TEXTBOOK STUFF
When the Fiver turns up for work and asks a colleague – nay, a friend – to swap shirts midway through its shift, it does not tend to go well. A quick look at the Fiver’s string vest is all it takes to spot that it is covered in crumbs and stains and dandruff, while a quick sniff reveals a pungent combination of stale tears and disappointment. “No thanks, Fiver,” comes the general reply. “And don’t think telling me that it’s not your fault your washing machine has been broken since 1997 is going to help!” All of which has the knock-on effect of making the Fiver’s bottom lip tremble and its eyes well up once more as it slopes sadly back to its desk. Sure enough, the tears soak the vest, they stay there for a few days, the cycle continues, it never ends. Repeated rejection is hard to take.
You see even more shirt-swapping in football. Traditionally it is done after the final whistle and that’s fine. But some renegades like to mix it up, throw the rulebook out of the window, shouting a few obscenities at it as it flies through the air, and swap shirts with the opposition at half-time. And then all hell breaks loose. “We will deal with it,” said a seething Brendan Rodgers, his back up after hearing that Mario Balotelli had expended enough effort to swap shirts with Pepe at the end of a first half in which Liverpool had made Real Madrid look like QPR with better finishing and no own-goal machines in defence. “We had an incident with a player last year and we did it internally. It is not something I stand for. If you want to do that, you do it at the end of the game. It is something I will deal with tomorrow.”
It was textbook stuff from Rodgers, the way he used the ultimately irrelevant Balotelli controversy as a way of deflecting the blame for Liverpool’s 3-0 defeat; instead of focusing on his team’s inability to deal with high crosses or the failure of his big-money summer signings to make an impact yet, it was all on Balotelli, rather than the hero who signed him. For let’s not forget that Liverpool’s defeat, and indeed their indifferent start to the season, is not down to Balotelli alone. He is a convenient scapegoat but the way that Dejan Lovren and Martin Skrtel keep running into each other in defence and Simon Mignolet keeps donning the clown costume before going in goal might also have something to do with it. Much more of this and Uefa will have to start questioning what the likes of BATE Borisov, Maribor and Liverpool are adding to Big Cup.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I really believe from a footballing perspective all the experiences that we have had … what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” – the Fiver wants to know more about John Barnes’s previous football experiences after this pop at the sensationalist nature of recent book releases.
A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
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FIVER LETTERS
“Suffering through Liverpool’s Big Cup mauling by Real Madrid, I was reminded of Mark Corrigan’s foray into the jogging fraternity: early optimism that eventually became a searing stitch of reality” – Kieran Walsh.
“Will you be giving away free copies of Football Manager 2015 soon? I have a very funny topical joke which I feel sure will win letter o’the day on a slow day, and I need to weigh its diminishing relevance as we move further away from said topic, versus its potential to win a game I’ll be paying for otherwise” – Stephen Yoxall [maybe – Fiver Ed].
“Your main article (yesterday’s Fiver) was similar to a conversation I had with my 16-year-old son on Tuesday night. We were watching Barcelona v Ajax and I informed him that I saw Nottingham Forest beat both of those clubs in competitive European fixtures in 1980. After only a slight pause his response was ‘so what happened next?’. I wistfully thought of Malmo and Anderlecht also playing in Big Cup this week and said ‘I really don’t have the time to go through it all’” – Brendan Mackinney.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Kieran Walsh.
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BITS AND BOBS
Fun and games in South America dept: Corinthians and Vitoria players smell a bit like the Fiver after the water system at Cuiabá’s World Cup stadium broke down after a game. “The match ended and there was no water in the toilets, no water in the dressing rooms,” hummed Vitoria boss Ney Franco. “The players haven’t taken a shower. [We] were treated as practically an amateur side inside the stadium.”
Everton have advised supporters travelling to Lille for tonight’s Big Vase tie to avoid the city’s main square after reports that police have fired teargas and rubber bullets. “The club has been made aware of an isolated incident in a bar in Lille on Wednesday evening in which a number of Evertonians were attacked by a group of around 50 local men,” read a club statement.
Chelsea expect to be without Diego Costa for their trip to Manchester United on Sunday, what with his groin still twanging.
Sporting Lisbon haven’t taken their 4-3 Big Cup defeat to Schalke well, lodging a protest with Uefa and demanding a rematch because of a controversial last-gasp penalty. “The green-whites [of Sporting] have demanded the match to be played again or alternatively to receive the bonus for a draw,” laughed a Schalke statement.
Arsène Wenger has put Arsenal’s lucky 2-1 come-from-behind win at Anderlecht down to a grand late gamble. “We took all the risks,” he cheered, helpfully overlooking the dour fare his team produced for 88 minutes beforehand.
And Hartlepool have named former player Paul Murray as their new manager.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Need to see the goals 15 minutes after they go in (or 60 seconds by nefarious Vines)? Bah! How about reliving Southampton 8-0 Sunderland in the brick-by-brick style.
STILL WANT MORE?
For Luis Suárez the end is in sight. Or is it the beginning? Sid Lowe gets you in the clásico countdown mood.
This week’s Classic YouTube stars more of Juan Román Riquelme, own-goal chuckles and some very unlucky boxing referees.
Let Gerard Meagher be your guide through a brief history of football’s premature shirt-swapping controversies.
From helium-inhalation to a seeming allergy to goals, Ed Aarons charts Mario Balotelli’s story so far at Anfield.
Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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