DOG LOVER v GIANT SLAYER
Barwick Park, located just south of Yeovil, has four follies, the largest and most ornate of which is called Jack The Treacle Eater. Built in tribute to a young messenger boy, the folly – in architecture, a costly ornament with no obvious practical purpose – now stands in perpetuity above an arch constructed from local rubble. Having recently swapped their own folly, Henrikh The Armenian Midfielder, for new signing Alexis The Dog Lover, Manchester United have rather spoiled what could have been a good riff for today’s Fiver before their FA Cup fourth-round match against Jack’s local team, Yeovil Town, tonight.
That said, it’s Friday and we can’t think of anything else on which to hang the opening paragraph. Besides, it would be a shame to let the solitary piece of trivia we know about the south Somerset town with a population of 45,000, located on an old Roman road and former centre of the glove-making industry, go to waste. Struggling in League Two and operating on a budget of whatever spare change manager Darren Way can find down the back of his sofa, Yeovil’s chances of beating Manchester United are somewhere between slim and none, but they have a chance nonetheless. “I’ve spent more on flipcharts than I have on players,” he told Big Paper this week. “Paul Pogba went to United for £89m – I’d be happy with a £1m budget.”
Way’s hopes of getting the weekend’s FA Cup fun off to a great start with the mother of all upsets suffered a further hammer blow when his star midfielder, Otis Khan, shoved a referee and got himself sent to the Naughty Step for three matches, extended to five on the back of a ludicrously optimistic and frivolous appeal. His silliness has also muffled the BBC’s Narrative Klaxon, as you can be sure the lifelong Manchester United fan, who was released by the club as a kid, would have featured prominently in the obligatory pre-match package filmed by their Romance and Magic of the Cup Correspondent, Mark “Clem” Clemmit.
Celebrating his 55th birthday today after signing a new contract with Manchester United yesterday, José The Wasp-Chewer is expected to be even more cheerful than usual as he takes his place in the intimate environs of the visitors’ dugout at Huish Park. With a seated capacity of just 5,512, it is probably not where his spanking new Chilean playmaker envisaged making his Manchester United debut, but Alexis The Dog Lover has travelled down south and is likely to get a run-out. Should Yeovil do the unthinkable and embarrass their hosts, we can expect calls for a fifth folly, Darren The Giant Slayer, to be erected in Barwick Park.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Ben Fisher at 7.55pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Yeovil Town 0-3 Manchester United.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s one of those things that makes you realise what is important in life. It makes you realise that health is a lot more important than football” – Érik Lamela tells David Hytner how an accident that left his brother in a wheelchair put his injury troubles in perspective.
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FIVER LETTERS
“This newfangled Uefa Nations League (Fivers passim): Mike Wilner suggests Euro Can as a witty, mildly ludicrous nickname for the trophy. My offering would be the Euro Urn – in which we could bury the ashes of meaningful football” – Ian Castle.
“As a fellow Trinidadian who reads the Fiver daily, usually a day late as evidenced by my response to yesterday’s prizeless letter o’ the day by my compatriot Mr. Ramnarace, I can also attest to the sleep-inducing effects of The Fiver after a meal. Seeing that for me this is often breakfast and my boss is little more enthused than yours, I will refrain from adding my name to this publication. I salute you brave sir, the internet is vast but we both know how small Trinidad is” – A Random Trini.
“I can certainly vouch for the Fiver-induced postprandial somnolence as we get it late after dinner here in Malaysia and just looking at it makes me so drowsy” – Hanif.
“It’s strange that so many football podcasts are going to Dublin in such a short period of time; Sid Lowe’s Spanish one, [Snip - Fiver Ed] Richardson’s and Football Weekly in the first three months of 2018 alone. Is Dublin to b@nter what Silicon Valley is to tech wannabes, or is it just that football journos like to have nights of excessive drinking... ah, I think I’ve answered my own question” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … A Random Trini.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Yorkshire FC have been welcomed into a world league for repressed minorities, independent nations and stateless peoples. “Everything that reaches the outside world about Yorkshire goes through this London-centric lens,” sniffed Yorkshire International Football Association chief suit Philip Hegarty, casually brushing a chip off his shoulder.
Arsène Wenger held two hands up and said Arsenal were at fault for Alexis Sánchez missing a doping test but they have “nothing to hide”, because his transfer to Manchester United was going through. “I pushed always for football to do more against doping so I don’t see why we shouldn’t cooperate. We try our best but this was a special day,” said Wenger.
Good news for the Lowry Hotel: José Mourinho has extended his Manchester United contract until 2020.
In a quote that definitely won’t come back to haunt him in 18 months, Mauricio Pochettino has said he would “prefer to work on my farm in Argentina” than take over at Barcelona.
Flamin’ Tim Cahill is set for a return to former club Millwall after leaving Flamin’ Melbourne City in December.
New £19m Southampton forward Guido Carrillo ticked all of Richard Scudamore’s boxes when he spoke at his unveiling. “I know Southampton from watching the Premier League from when I was small, I’ve always regarded it as the most important league in the world,” he cheered.
And Leicester boss Claude Puel stuck his tongue firmly into his cheek and said Riyad Mahrez was at the Emirates watching Arsenal against Chelsea because he was doubling up as a scout. “I asked Riyad to watch the game to make the report,” honked Puel.
STILL WANT MORE?
Come for the 10 bitesize talking points about the FA Cup weekend ahead, stay for the picture of Pep Guardiola and Neil Warnock shooting the breeze.
Quiz? Quiz. Quiz? Quiz! Quiz.
Barry Glendenning reckons Notts County resemble The Wild Bunch. But hopefully without, y’know, quite so much shooting and killing and stuff.
Want to convince people you know anything about football ‘neath the Premier League? Reuben Pinder has picked eight Football League players who could do a thing or to in the FA Cup this weekend. Read it, pass it off as your own.
Loads of people go to Venice, but they get distracted with tedious stuff like the canals, the architecture and the art, rather than the football team. Patrick Graham looks at why.
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