ALISSON WONDERLAND
Chris Rock once said that men are only as faithful as their options. Similarly, football managers generally only get morally huffy about the disgraceful and distorting amounts of money in the game when they don’t have any money themselves. Or at least when the teams they’re supposed to be competing against have more money than them. So we can’t really be too critical of Jürgen Klopp for saying, when belts were a little tighter at Anfield a few years ago: “Other clubs can go out and spend more money and collect top players, yes … Do I have to do it differently to that? Actually, I want to do it differently. I would even do it differently if I could spend that money … You can’t say at the end: ‘Only 11 best players will play together and let’s see what happens.’ The day that this is football, I’m not in a job any more.”
Of course, Jürgen still very much is in a job, despite his Liverpool side having stumped up the thick end of £150m this summer, what with the purchase of unsettlingly handsome goalkeeper Alisson going through for a sum of £66.9m, which should really be eye-watering if we weren’t now entirely numbed to these figures. It would of course have been pretty funny if, upon being told by the Anfield brass that there’s a colossal silo of cash that needs spending, Jürgen had said: “No. I will not spend that cash. Because if I do, an unfunny tea-timely email that whiffs very definitely of Tin might accuse me of mild hypocrisy for something I said two years ago.” Funny, but entirely unrealistic and hilariously self-defeating too.
While suffering such a skewering will undoubtedly prove a significant blow, Klopp will be comforted by the knowledge that he’s got a bloke in nets who can be relied upon to catch the ball. Po’ Loris Karius’s days look to be entirely numbered, the friendly arm of comfort wrapped around his shoulders not enough to magic away the unfortunate but unmistakable stench left by Big Cup final. And chucking one in during a pre-season friendly. Oh, and that video presumably designed to show he was living his best life in LA and shakin’ off the haters, but ultimately just portrayed him as a ping-pong playing plonker. Cue the remix.
Luckily for him he’ll presumably now be spared the merciless mocking of famously sensitive Premier League crowds. Alisson, conversely, will be under absolutely no pressure, as his only tasks are living up to being the world’s most expensive goalkeeper, reliably filling the most glaring weakness in the Liverpool team and playing behind Dejan Lovren*. Piece of cake. As Elvis Costello once sang: “Alison … I know this world is killing you …”
*You might think The Fiver should be above blithely mocking a man who’s just played in the World Cup final. Clearly, you have not read The Fiver before.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
6 July: “I can no longer tolerate the chairman and don’t want to work for him … I can’t continue to work in this environment any more … The breakdown in the relationship is the crux of the matter and that all leads back to one person. I just don’t want to work for him any more and need a change” – Windsor FC manager Mick Woodham says he cannot work with chairman Kevin Stott any longer and does one.
18 July: “I think a bit of pressure had built up on Mick toward the end of last season and sometimes you lose a bit of perspective” – Stott begs to differ and reappoints Woodham.
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BITS AND BOBS
Gary Neville is not a fan of the FA’s plan to sell off Wembley, calling it a “short-term plan we’ll regret forever”. Speaking at a DCMS committee hearing, Neville labelled talk of a dividend for grassroots football “nonsense and completely ridiculous”.
Maurizio Sarri says he was “heartbroken” to leave Napoli. “I love the people there and I will always love them,” he sniffed at his Chelsea unveiling. “If we parted on bad terms with the club, then I think mistakes were made on both sides.”
$tevie Mbe was less than impressed with his strikers after the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers limped to a 2-0 aggregate win in Big Vase qualifying. “There is certainly a hell of a lot of work to,” he murmured after the goalless second-leg draw with Macedonia’s FK Shkupi.
The UK’s advertising watchdog is looking into complaints over gambling ads, which you may have noticed if you watched any of the World Cup.
José Mourinho has given it up for Daley Blind after the defender returned to Ajax. “Daley is one of the most professional players, both on and off the pitch, that I have had the pleasure to work with,” he cooed.
Book publishers have just a few days to grasp the fading World Cup fever, with a slew of England tomes in the pipeline. Look out for England’s Heroes: A Tribute to Our Young Lions, due out in time for the Community Shield.
Santi Cazorla has returned from his nightmare 15-month knack lay-off, taking the field for Villarreal in a pre-season friendly against Hércules.
And World Cup silly season has begun! Roma fancy Sweden keeper Robin Olsen to replace Alisson, Bournemouth are in talks for Colombia’s Jefferson Lerma, and Everton apparently think signing Adnan Januzaj is a good idea.
STILL WANT MORE?
The 30 best pictures from Ethics 2018, as chosen by Jonny Weeks.
Marcel Desailly parties with the France squad and then explains how they won the World Cup.
Ten players whose transfer values surged at the World Cup.
Who has won the World Cup and Big Cup in the same year? The Knowledge has the answer.
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