BARELY A NIBBLE FOR LVG
Itchy. Pinky and the Brain. Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Mortimer Mouse. Jerry Mouse. Danger Mouse. Mighty Mouse. The Biker Mice from Mars. The Fiver didn’t get where it is today padding out the opening paragraph of its tea-timely football email with lists of mice who made their names entertaining the slack-jawed masses, but today we’re prepared to make an exception. We feel it’s necessary to provide some idea of the exalted showbiz circles in which the latest celebrity rodent to be inducted to this Mouse Hall of Fame now finds itself. A lone pitch invader caught on camera during Saturday’s hideously dreary match between Manchester United and Southampton, Old Trafford Mouse’s encroachment on the pitch to add a much-needed injection of pace threatened to be the only interesting thing that happened until Charlie Austin stepped up to score a late winner and steal its thunder.
While seeing his team get beaten at home by a side managed by one of his most hated foes will have rankled with Louis van Gaal, and being subjected to a deafening chorus of boos from United’s fans almost certainly won’t have leavened his mood, The Fiver can’t help but feel that returning to the dressing room to discover the latest in a long line of moribund performances from his team had been completely upstaged by the ill-advised scuttle of a mouse may well have constituted a career nadir from which there will be no return.
With Van Gaal at home in the Netherlands to act as the life and soul at his daughter’s birthday party, it has been left to others to speculate about the future of a man whose apologetic post-match comments suggests he knows his Manchester United jig might be up. Reflecting on United’s latest poor showing on his blog, introspection’s Juan Mata wasn’t pulling any punches. “It’s another tough moment, for you and for us,” he declared, in an address that sounded something like a Tory front-bencher might say after announcing another round of austerity cuts. “But we must get through this. I understand your frustration, because we feel the same way, but we have to carry on.”
Meanwhile, Manchester United suit Ed Woodward is reported to have canvassed senior players to see if he’s going to have to fire his second manager in less than two years, while Trafford council inspectors who accused Manchester United of neglecting certain responsibilities last August are understood to be monitoring the situation with interest.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We were not lucky at all. I don’t just mean the two calls for handball, there was the chance for Seamus Coleman right at the end that could have changed the result” –after overseeing his team’s latest failure that wasn’t down to him, Bobby M is struggling to work out the difference between fortune and incompetence. Oh, lord, Bobby M’s hot plate! He only had two payments left.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: the revelation that Joe Cole’s dad not only goes to all his games, but drives him the 200-odd miles to and from training in Coventry as well (Friday’s Bits and Bobs). I just hope this serves as a warning to all those never-miss-a-match, sweary sideline shouters about the negative effects of hot-house parenting on a young lad’s career” – Justin Kavanagh.
“Re: Víctor Valdés’s thank you to all at Old Trafford for the ‘hand wonk’ [easy – Fiver Ed], as it appears in his choice of font. Is this story too well known to be repeated? Probably against his better judgment, military disciplinarian Sir Alf Ramsey picks mercurial talent Rodney Marsh for the England starting XI. ‘If you don’t work harder I’ll pull you off at half-time,’ says Sir Alf. ‘Crikey, Alf,’ Marsh replies, ‘at Manchester City all we get is an orange and a cup of tea’. It’s believed that this explains why he only got nine caps” – Simon Cherry.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Simon Cherry, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and his pod squad for the latest instalment of Football Weekly.
BITS AND BOBS
Ramires thought love was just a fabrication. A train that wouldn’t stop at his station … but stop it has, with Chinese moneybags Jiangsu Suning ready to part with £20m for the Chelsea man’s services.
Romania coach Anghel Iordanescu is feeling properly funky after Steaua Bucharest refused to release more than three of their six players called up for their training camp and unofficial friendlies. “All or none,” he roared. “Steaua’s decision is not fair play. We have to respect the national team, who will compete at [Euro 2016].”
Fifa presidential hopeful Sheikh Salman bin Ebrahim al-Khalifa, mired in controversy after human rights campaigners raised concerns over his role in crushing 2011 pro-democracy protests in Bahrain, wants Lord Ferg and Richard Scudamore on his team if he wins the election. “They have the experience and the personality, everybody respects them and the work they have done,” he cheered.
Even with his glasses smashed, Jürgen Klopp can see Liverpool’s defence is a shambles. “I am sorry to say it is not a problem we can ignore,” he trilled after watching his team drag Norwich’s back-line down to their level in Saturday’s 5-4 win.
Fun and games in South America dept.
And nawty Crystal Palace forward Connor Wickham faces a retrospective three-match ban after being charged with violent conduct for elbowing Spurs’ Jan Vertonghen.
STILL WANT MORE?
Sean Ingle’s fascinating latest column references this trip down memory lane, so get reading.
The Fiver, foolishly, thought it would be clever and started reading up on Euler’s Identity and the Gaussian Integral in a bid to find a neat SWM on the weekend Premier League talking points. We lost our way, but here you go anyway.
“When he’s bad he’s good. But when he’s horrid, well, he’s even better” – Barney Ronay on Diego Costa and Chelsea’s win at Arsenal.
After the flood, a small miracle on the pitch. Kevin McKenna visits Brunton Park after the rebirth of Carlisle’s community spirit.
“A weekend that might have seen them close the gap has instead seen it open” – Sid Lowe watches Real Madrid lose more ground in the Spanish title race.
Is it time for Axeman Ed to put Louis van Gaal out of his Old Trafford misery, muses Jamie Jackson.
And it’s not football, but do read this from David Hartrick on Alex Higgins.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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