I’m a 71-year-old man with a husband who is 21 years younger. We’ve been together for eight years and married for two. The problem is that I got traumatised by fear of Aids in the late 80s and I’ve become inhibited in my sexual behaviour. I was brought up in a time when homosexuality was against the law, and I am still struggling to liberate myself.
Make two lists now – the first one of all the erotically exciting things you would like to do, regardless of any risk for HIV transmission. Make it a long list, and let your imagination take you wherever it will – from passionate embraces in a dark movie theatre or exciting touches while swimming at a private picnic, to full-on intercourse, oral sex or whatever might be arousing for you.
Then make another list of just those things you fancy that could expose you to a risk of HIV exposure. You will find that the second list is extremely short compared with the first. The point is, there are so many non-insertive forms of wonderfully erotic sex, you can stop worrying about disease and instead focus on pleasure. Put your sexual energy and imagination to summoning the positive aspects of love-making, then act on whatever is comfortable, not forgetting erotic conversation, mutual masturbation and sex toys. If your husband will cooperate by creating his own thrilling list, so much the better!
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com(please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
