MOYES ZONE
When it was revealed on Thursday that David Moyes had said Sunderland would need to buy an “entire new team” for next season’s Championship campaign, the Fiver’s red and white striped shirt-wearing Wearside-dwelling cousin Mackem Fiver got very excited. “Juventus will do!” he hawayed to the lads, who quickly pointed out that Gigi Buffon, Giorgio Chiellini and Paulo Dybala might not be overenthused by the prospect of long trips to Brentford or Burton next season and this “completely new team” would probably consist of Duncan Ferguson, David Unsworth and a couple of on-loan Manchester United Under-23s.
With Jermain Defoe likely to skidaddle out of the Stadium of Light as fast as his little legs can carry him, Jordan Pickford likely to be sold to the highest bidder to raise some much-needed revenue and assorted out-of-contract deadwood likely to be left wriggling in bin bags outside a local charity shop, David Moyes currently faces the prospect of building his new team around John O’Shea, Victor Anichebe and the remaining cleaning staff who haven’t been made redundant, in a state of affairs that suggests Sunderland’s stay in the Championship may well be as short as they hope … but not in a good way.
On Friday it was confirmed to widespread groans on Wearside (and similarly widespread guffaws on Tyneside) that it will indeed be Moyes who is tasked with managing the local team next season and the Scot demonstrated a curious lack of understanding about How Football Works for a man who was sacked from his last two jobs in management and has managed only five wins out of 34 Premier League games in his latest one. “I don’t know what you mean by ‘decision’,” he sniped when asked if there had been a decision on his future. “I’ve got a four-year contract so I don’t know what you’re talking about ‘a decision’.” Ah, the Fiver gets it; he was labouring under the delusion it was his decision. “We have to find a way to get things correct and we’ll see what we can do,” he added. “I think if you talked about the club and not about David Moyes then right from the start we did say there is a rebuilding job to be done.”
When David Moyes was reminded that right from the start David Moyes also said that Sunderland would also be in a relegation battle, David Moyes replied: “When I look back on it I was very honest, forthright, told people what I thought,” failing to add that the description of his team’s feeble efforts to maintain their Premier League status as a “battle” turned out to be quite the misnomer. While it would be unfair to saddle Moyes with all of the blame for Sunderland’s woes this season, considering his rotten luck with injuries and the fact that the club is a right mess from the top down, his apparently steadfast belief that their relegation is nothing to do with him continues to beggar belief among ridiculously dedicated supporters of a vessel that had been listing for some years before sinking into the Championship with a forlorn gurgle. While it is a captain’s duty to go down with his sinking ship, one suspects few of them would have been too fussed if Moyes had scrambled for safety and left them to plumb the depths in peace.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Somebody said to me ‘If you’re bitten by a dog once, you’re afraid of dogs the rest of your life’. This football club was bitten by four dogs, four bad owners. Why wouldn’t they be concerned about a new owner, they don’t know [me] from 6,000 miles away, it’s totally understandable. I would feel the same way” – wannabe Portsmouth owner Michael Eisner on why his chat had better be good if Pompey fans are to ever trust him.
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FIVER LETTERS
“There’s a certain irony to Thursday’s Quote of the Day referring to Mesut Özil’s perceived lack of effort, coming as it did on a day when the Fiver’s original contribution to the copy (667 words, excluding ads) was less than that of the letters section (705 words). I assume you’re shrugging nonchalantly as you read this” – Brian Saxby.
“Sorry to be a pedant (OK, not sorry to be a pedant) but you talked on Thursday about ‘teenage goal magnet Kylian Mbappé’. Wouldn’t a goal magnet get stuck to the goal, rather as a fridge magnet sticks to a fridge? That would make him pretty useless as a striker, and offside nearly all of the time. Unless he was stuck to his own goal, and that would be even worse” – Dan Levy (and no others).
“I for one prefer not to walk around in clothes that advertise for free those giant corporate entities such as Abercrombie & Fitch, Levi’s or Guardian Towers and to be honest I find it difficult to carry off wearing a T-shirt in polite company without unsavoury wobbling at the best of times these days. However, I would absolutely do so in the cause of ‘I’m with 1,056 others’. Given that the Guardian is desperately trying to get us to provide revenue over the interweb, perhaps the Fiver could contribute by establishing its own clothing line - just like most Premier League clubs who are effectively fashion houses with a football team attached. I’m in” – Tim Birdsall.
“So some bloke did loads of research about the history of football’s European competition and displayed some outstanding knowledge about 70s Euro knockouts that would almost count as floating brain in a jar standard, and some other bloke made some crap Abba puns. And guess which one got letter’o the day. Keep fighting the good fight Fiver” – Robin Hazlehurst.
“Having toiled my way through the gulag of your daily missive for what presumably would otherwise have been the best years of my life, I’m thinking of a more political Fiver T-shirt. How about a call to arms: STOP FOOTBALL: FREE THE 1,057 NOW!” – Justin Kavanagh .
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho has told Manchester United fans that just because he plans to replace some tired players with some slightly less tired players at Arsenal “they won’t beat us five or 6-0.” Consider yourself reassured.
For some reason that may or may not be revealed in a future article by proper journalist David Conn, Leicester’s owners have made an offer to buy Belgian side OH Leuven for £2m.
Everton’s Séamus Coleman has scrawled his name all over a new five-year contract.
Neymar is to stand trial for alleged tax-knack in relation to his move to Barcelona.
The FA says it will review its partnership with betting companies but the decision has nothing to do with the case of Joey Barton. “It is right we consider it and then make a positive decision on what we are going to do or not,” sighed chief suit Greg Clarke.
Slaven Bilic, who knows a thing or two about troublesome moves, has warned Spurs that leaving White Hart Lane might be a right pain in the tail. “I would not be surprised if they had problems,” sniffed Bilic. “It is going to be very hard to replicate the atmosphere and the feeling that anywhere you turn you [feel] close to either goal.”
Jürgen Klopp has revealed that even Emre Can has had to repeatedly view that goal he scored against Watford to believe it. “He’s watched it on the iPad about 250 times,” he chortled, before saying he’s optimistic Can will sign a new contract.
Lionel Messi has had his four-game Argentina ban for allegedly saying effin’ bad words to an assistant referee overturned by Fifa because of insufficient effin’ evidence.
And Zinedine Zidane reckons He can handle being rested for Real Madrid’s 11-0 win at Granada. “I speak with [Him] all the time and I know Him very well. He knows that until now he played 60-70 games a season and the accumulation of all those years meant He needs to rest a little,” soothed Zidane.
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Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’s weekend preview.
STILL WANT MORE?
Will Arsenal v Manchester United prove a damp squib, wholesale ch-ch-changes in the Championship and eight more things to look out for this weekend.
José Mourinho’s team returned to English soil with a first-leg lead but his forwards struggled again in Big Vase, so-says Jamie Jackson.
Will Plain Old John Terry and Jermain Defoe both hotfoot it to the south coast this summer? That and more in today’s Rumour Mill.
Ugo Ehiogu’s young Spurs squad are slowly getting back into things, writes David Hytner.
Why might Atlanta United v New York City FC be MLS’s most important game? Luis Miguel Echegaray has the answer.
Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Feat. Him, Totti and … what more could you possibly want?
Portsmouth fans had a chance to interrogate prospective owner Michael Eisner with D-day looming, writes proper journalism’s David Conn.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
