DOCTOR MOU?
The Fiver has never been much of a first-aider. Plasters applied to cut fingers and thumbs come off within the hour. Deep Heat is always administered just that little bit too close to the burny bits. Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation brings out our asthma. To this unfunny tea-timely email, the recovery position normally involves retreating to the sofa for hours on end, drawing the curtains, bingeing on Relentless, and vowing never to darken the gutters of King’s Cross.
All of which means The Fiver probably isn’t a good candidate to succeed Eva Carneiro as Chelsea’s match-day doctor, following her impending demotion by José Mourinho for er … doing her job. After Eden Hazard collapsed in a heap in the closing stages of Chelsea’s 2-2 draw with Swansea on Saturday, Carneiro entered the field of play to treat the knacked winger. Big mistake, Eva! Never mind the well-being of the Premier League’s best player. Never mind your Hippocratic oath or the medical code of ethics. Never mind the fact that referee Michael Oliver twice beckoned you and club physio Jon Fearn on to the field of play to tend to the crocked Belgian. Swansea could counter-attack when you are tending to him! Did you think about that? WELL, DID YOU?
Following such a deplorable case of gross misjudgment, Carneiro is now no longer permitted to attend matches, training sessions, or enter the team hotel but, in fairness, the writing was already on the wall. Despite Chelsea having an excellent knack record, Mourinho has been furious with the club’s medical team for Diego Costa’s twanging hamstrings, although he’s been far quieter on the subject of his striker playing five-a-side in Kuwait over the summer or heading straight off to Ibiza and hanging out with DJs in the early hours of Sunday morning.
Despite his condemnation, Carneiro has received some messages of support, notably from the Football Medical Association and what do they know? “If a player sustains or appears to sustain [knack] and indicates that he needs assistance, it is the duty of the referee to permit medical assessment and evaluation to be provided,” said chief suit Eamonn Salmon in a statement. “At that moment the player becomes a patient of the medical team and it is the duty and obligation of club medical staff to attend to that patient accordingly and without prejudice to the interests of anyone else including the club employing them. Factors extraneous to the immediate medical needs of the patient (such as the stage and state of the game) cannot be part of their consideration at such time.”
Despite all that, it isn’t likely to have much effect – the search for Carneiro’s replacement continues. Even Gary Lineker has thrown his hat into the ring. “Might apply for the Chelsea doctor’s job given the applicant must understand football. Not sure if any medical knowledge is required,” he zinged on Wednesday. At least we’ve got a new Chelsea signing to get excited about, the transfer window just got interesting again. Now, does anybody know anyone competent who could conduct the medical?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“[I was] just trying to get the ball towards goal to see what would happen” – nothing to see here, just Den Haag keeper Martin Hansen scoring a backheeled volley injury-time equaliser in their Eredivisie opener against PSV.
FIVER LETTERS
“That Partick Thistle mascot (yesterday’s Fiver letters) reminds me a little of the Wichita State University effort. During March Madness I always enjoy the no-clue, middle aged basketball moms doing the associated hand gesture in the crowd shots. Shocking” – Ray Hanc0ck.
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BITS AND BOBS
West Ham striker Diafra Sakho has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting his girlfriend in east London.
Liverpool left-back José Enrique has revealed he is all about the cause after vowing to keep coining it in at Liverpool. “I had a very good option to return to Spain, but [it] is complicated because the economy is very different from what exists here,” he trilled. “The only teams that can deal with what is paid in England are Real Madrid and Barcelona, so I would love to stay here until my legs stop me.”
Pedro is talking the good talk over his future after scoring the winner for Barcelona in their 5-4 Super Cup belter against Sevilla. “The sports director says I said I want out? He shouldn’t say that, I barely talked with him,” he sniffed. “Do I want to leave? The answer is ‘no’, but my situation is difficult. It’s not about money, but about more playing time.”
Hamburg haven’t even played a Bundesliga game yet this season, but they’re already IN CRISIS, what with a cup exit to fourth-tier Carl Zeiss Jena, plus a bag containing sensitive team data and belonging to club suit Peter Knaebel turning up in a city park. “The last few days were certainly not beautiful, anything but happy,” sniffed CEO Dietmar Beiersdorfer.
Daaamn! Aston Villa give Westwood five-year deal. Heavy hit after heavy hit.
Rafael da Silva claims Louis van Gaal wasn’t his biggest fan during their time together at Manchester United. “I know he didn’t like me, but if it’s because I am Brazilian, I do not know,” he parped.
Oxford United helped out Brentford’s stattos with some impressive number-crunching by giving them a 4-0 home shoeing in the Milk Cup. “It was an embarrassing performance from my team,” grizzled boss Marinus Dijkhuizen. “There were a lot of lessons tonight for me and for the players. That’s a good thing. The bad thing is we played awful.”
Meanwhile, the Griffin Park number-crunchers’ spreadsheets have come up with a maverick plan: to get the pitch relaid, forcing the postponement of next week’s Championship game with Birmingham City. “I hope all Bees fans understand that this is the best solution in the circumstances,” calculated club suit Mark Devlin.
And Costa Rica coach Paulo Wanchope enjoyed a full and frank exchange with an unidentified man during the U-23s’ Olympic qualifier in Panama on Tuesday night. Here’s how the fisticuffs went down.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires hits it out of the park, as per usual.
Win! Win! Win! We’ve got (home) tickets to Sunderland v Norwich City this weekend up for grabs.
Some honesty from Tony Pulis stands out among the managerial masters of deception, writes Jacob Steinberg.
Which club has sunk the lowest to come back and be champions? The Knowledge has the answer.
Quiz time! Test your knowledge of red cards without going for an early bath.
Get them while they’re hot: tickets for Football Weekly Live in Manchester on 3 September, with AC Jimbo, Barry Glendenning and co.
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