If you are a political journalist, party conference season has many downsides. The first is that it means time away from your loved ones, your hobbies, your own bed and fresh fruit. The second is the large amounts of time in which passers-by fail to recognise you, while discussing how much they enjoy the work of your colleagues and rivals. The third is when passers-by do recognise you, and have inevitably spotted flaws in your work.
One particularly grisly example of this occurred at a Liberal Democrat conference, where a woman stopped me to tell me she liked my work “apart from all the lying”. I was somewhat taken aback: as far as I can recall, I have hardly written about the Liberal Democrats at all this year, for reasons that should be fairly obvious. But it became clear she wasn’t talking about my weekday work, but this very column. It can’t possibly go as smoothly as all that, she said. (I must admit that “smoothly” is not a definition of my progress that my partner would recognise.)
So here, for you, Susan, is an entirely truthful and chronological account of my attempt to make Delia’s classic fresh tomato sauce:
1 “First, skin the tomatoes. To do this, pour boiling water over them and leave them for exactly one minute, or, if the tomatoes are small, 15 to 30 seconds.” If your kettle is perhaps nearing the end of its life and is not getting the water quite as hot as it once did, this recipe is a great way to find out.
2 New kettle purchased, I proceeded to step two: slipping the tomatoes off their skins. This is easy enough. “Chop half of them roughly”, and wonder if this stage might be escaped through a tin of chopped tomatoes. Having conducted a series of blind taste tests, I have good and bad news. The bad news is that Delia’s method produces a far better sauce, but the good news is that chopping the tomatoes is far and away the quickest part of the recipe.
3 “Next, heat the oil in a medium saucepan” – a task that even I, exhausted by the conference and fighting off a heavy cold, also caught at the Liberal Democrat conference, though not from Susan – accomplished on the first go. “Add the finely chopped onions and crushed garlic, then gently cook those for around five minutes.”
4 Realise that the recipe called for basil, not bay leaves. Swear. Ask your partner if they mind terribly going down to the shops to get some basil. Your partner, who by now has come down with your cold and is not feeling particularly well-disposed towards you, tells you where to go. You reason that the basil is probably not that important to the final product, and decide to crack on.
5 “Add the tomatoes, and leave to simmer on a low heat, without a lid, for around an hour and a half, until the tomatoes are reduced to a jam-like consistency.” At that point, chop and add the remaining tomatoes, as well as the basil leaves you forgot to buy. Fret about whether you’ve made a dreadful mistake. Pass the time thinking what, exactly, you are going to do with all those bay leaves you bought.
6 Serve over pasta. Realise that the basil was quite important after all. Swear and start again.
The resulting tomato sauce will be delicious – and that, Susan, is nothing but the truth.
- Stephen’s task is to cook his way through Delia’s Complete How To Cook (BBC Books, £40) in a year. You can watch Delia Smith’s free Online Cookery School videos at deliaonline.com; @deliaonline
- Stephen Bush is a writer and columnist for the New Statesman @stephenkb
