At least Britain can reassure itself that it isn’t the only country in the world intent on cutting off its nose to spite its face right now. For when it comes to incomprehensible self-harm, China has just gone nuclear. It has banned Lady Gaga.
On Sunday, Lady Gaga met the Dalai Lama in Indianapolis, and they enjoyed the exact same woolly, faux-profound, annoyingly reverent almost-conversation that celebrities tend to enjoy whenever they meet him. And as a direct result of this meeting, the Chinese government has reportedly added Gaga to its list of dangerously hostile foreign forces, immediately banning the distribution of her recordings lest the Chinese discover a veiled pro-Tibet sentiment hidden within a song like Highway Unicorn (Road To Love).
Sure, you might see Lady Gaga sitting on a couch with the Dalai Lama – speaking slowly and nodding, like a tourist asking a local where to find the farmers’ market – and only see a disgustingly brazen bid for legitimacy. After all, a chat with the Dalai Lama has long since been a permanent fixture on the I’m A Celebrity Take Me Seriously tour. It’s all the way up there with adding the word “activist” to your Twitter bio or destroying the breezy momentum of an awards show with an overblown ballad.
Clearly, though, it’s a much bigger deal to the Chinese. The rest of the world only saw a self-infatuated pop singer struggling with the bulk of her colossal hubris, but the Chinese apparently saw the modern-day equivalent of the Munich Agreement. The messages she has received from Chinese fans have been scathing, ranging from “Lady gaga, I am so disappointed” to suggestions that Gaga would have rushed to enjoy similar meetings with Osama bin Laden if he was still alive.
Still, one suspects that this is largely China’s loss. For what it’s worth, Lady Gaga doesn’t seem overtly fussed by the ban, based on the fact that her own social media output since the meeting has almost exclusively involved carpet-bombing the Dalai Lama with mentions, like a 13-year-old girl trying to get Harry Styles to follow her back. And, by reacting with such needless venom, the Chinese have ensured that they’ll never again get the opportunity to see a once-in-a-lifetime performer such as Lady Gaga live in concert. Unless Madonna tours there soon.
Still, as clunky and opportunistic as all this fuss might seem, at least the Chinese have given us a masterclass in what should happen when an oblivious overseas entertainer blunders in and meets with the figurehead of a small country’s quest for independence from a larger and more cloddishly imperial occupying force. So at least, if nothing else, we now have a blueprint for what to do if Justin Bieber ever requests a photoshoot with Nicola Sturgeon.
