final against Manchester City on Sunday, this is the perfect opportunity for poor Mesut to down some Lemsip and get some shut-eye. Or simply sit in front of his massive home cinema and play Pro Evo. The Fiver knows where it would rather be.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I can’t believe some people. I’m one of the greatest minds in football and I’m wasted because of a lack of experience or maybe ‘he talks his mind too much’” – [I’m] Sol Campbell on not being given the Oxford United manager’s job.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Regarding Leicester City’s FFP fine, isn’t it nice that a club, accused of spending too much money, can spend their way out of trouble” – Rob Dyton.
“Re: meeting footballers (Fiver letters passim). One summer’s morning in 2005, a Bradford City-supporting friend and I walked into the local village of Menston during a long wait between GCSE exams. Stopping at a sandwich shop, we sat down and began to read the paper, when a large Range Rover with the license plate W1ND455 pulled up, and then-Bradford striker and professional Yorkshireman Dean Windass stepped in. He asked the guy behind the counter for ‘the usual’ before turning to us, the only people there. Spotting us reading the sports pages he said: ‘Alright lads – who’s trying to sign me today then?’ My mate was rendered speechless by his hero casually chatting to him, so I had to fill in. ‘Says here Chelsea want you for £20m,’ I replied. ‘I’d never leave,’ he said. ‘I love Bradford me.’ He grabbed his sandwich and drove off. He signed for Hull 18 months later” – Elliott Conway.
“I was once summoned with a ‘follow me young man’ on to the Forest team coach by Ol’ Big Head himself, in front of the assembled reserve 11 (containing more than a few first-team regulars returning from knack/being humiliated in the stiffs for ineptitude, etc) to receive his autograph, which he steadfastly and brusquely refused to donate during the course of the match. Greatness, accept no substitute” – Paul Barlow.
“I’ve sat on the next table to Bob Wilson at a restaurant in South Africa; at the next table to Graeme Souness at a restaurant in London; and was on the same flight from Amsterdam to London as Karl-Heinz Riedle. Nothing of any interest happened on any of these occasions, which seems appropriate for The Fiver” – James Kirk.
“Following on from Dexter O’Riordan’s success (yesterday’s letters), will positive thinking prevent publication of The Fiver?” – Nigel Walter [commiserations – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rob Dyton.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho isn’t for chatting about the absence of Paul Pogba from his starting lineup in Seville, where David de Gea FC clung on for a 0-0 Big Cup draw. “If I was one of [the media], I would ask if the Manchester United manager agrees that Scott McTominay had a fantastic performance. My answer would be: yes,” he salted.
West Brom boss Alan Pardew wants to draw a line under that night in Barcelona. Ha! “The disciplinary side is dealt with. There’s a board here that comes together and decides that and we move on now,” he blurted.
Just what Morocco need for their World Cup 2026 bid: the backing of disgraced former Fifa president Sepp Blatter. “It is time for Africa again!” he cheered.
Fresh off that recent successful soft launch, Nasty Leeds will release a new club crest for their 2019-20 centenary season.
And notoriously mild-mannered Billericay Town owner-manager Glenn Tamplin says he’ll quit if Wealdstone beat them in their FA Trophy quarter-final. “Lose Saturday when it really matters [and] I will sack myself,” he trumpeted.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
STILL WANT MORE?
“People talk a lot but it’s actions that count after Grenfell” – Les Ferdinand talks to Paul MacInnes.
Louise Taylor on the utter state of Sunderland.
Barney Ronay on José and Paul.
Liam Rosenior on Brighton.
Get your Östersund while they’re still in Europe.
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