Time for a Christmas column, no? Well, you’re getting one anyway. At least, it’s on the subject of presents that mothers at this time of year have already started to buy, if they haven’t finished already (fathers usually leave it until Christmas Eve afternoon).
So prepare yourself for A Brief History of Really Atrocious Christmas Presents – Warning: this column contains no reflection, moral rumination or defining conclusions.
Some of you may remember a sketch on Saturday Night Live which featured Dan Aykroyd as toy-maker Irwin Mainway, challenged on Consumer Probe for distributing such dubious toys as the Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing set, Mr Skin Grafter, General Tron’s Secret Police Confession Kit and a doll called Johnny Switchblade. My particular favourite was Bag o’ Glass – a bag of jagged glass shards. This spoof wasn’t as exaggerated as you might think.
For instance, the Secret Police Confession Kit was not a million miles from Playmobil’s Airport Security Check In which featured plastic staff checking plastic travellers for plastic explosives through a metal detector. And is Johnny Switchblade any more bizarre than Kaba Kick, a plastic Russian Roulette Game in which you get to shoot yourself with a one in six chance of mock-self slaughter?
You think that’s weird? It’s just the beginning. The Homeless American Girl doll from 1986 featured a winsome little character called Gwen Thompson who lived with her mother in a car. This proved strangely unpopular – it was withdrawn after a few weeks – but rumour has it that the makers, the American Doll Company, are considering marketing Sayeeda the Refugee in a sinking plastic boat. Great for angry Middle England bath-time fun.
The Preemie Cabbage Patch dolls, which celebrate premature births by producing undersized and slightly oddly shaped Cabbage Patch Dolls, are simply weird. Likewise the Composting Teddy Bear, which, after the little tyke is bored with it, can be freaked out by it instead when it’s put in the compost to rot way, leaving just a pair of staring glass eyes.
If these are bizarre, there are others that are plain offensive. Toy makers, it turns out, can be remarkably ham-fisted when it comes to issues of race. Can you believe that there was a sock monkey of Barack Obama? The makers claimed that the figure transcended race. Or how about a black baby from the people at Costco holding a banana and wearing a Lil’ Monkey hat (I’m not making this up.) Or Oreo Barbie (they came in black and white versions).
And if it’s sexism you want, the My Cleaning Trolley (for girls, naturally) takes the prize every time.
The Simply Revolting award is won by Poopy-Time Fun Shapes, which is hard to believe but appears to actually exist unless someone has done a remarkable mock-up of a 1970s toy box. I won’t go into details other than to say that it involves what I can only describe as a butt-tube, with shapes like stars and hearts coming out of, um, the other end. Frankly, it makes its rivals Moxie Girlz Poopsy Pets, which feature cats, rabbits and a pony that really shits (albeit projectiles decorated with glitter and rainbows) look relatively tasteful.
So that’s my Christmas list done, then. Let’s get back to the real world of sensible presents. Like Bratz Selfie Snaps dolls, which is what it sounds like, or the Barbie Colour Change Handbag, which matches itself with every outfit. On sale now. Really. Get ’em before they’re discontinued.
