NOM NOM NOM
Oh, José. You just couldn’t resist, could you? To be fair, we’ve all been there. There is, for example, a feeling that most adults in the developed world must by now have experienced which occurs when, shortly before their anticipated bedtime, they find themselves idly flicking through their available TV channels, notice that The Shawshank Redemption has just started on ITV Lifestyle Men & Motors 38, decide that they might just watch 10 minutes or so, and the next thing they know it’s 2.30am and they’re watching Andy Dufresne polish a boat. There are some temptations which we are not culturally or genetically capable of resisting, and this is one. You might have others that are particular to you, things you don’t so much choose to do as are unable to not do: the cracking of one’s knuckles, the casual digital exploration of the nasal cavity, the repeated and unnecessary insulting of one’s contemporaries, that kind of thing.
José Mourinho is only human, a bundle of cells and synapses that react to certain stimuli in predictable ways. In his case, very predicable ways. And the thing that really gets him going, without exception triggering massive and uncontrollable aggressive chuntering, is imminent encounters with Arsène Wenger.
Prior to tomorrow’s meeting between Mourinho’s Manchester United and Wenger’s Arsenal, the Portuguese man o’hate has let rip once again. “The record against any other manager being good or bad is not important to me,” he fibbed. “The only thing that matters is what you get as a team. And in the Premier League tomorrow is a match between the two managers with the best record in the Premier League. Between the two managers we are speaking about I think [he knows] six or seven [six] Premier League titles, I’m not sure [he is sure]. I have three I think [he knows] and Mr Wenger has three [see, he knew]. Does that mean we should be respective even in periods when our results are not the best? I think Mr Wenger has that respect from all of you. I don’t think I have. My last Premier League title was 18 months ago not 18 years ago [Wenger’s is only 12 and a half years back, to be fair]. I don’t think I get that respect. But to be honest, I just follow my way.”
This must all be very upsetting for poor Arsène, who, before Mourinho came along, was the undisputed No1 continental-born manager in Premier League history. Mourinho took that title from him and replaced it with another, describing him in 2014 as “a specialist in failure”. Then Mourinho proved how able and successful he was by taking that title off the hapless Frenchman too, achieving failure on a scale Wenger has never approached or even imagined.
And now Mourinho stands alone as the most failure-stained, success-laden dugout-occupant in the land, a ball of exaggerated pride and inexplicable fury, a man who believes managers who have been successful deserve respect while simultaneously refusing to respect managers who have been successful, a man who is endlessly irritated by the swagger of a once-successful man whose results no longer match his reputation, but can’t for the life of him understand why anyone might have any kind of problem with himself.
Still, it all sets up tomorrow’s game rather nicely. Sure, it’s likely to end in an irksome and ill-tempered post-match interview with either this manager or the other one, but then that’s part of why we love it so. And if it’s a happy ending you’re after, the Fiver can always suggest a decent movie.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s not every day you’re walking out on to a football pitch, look up and there’s a massive eagle swooping down at you” – Eden Hazard sits down for an exclusive chit-chat with Dominic Fifield.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: this business with Wayne ‘Party Boy’ Rooney having a few vinos and tinkling the ivories in the wee hours of the morning - if it’s a proper scandal we really shouldn’t have to remind anyone that the press always attach the obligatory “-gate” suffix [See SWMs - Fiver Ed]. No gate, no problem - can everyone calm down now?” – Ciaran Neeson.
“So Rooney is being castigated for his shenanigans at a Hertfordshire hotel. In the meantime, Klopp is saying that ‘All the legends drank like devils and smoke like crazy’. How could those two statements possibly be related? – Marisa Cardoni.
“It’s often said that footballers these days are out of touch with the fans, and the latest Wayne Rooney episode only serves to highlight this. I’m the same age as Rooney and when I go out I can’t make it beyond half ten without falling asleep, being thrown out of the pub & being sick in a taxi” – Gary Mantle.
“It was clever of you Brits to have a vote that effectively devalued the pound, ensuring that the Manchester United debt load is slightly higher than it otherwise would be. But we yanks just had our own vote that will surely result in devaluing the dollar to levels barely dreamt of on your side of the pond. So, check and mate” – Christopher Smith.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Marisa Cardoni, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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BITS AND BOBS
Two former professional footballers have independently told the Guardian about another person within the sport who had links to the serial paedophile Barry Bennell and preyed on boys without ever being detected.
Pep Guardiola has had his say on Rooney-gate. “I was lucky there were no pictures. I won’t comment on the private lives of others because I don’t like it when people comment on my private life, but when I was an international I sometimes had a drink,” he commented.
Gareth Southgatge will be asked where he sees himself in five years during Monday’s job interview for the permanent England role. “Gareth is a really strong candidate and clearly, after the last four games, his candidacy has become much stronger,” cheered FA suit Martin Glenn.
Purple Tin is not a problem in Fiver Towers football, according to Arsène Wenger.
Lee Cattermole hip gah, right here.
The coffers at Premier League HQ have just got £564m bigger after the Best League in The World™ signed a record three-year contract with Chinese digital broadcaster PPTV.
Sporting Gijon have been ordered to partially close one of their stands after alleged racist abuse directed at Athletic Bilbao’s Iñaki Williams in August.
CSKA Moscow midfielder Roman Eremenko has been given a two-year ban for testing positive for cocaine after a Champions League match.
Gianni Infantino has had another bright idea to ease fixture congestion: proposing the expansion of the Club World Cup to 32 teams for 2019.
Robbie Keane has called time on his LA Galaxy career but is not hanging up his soccer cleats for good just yet. “Winning three MLS Cups, scoring over 100 goals for the club and being named as 2014 MVP are all achievements that I will look back on with pride,” he trumpeted.
Two supporters have been handed banning orders following crowd trouble at the London Stadium in the Rumbelows Cup tie between West Ham and Chelsea.
Liverpool are waiting to discover the results of a scan on Philippe Coutinho’s minor hamstring twang before deciding whether he will play at Southampton on Saturday.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten (10!) things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend, including a possible sighting of the lesser spotted Saido Berahino.
Fans of liberally-applied facepaint, see here for Barney Ronay’s column on the woes of China and Qatar.
Jonathan Wilson gets all hot under the collar whenever he sees Michael Carrick, and he wants to tell you why.
From Luis Suárez’s dastardly deed against Ghana to Steven Taylor’s ridiculous attempt to pretend he had been winded, this week’s Joy of Six puts the spotlight on nefarious goal-line handballs.
Andy Woodward’s harrowing story of abuse by Barry Bennell will force football to assess whether it’s equipped to face its past, writes Owen Gibson.
Louise Taylor had a chat with Sunderland’s California-raised, surf-mad Lynden Gooch about living in England’s north-east and found out he quite likes it there.
Which is a good job, really, because US soccer is dripping in mediocrity, according to Matthew Hall.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
