ONLY THE BEST?
Everton’s club motto is “Nil Satis, Nisi Optimum”, which according to the Fiver’s patented online translation tool, WhatTheFiver?, means “Neil Sedaka, We Can’t Get Enough”. But nitpicking linguists have challenged that interpretation, insisting that the motto is actually Latin for “Only the Best Will Suffice” and that Everton’s rallying cry is nothing whatsoever to do with a golden oldie whose glory days are gone. And yet here the club is, trying to arrange one final greatest hits tour of the Premier League for that much-loved veteran performer and ad hoc pianist, Wayne Rooney.
Such is the esteem with which Manchester United hold their record goalscorer that they are willing to facilitate his move to Goodison Park by tearing a massive void in Everton’s starting lineup. Reports in more reputable publications than The Fiver claim that United today submitted a £75m bid for Romelu Lukaku, who has averaged a goal in nearly every other game since joining Everton for £28m three years ago and has spent recent months hinting almost as prolifically that he wants to move somewhere better. Old Trafford might not seen the obvious destination for Lukaku, given that he did not exactly see eye to eye with José Mourinho when the pair were together at Chelsea a few years ago, but both men have changed since then and the manager now has a deep affection for giant Belgians with questionable first touches and, indeed, is said by many fibbers to be thinking of getting a tattoo of Marouane Fellaini on his face.
For Mourinho, a Lukaku move to United would have the bonus of shoving a cucumber up the exhaust pipe of Chelsea’s transfer plans. Ronald Koeman, meanwhile, is hoping that Everton can wangle even more than £75m out of United so that he will be able to say that he has revamped almost the entire squad in the last year by flogging Lukaku and John Stones to Manchester clubs for ludicrous fees, though the arrival of Rooney risks intensifying debate over the correct translation of the word ‘revamp’.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I like to get drunk, I’m a power drinker. My thing is not to drink regularly, it’s to binge drink. I’m trying to get drunk – will you accept that? I was drinking to get p!ssed” – Mike Ashley, ladies and gents.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Football is a frustrating beast at the best of times. The pain, the suffering, the despair pile up and it becomes hard to take. The biggest killers are the missed opportunities, Southend failing to get the single point in three games that would have made the differences between finishing in the play-offs and just outside while Millwall lost three in a row. The image seared in my mind of a slower than he used to be Gazza falling just two inches short of toe-poking England into the Euro 96 final. That disallowed Chesterfield goal in the FA Cup semi-final. They all hurt, as do so many more opportunities squandered. But none, not one, hurt as much as Martyn Shapter yesterday failing to say ‘I’ll get my undercoat’” – Sam Carpenter (and 1,056 others).
“I was interested to read in yesterday’s Fiver that Lionel Messi has signed a new £500,000-a-week contract with Barcelona, meaning that after tax he’ll be earning [Snip! – Fiver lawyers]” – Andrew Birtles.
“Regarding Rafa Benítez’s comment about Florian Lejeune (Tuesday’s Bits and Bobs) – “ he is good with both feet, he’s big and he’s good in the air” – is this the Spanish equivalent for ‘He has a good touch (with both feet) for a big man’?” – Graham Haslam.
“I know you’re not doing a section on silly names and, even if you were I’m really in no place to throw stones (glass houses and all that), but if you did have a section on silly footballer names in this relatively quiet Summer period then my nomination would have to be the wonderfully monikered Keagan Dolly who plays for HSC Montpellier” – Noble Francis.
“Nice to see a mention of Danny Wilson in Wednesday’s Fiver, not least because he’s in an unusual position of riding two managerial merry-go-rounds simultaneously. While he is eternally bound to be linked to any jobs in the third tier, he’s also worked for both Sheffield clubs and two clubs not all that far from Sheffield (Barnsley and Chesterfield). Given the average tenure and outcome of most of his tenures, it’s incredibly likely that, when his time comes, his epitaph will read ‘departed following a poor run of form’” – Ed Taylor.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Sam Carpenter, because he put a bit more effort into it than the 1,056 others.
BITS AND BOBS
Leicester have taken a picture of Vicente Iborra holding a Foxes top so there’s no going back on his £12m move from Sevilla now.
Toni Duggan has left Manchester City and checked in at Barcelona with the promise that she’ll try to emulate Luis Suárez. “I’m from Liverpool and grew up as a Liverpool fan so he has obviously been a great role model,” she honked. “His style of play is like he’s just playing with his mates in the streets … that’s the way I try to be.”
Newcastle’s new signing Florian Lejeune has shown absolutely no confidence in his own ability by admitting he thought his invite to join the club was a wind-up. “When I got the call, I thought it was a prank so I didn’t say anything,” parped Lejeune. “After a few hours, I said: ‘Yes, that’s Rafael Benítez’, so I had to say yes.”
The Premier League season will kick off on a Friday night for the first time, with Arsenal 1-2 Leicester being beamed live from a restless Emirates Stadium on 11 August.
Transfer ban? What transfer ban? Atlético Madrid are set to throw in a bid for Diego Costa. Meanwhile, they’ve signed Fernando Torres up for another year because, well, they love him.
And Mario Götze has recovered from metabolical disturbances-knack and will return to training with Borussia Dortmund on Friday.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Paul Doyle sits down and tells us all the story about one man and his quest to see a game in every Uefa nation in one season.
Wayne Rooney back at Everton would be a fairytale – but it may well end in tears, sobs Paul Wilson.
Ivan Perisic playing pro volleyball features in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Alexandre Lacazette: will the £52.7m signing propel Arsenal to the next level? ponders David Hytner.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
