NUMBERWANG
When José Mourinho faced the ladies and gentlemen of the Fourth Estate in the wake of his side’s humiliation at Manchester City on Sunday evening, The Fiver was curious to see how he’d spin the horrors of what he’d just seen unfold. It being too soon after the game for him to have gone full White House press secretary and show doctored footage that made it look as if Manchester United had actually won, Mourinho was left with little option but to rubbish the lack of knowledge of those rat-a-tatting statistics his way, by pointing out that things like match results and league positions don’t really amount to much in the cosmic scheme of things.
“The way people who don’t understand football analyse football is with stats,” said the man who was recently very quick to point out that he has won more Premier League league titles than the other 19 top-flight managers combined. José’s contemptuous disregard for such simplistic gauges of a team’s prowess as scorelines and league tables was prompted by the news that a Manchester United team had conceded 66% of possession in a local derby, while mustering just five shots to City’s 16. In other damning statistical news that obviously doesn’t count unless you’re thick, his team managed to complete just five passes in the opening 12 minutes, one fewer than Fernandinho managed in the uninterrupted 44-pass build-up to City’s third goal.
While the absence of Paul Pogba through injury meant United were always going to be in for a difficult afternoon, it transpires this was not for the reason most pundits had foreseen. “We had to play [Marouane] Fellaini and he was not ready to play for 90 minutes,” said Mourinho. “I can imagine when the result was 2-1 to bring on a fresh Fellaini, I think they would be in big, big trouble.” As it was, with his £50m summer signing Fred kicking his heels on the bench as an unused sub, the United boss had to make do with a comparatively stale Fellaini. Like the rest of his teammates, the Belgian did his best impersonation of a training cone as City pinged the ball hither and yon before winning the game.
Of course, while it might seem like The Fiver is picking on José, it would be unfair to suggest he was the only manager in Sunday’s derby asking reporters to ignore both stats and the evidence of their own eyes. “First half not so good,” said Pep, adding to the general theme of lies, damned lies and statistics.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My mate Javier managed to blag me a ticket to the hottest South American derby possibly ever - the Grand Clasico between Boca Juniors and River Plate … we were gonna stand pitch side whilst he DJed … and it rained so hard they postponed it … and I’ve left Argentina” – lank-haired beatsmith Rob da Bank experiences that crushing feeling The Fiver is all too familiar with after the rain gods washed out the first leg of the Copa Libertadores final on Saturday.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Max Rushden forced the pod out of bed at an appalling hour this morning, so please do listen to what they chatted about.
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BITS AND BOBS
Samir Nasri, whose ban for refreshing himself with an intravenous drip ends in December, is reportedly only a successful cough for the doctor away from becoming a West Ham player.
Red-hot backroom-staff transfer news alert! Liverpool have nabbed Manchester City’s head physio Lee Nobes, presumably in the hope that City hamstrings will start twanging left, right and centre when he does one to Anfield.
Chelsea’s Antonio Rüdiger is in a hot funk after being booked for hitting the deck when fun-sized Everton playmaker Bernard got all up in his grill. “[Bernard] was diving and I told him to stand up. Then he came with a lot of speed and hit me with his forehead, so for me to get a yellow card – to me that’s a joke,” honked the defender.
Arsenal’s players gave Danny Welbeck a call to cheer him up before their mood-dampening 1-1 draw with Wolves. “We had a FaceTime session with him … he looked very happy and I think he was happy to talk to us,” trilled goalkeeper Bernd Leno.
AFC Wimbledon have mutually consented Neal Ardley out of the door marked do one after a run of seven League One games without a win left them second bottom. “We thank him for the massive role he has played for us over the last six years and wish him well,” sniffed a club statement.
Not to be outdone, 18th-placed Shrewsbury have hoofed John Askey and his assistants, John Filan and George Pilkington, on to the jobs market. “Shrewsbury Town would like to place on record its thanks to John, John and George,” parped a club suit, making them sound like a badly organised Beatles tribute act.
And AIK are still partying like it’s 2009 after they won the Swedish league title for the first time since, erm, 2009. “It’s the sickest evening in my life, it’s completely wonderful,” yoofspeaked Robin Jansson, a defender who made horseshoes for a living seven months ago, and who scored the winning goal against Kalmar to seal the title.
STILL WANT MORE?
Der Klassiker was bloody brilliant – and proof that the Bundesliga is finally showing signs of life again, whoops Andy Brassell.
It’s highly likely Gonzalo Higuaín was listening to The Message by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five before Milan’s 2-0 defeat by Juve. Why? Because he was close to the edge, writes Paolo Bandini.
Lionel Messi is underrated, writes Sean Ingle, before ducking for cover.
Ten talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action. You had better savour them, because we’re heading into the deep, dark depths of an international break.
Manchester United’s midfield dogs of war yapped harmlessly at City’s ankles. Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson sticks the boot into José’s tactics.
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