FAREWELL YOU LIKEABLE BASTI
After the best part of a season mostly spent training on his own or with the youngsters at Manchester United, Bastian Schweinsteiger bade farewell to the club’s fans this morning as he announced he’s off to join Chicago Fire. The MLS franchise have announced they hope to benefit from his experience after finishing bottom of the soccerball standings in each of the past two seasons.
The German World Cup winner had previously drawn plaudits for his consistently cheery demeanour in the face of being outcast, ostracised and humiliated by José Mourinho, a consistently cheery demeanour that will almost certainly have driven the Manchester United manager to the brink of madness as he waited for a Teutonic tantrum that never came from a 32-year-old who was paid £200,000 per week this season to play so little football that his appearances in the sport sections of several newspapers invariably centred on his controversial habit of leaving his house to go shopping or eat food with his wife.
“I really wish I could have done more for you, but it was time to make a change,” said a beaming Schweinsteiger, who was signed by Louis van Gaal and subsequently played a significant role in the Dutchman’s sacking by playing well enough to help him win last season’s FA Cup. “I would also like to say thanks to the wonderful fans, the atmosphere, the great staff at the club and also my fellow players.” Schweinsteiger has signed a one-year deal worth $4.5m with the Fire, with the mutual option of another one if all goes well. “Throughout my career, I’ve always sought opportunities where I hoped to make a positive impact and to help make something great,” Schweinsteiger said in a statement via the club. “My move to Chicago Fire is no different.” It will certainly be no different to recent months, most of which were spent training with children boasting just a small fraction of his talent and an even smaller fraction of his wages.
“We know it’s going to take some time and adjustment for him coming to the new league, new coaching staff and everything,” said the Fire coach Veljko Paunovic of his club’s marquee signing. “We also know we can rely on his capacity to adapt and do that fast. He can produce actions that few players in the world can do. He sees things that nobody sees. He opens the eyes of the fans, where you can hear the people say: ‘Wow!’.”
In winning 121 caps and scoring 24 goals for Germany before retiring from international football last summer, Schweinsteiger was one of the biggest characters in a group of German players who somehow contrived to achieve major tournament success while simultaneously making their previously unpopular national football team likeable outside their own country. It was quite an achievement when you consider the total failure of their English counterparts, the fabled “golden generation”, to pull off even one of these feats. So farewell then, Basti – you came, you saw, you won the FA Cup. And while Mourinho might not have warmed to you, most of the rest of us did.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I was walking down the tunnel, [Tactics Tim] of Swindon Town approached me and said ‘You’re the only [eff]er in the ground that’s [eff]ing seen it you [eff]ing mug’. He then started pointing aggressively in my face. I told him to calm down and stop pointing at me or he would be sitting in the stands for the second half. He then continued ‘I wasn’t even in the dugout you [eff]ing mug, and you would be doing me a favour’. I told him I wanted to speak to him at my dressing room but he ignored me and walked off towards the Swindon changing room. I followed him and stood outside and told the coaching staff I wanted [Tactics Tim] to come outside as I needed to speak to him. After approximately 45 seconds [Tactics Tim] walked out and walked past me, and I informed him that he would be reported for his comments towards me. His reply was ‘[eff] off you mug’. I then entered my dressing room area and informed the stewards of my decision and that if [Tactics Tim] tried to come down into the technical area he should not be allowed” – referee Mark Brown on the fresh and funky verbal pelters with which he was peppered that led to Effing Tactics Tim receiving a two-match stadium ban.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Monday’s last line – I read the product blurb and watched the short video on the making of cufflinks using remnants of Alexis’s shirt. Has upcycling reached the Premier League now? If so, is it significant that Arsenal lead the charge?” – Sid McDonnell.
“Keith Hennigan may have been checking Big Paper articles to ensure references to the Chelsea Back Three Switch are all present and correct, but he’s either not been paying much attention to The Fiver or has got hold of the Wray and Nephew himself if he thinks The Man would put The Fiver in a position where it could sack anything” – Rhidian Williams.
“How absurd that the Arsenal shop should be selling Alexis Sánchez’s cufflinks for £100. Given his recent behaviour, they’d get a lot more for his spats” – Charles Antaki.
“Sometimes it is too easy to become engrossed in football and not pay any attention to what is going on in the wider world. Yesterday was World Happiness Day, Arsenal fans please note. And Norway has displaced Denmark at the top of the happiness league. Could it be because Nicklas Bendtner has moved to Rosenborg in Norway and so taking a large chunk of happiness with him? No, me neither” – Robert Darby.
“Seriously, would you just hurry up and give Noble Francis a bloody job? He already gets twice the column inches as Glendenning. We might get to find out what prompted Mr and Mrs Francis to name their son Noble. Also it will give the rest of us chumps a chance to have a letter published (my mum is waiting for something to hang on the wall). Muchos gracias!” – Len K.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Sid McDonnell (for bothering to watch that video).
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
BITS AND BOBS
Human sicknote-generator Phil Jones has excused himself from England duty instead of excusing a team-mate after knacking himself in training.
Olivier Giroud has endeared himself to miffed Arsenal fans by making Arsène Wenger sound like Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan on a carefree voyage of discovery. “We want Arsène Wenger to renew his contract, to continue his adventure, because we support him. We hope we can win the Cup and that Arsenal qualify for the [Big Cup],” he warbled to French TV.
Thibaut Cortois is going nowhere. “I don’t see myself at Real Madrid,” tooted the goalkeeper. “I see myself at Chelsea, the club that six years ago saw me playing in Belgium and gave me the opportunity to sign for them.”
Jamie Vardy said he has received death threats following Claudio Ranieri’s sacking at Leicester. “It’s happened plenty of times. It is terrifying,” the England striker said.
And Joachim Löw says Lukas Podolski will receive the perfect sendoff in his last international appearance, Germany’s 2-0 win over England tomorrow night. “For me it will be a beautiful moment but a sad one because he was one of the greatest players ever to come out of Germany,” he honked.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on … Germany v England and other business, including Gideon, Pep’s sartorial eye and Effing Tactics Tim.
It’s not going well for 2014’s Mario Götze, is the general gist of this fine Philip Oltermann piece.
Will Tottenham finally finish above Arsenal in the Premier League this year? wonders Martin Laurence, inviting trouble.
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson reckons Arsenal require major surgery whether Arsène Wenger stays or goes, so get your scalpels ready Gunners.
Women’s football needs to stand on its own, write Big Paper readers.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
