Name: Airport booze.
Age: Almost as old as flight itself.
Appearance: Delicious, sparkling and refreshing at any time of the day – even before breakfast.
Wahey! I’m off to sunny Spain! Viva Espana and all that! I can’t wait to get to the airport and hit the ’Spoons! Hold on a minute. Are you going to drink responsibly?
Well, in the sense of being responsible for paying for four pints with Jägerbomb chasers and downing them all in half an hour, yes. In that case I must ask you to reconsider, lest you cause a disturbance on your flight and a possible diversion to an interim airport, where you will be removed by local police and possibly imprisoned.
But surely, as a Briton, it is my very birthright to start hitting the beers as soon as I’m through passport control? Maybe not for much longer. The new aviation minister, Lord Ahmad of Wimbledon, believes that pre-flight drinking has become a significant problem and now wants to “have a look at” the situation.
Well, that’s an enormous buzzkill. What am I supposed to do on a flight, read a book?! Lord Ahmad assures the public that he is not looking to “kill merriment” completely, so much as prevent scenes such as the one that unfolded on a Ryanair flight to Germany in February, on which six men were arrested for brawling on their way to a stag party.
He’ll never make it stick. If there’s one thing that nature teaches us, to paraphrase Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, it’s that booze finds a way. I wouldn’t be so sure. You may soon find yourself screened for alcohol before you even get on the flight. Please breathe into this bag, sir, and that.
I’m British. If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s concealing that I am drunk when the occasion demands it. He also raised the possibility of restricting the opening hours of alcohol sellers at airports. So you may simply not get the chance to get smashed in the first place.
For shame. When are these terrible new guidelines coming into force? Possibly never. Lord Ahmad may be having a look but a Department for Transport spokeswoman says they have “no plans to specifically address the issue”.
Do say: “One pint of your most joyless and family-friendly ale, please, stout yeoman of the bar.”
Don’t say: “YAAAY! Lord Ahmad, you’re me besht mate, you are.”
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