PAULINH … OH!
Neymar is Brazilian. So, too, is Paulinho. That is normally about as far as the Fiver’s journalistic depth extends but Barcelona’s revolving door has pressed us into action again, this time to dance to the samba beat of an arrival who, for one reason or another, does not seem to have inspired quite as much of a hullaballoo as his dearly departed compatriot. Who’s not to love a dynamic, box-to-box midfield powerhouse with an eye for goal? Well, Barça’s official website. In a departure from standard emoji-driven club media fawning, it furnished us with the most pursed-lipped of descriptions of their fresh recruit from Guangzhou Evergrande.
“Paulinho is a player who stands out for being a powerful midfielder at 1.82m tall who can get into the box and can play anywhere in the middle of the park,” his new employers mumbled. “The 29-year-old has plenty of experience in the game in various continents.” So far, so factual. Particularly where the last bit is concerned. That’s the bit that makes Paulinho infinitely more interesting than Neymar. His career reads like a gap year that, after overdoing it on the jungle juice early doors, went horribly wayward. Brazil, Lithuania, Poland, Brazil again and, most cringeworthily, Tottenham were his calling points before that career-defining spell in China – yes, you read the last six words correctly – so perhaps landing in Catalonia will feel like the coming-to from some kind of dizzying, hallucinatory initiation ceremony overseen by an Amazonian shaman. Or that’s actually the bit where it kicks in, his unveiling beneath the cavernous stands and bright floodlights of the Camp Nou resembling some kind of manic, otherworldly reality conjured up by a chemically-warped imagination.
Probably not the signing Barcelona fans wanted, then, given the riches they already possess in midfield and the obvious lack of a replacement for their recent export to Paris. But it’s the signing they’ve got and, if they need any reference beyond the cackling of Spurs fans and the sound of the door marked Do One being slammed firmly shut by Mauricio Pochettino, there’s always the identity of the man who helped make this whole thing happen. Remember Kia Joorabchian, expert curator of that groundbreaking transfer of Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez to West Ham 11 years ago? He happens to be the Mr 20% in question here – and the deal he has overseen will result in a princely £36m winging its way from Barcelona to Guangzhou ..
It might yet appear a move worth every penny if Paulinho can repeat the one nice thing everyone remembers from his time at White Hart Lane, a cute backheeled winner against Cardiff, at a vaguely relevant moment. More likely is that this is a deal The Fiver will never quite get its head round – although the Barça website will, presumably, help us out by stripping away the flim-flam from any further observations as their new hero’s latest chapter begins in earnest.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“MX7232. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. Prison did change me. But not many people experience that and then play in a [Big Cup] final. I’ve got to take some credit for not letting it destroy me” – new Billericay Town signing Jermaine Pennant reflects on his rollercoaster career to date in this chat with Donald McRae.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Sir Bernard Ingham, Windsor Davies, Vince Hilaire, Half of Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine! Nicholas Witchell, David ‘Kid’ Jensen, Alf from Home and Away (apparently), Eddie Izzard! Can you hear me? Eddie Izzard! Your boys took a hell of a beating!” – Jon Millard (not a Huddersfield fan, nor is he Norwegian, apparently).
“I saw Antonio Conte in Waitrose in Esher this (Sunday) morning. He was wandering up and down the place without a basket or trolley, and though clearly not short of a bob or two (nice shades) didn’t seem to be able to spot anything that he wanted to buy. In football, as in life?” – Simon Cherry.
“It’s great that the Football League has got with the times and released a subscription service to overseas fans. Fantastic! But I can’t help but feel that a better option would be to make people pay if they don’t want to watch Nasty Leeds. I know I’d pay a fortune!” – Dan Makeham.
“Re smug Allastair McGillivray’s Nasty Leeds news vacuum in Sydney: there’s every chance of a Likely Lads scenario here. Trying to avoid the result before watching a match on delay is much more difficult now given the pervasiveness of social media. But last weekend I went cold turkey for 24 hours – no Facebook, Twitter nor even texts from gloating/compassionate friends. Settled down to Sunderland v Derby only to be sabotaged by the club itself on RamsTV … b@stards” – Hilary Webster.
“For the benefit of Fiver readers under a certain age, I feel it appropriate to explain the antiquated reference in Allastair McGillivray’s letter of last Friday … Nasty Leeds used to be a football team” – Derek McGee.
“Re: the Milk Cup draw bungle (Friday news). Maybe the ABBA penalty shootout process is now being applied to cup draws” – Nick Tollerton.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Simon Cherry.
BITS AND BOBS
He will have a little more time to apply glitter to His muscles while gazing at Himself in the mirror after being banned for five games for shoving the referee who dared send Him off in Real Madrid’s 3-1 first-leg win over Barça in the Spanish Super Cup.
Stoke look set to keep their status as the No1 rehabilitation centre for failing football careers after PSG striker Jesé inched closer to joining on a loan deal.
Liverpool have left Barcelona’s 2018-19 player of the year Philippe Coutinho out of their Big Cup squad for tomorrow night’s 1-1 draw with Hoffenheim.
A police officer was taken to hospital and children as young as 10 were injured in a brawl after around 200 total whoppers clashed after Middlesbrough’s 1-0 win over Sheffield United.
Diego Costa doesn’t think much of Antonio Conte and, like a caged lion who has had too much meat and Lucozade, he just wants Chelsea to set him free. “He is not a coach who is very close with his players. He is very distant. He doesn’t possess ... charisma,” he sniffed. “I want the deal with Atlético resolved this month.”
And having watched Watford waltz through his Liverpool midfield on Saturday, Jürgen Klopp has suddenly got the hots for Nice midfielder Jean Michaël Seri.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Jamie Vardy embodies Leicester-ism, Swansea have a job replacing Gylfi Sigurdsson and the Baggies are looking particularly well drilled: three of 10 talking points from the opening weekend’s Premier League action.
Blackeye Rovers fans have too little to cheer and seem too sad to boo; Jeremy Alexander brings this week’s Football League in focus from Ewood Park.
Might Marcus Rashford’s pace and Romelu Lukaku’s power be a winning combination? Jamie Jackson reckons so.
Good pics ahoy! It’s The Dozen.
It’s been a strange summer for Antonio Conte and a terrible start to the season, but some shiny new signings will make it all better, writes glass-half-full’s Ed Aarons.
Probably not for the last time in our Ligue 1 weekend review, Neymar scored and PSG won.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
