CHINESE WHISPERS: FODGERS IS ROOKED
Famously, to perk people up before an arduous undertaking, the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao-Tze pointed out that a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. The great sage wisely didn’t mention that an undignified stagger ending with an embarrassing collapse into a deep and smelly ravine of despondency also begins with a single step. But not to worry, because the Premier League fixture-bot today brought that fact to Brendan Rodgers’ attention instead, as it contrived to force Liverpool to start next season away to Stoke, who memorably took one glance at Rodgers’ best laid plans on the final day of last season and tossed them into a big red shredder.
Chinese folklore also maintains that Lao-Tze spent 62 years in his mother’s womb before emerging as a fully-grown man with a long beard and craggy brow. Coincidentally, the gestation period for Rodgers’ masterplan at Anfield is reckoned to be about the same. But there are now mounting fears that his scheme will never get to see the light of day, after the fixture-bot – which sources claim was not infected by a mischievous virus of Mancunian origin – lined up a harrowing set of away matches for Liverpool after their Britannia ordeal, with the next trips being to Arsenal, Manchester United, Everton, Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City. The match at City is currently scheduled for 21 November. The Fiver’s riff-bot has provisionally put Jürgen Klopp down for a 22 November unveiling at Anfield.
Rodgers does, of course, have all off-season to plot a way to stave off the seemingly inevitable. But he faces another daunting rebuilding job because, having failed spectacularly to replace Luis Suárez last year, Rodgers now has just a few weeks to succeed at a task that is arguably even harder. For starters, where can he possibly find someone who can pull off the shorts-in-all-weather look as well as Colin Pascoe?
What is more, City’s goals in what is expected to be Rodgers’ final game could be scored by Raheem Sterling, for whom they have made a renewed bid, increasing last week’s rejected offer to £40m. Rodgers has previously insisted that Sterling would definitely be at Anfield next term, but the way things are going, it is far more likely that money from the sale of Sterling will be used to fund new signings. The Fiver recommends beginning by hiring Walter De Gregorio, Fifa’s former press officer, whose magnificent ability to portray a king-hell crisis as a wonderful triumph suggests he could perform a timely and highly entertaining duet with Rodgers.
- Fixtures, fixtures, get your full season fixtures: Premier League, Championship, League One and League Two, where lucky old Carlisle have landed a midweek evening trip to Plymouth and three London sojourns in January.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Hello, Twitter! Excited to join the conversation and share updates with you. Busy and exciting first weeks as AG – now I’m joining Twitter” – USA! USA!! USA!!! attorney general Loretta Lynch has probably got Sepp Blatter searching for the block button.
FIVER LETTERS
“You bemoan Marco Aurélio Cunha’s insensitive and silly remarks regarding female football players’ appearance (yesterday’s Quote of the Day), but to my mind, the problem goes much deeper. Here in the USA! USA!! USA!!!, according to media accounts, the US soccerball team consists of only two players: Abby Wambach, whose every touch of the ball goes five yards too far for her to reach; and Alex Morgan, whose sole contribution is apparently her good looks. No one else is featured in commercials, billboards and media discussion. The Fox commentators even had the temerity to suggest that the team’s problems would all be solved if these two, who are currently stinking up the joint, would play all 90 minutes. So, Sr Aurélio Cunha is clearly not the only one who can’t see the forest for the trees” – Dave Wilbur.
“Moronic comment about #sufc (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) so well done you. Because no football club ever needed sponsorship income did they?” – Andy Perrey.
“T Brazear ought to know that, although the term ‘selfie’ might be relatively modern, cameras have had self-timers for many years (yesterday’s Fiver letters). This excellent site tells me that the earliest US timer was from 1902. So Amy Lawrence could well have taken a photo and been in it” – Mark Ireland (and others).
“Apropos the letter from a Mr Paul Reaney on his plan to save Fifa (yesterday’s letters). As a die-hard Nasty Leeds fan, I naturally got rather excited when I saw the byline. I mean, Paul Reaney! He was one of the club’s greatest ever players, a fine hard-tackling defender. I often wondered what he is up to these days. Now I know. Thank you, Fiver. I’d vote for him (if I had a vote, which I don’t)” – Allastair McGillivray.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Swiss investigators are looking into 53 possible cases of money laundering and “104 cases of suspicious activity” at Fifa; Pakistan FA president Faisal Saleh Hayat has been ousted over alleged “incompetence and embezzlement” – Hayat says his critics are “non-entities”; and Asian Football Confederation general secretary Alex Soosay has quit amid claims he tried to have corruption evidence “tampered with or hidden”. Everyone denies wrongdoing.
To the Women’s World Cup, where USA! USA!! USA!!!, Japan, Cameroon and even the flamin’ Matildaroos have qualified for the knock-out stage.
Jordan Henderson says he wants to be Liverpool’s captain now that he’s a “bit older and more mature”, but everyone has to take responsibility and there are a lot of leaders at the club and the lads will get right behind whoever the gaffer picks, etc and so on until the new season starts.
News from Fiver sources: Arsenal are in a three-way tug o’ wages with Southampton and Sunderland for the Queen’s Celtic’s Virgil van Dijk; Burnley’s Kieran Trippier is off to Spurs so DeAndre Yedlin can do one somewhere else; and Micah Richards has been given a four-year deal to stop Villa’s defence being so damn entertaining.
Two fans in Russia have started a crowd-funding effort to cover the reported €21m compensation fee it’d take to sack Fabio Capello. “We’ve been deeply disappointed by our national team,” honked “Fabio, go home” bid leaders Anton Danilkovich and Vladislav Shunaev. “We’ve all had our souls spat on.”
Knack’s Andy Carroll has become non-contact trundling’s Andy Carroll. “I’ve started jogging and it’s getting better,” he revealed. “I’ve been in the gym a long time so it’s nice to be outside going for a jog.”
And Clint Dempsey hauled the Respect Campaign through a gutter after swiping a ref’s notebook and tearing it up as Seattle Sounders lost to Portland Timbers in the US Open Cup. The ref still had his red card in one piece, though, and used it. Three times, and Seattle ended up with just seven men due to further player shortage shenanigans.
STILL WANT MORE?
The swastika painted on the pitch in Split was most likely intended to bring down top suits at the Croatian FA. It may still do that but could also lead to the team being banned from Euro 2016, reports Aleksandar Holiga.
Voicing disapproval about footballers smoking or drinking on holiday is like live-tweeting Take Me Out, reckons Marina Hyde, deliberately making The Fiver feel bad about live-tweeting Take Me Out.
Amy Lawrence chats with Santi Cazorla.
This week’s Knowledge archive special remembers the most boring days of Italian football.
Think Tom Huddlestone looked dozy and inadequate during Hull’s relegation last term? Then you’re obviously not Tim Sherwood, says the Rumour Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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