IN BELGIUM
It is Wednesday. Yesterday it was Tuesday, but today it is Wednesday. Tomorrow it will be Thursday, but today it is Wednesday. Wednesday is a day of the week. A week contains seven days. Days consist of 24 hours. Hours are made up of 60 minutes. Minutes are made up of 60 seconds. The Fiver could go on. The Fiver will go on. The Fiver has your attention now. There is no escape. You will continue reading. You might not want to read, but you will read. You have to read. You have no choice. It is Wednesday. Tomorrow it will be Thursday, but today it is Wednesday. Wednesday is a day of the week. A week contains seven days. Days consist of 24 hours. Hours are made up of 60 minutes. Minutes are made up of 60 seconds. The Fiver could go on. But it is arriving at its central point now, and not a moment too soon. At 7.45pm British “Summer” Time, the second leg of Manchester United’s Big Cup qualifier against Club Brugge will begin. Watching the monotony of Manchester United’s football will be much like reading this paragraph.
Manchester United are a football club. They play football and once upon a time it was good to watch, but not now, they’re pretty boring now, which is funny because everyone lost the run of themselves when Louis van Gaal got the job. He was going to be really exciting, see, but it doesn’t seem like he’s very exciting at the moment. His football is dull, because Manchester United just do lots of sideways passing and only Memphis Depay is allowed to run and it takes an age before anyone tries to achieve something of any significance. Football is usually entertaining. The aim is trying to kick the ball inside a big rectangular net and you try to do that as much as possible, unless your name is Manchester United. If your name is Manchester United, it’s all about endless sideways passing that goes nowhere, until maybe someone thinks about trying to beat a defender, before eventually deciding against it, checking back and starting again, rather like this sentence actually, you thought this sentence was over, but it’s not, on and on it goes, a full stop an increasingly unlikely outcome unless The Man seizes control of the keyboard and
.
To be fair to them, Manchester United did manage three goals against Brugge last week and that was fun, their fans liked that. Brugge only did that once last week, so United won 3-1. That was good, but it’s been more of a struggle on the home front. Manchester United have only managed two goals in their first three games and Wayne Rooney hasn’t scored since 1973, which is why you’ll probably be waking up at around 9.30pm British “Summer” Time, having dozed off at roughly 7.53pm British “Summer” Time, disgusted by the sight of Juan Mata cutting inside from the right flank 27 times in the first eight minutes. You won’t be missing anything. Just lots of precise, careful, beige passing and the subtlety of the winning goal bouncing in off Marouane Fellaini’s bonce. That’s the grand tactical plan there, a big Belgian elbow making a right nuisance of himself up front, all for £300m.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We were not even close to the level we can be at. We looked very uncomfortable on the ball. We didn’t want the ball and looked very frightened and scared out there. That’s very, very disappointing. It was not like one player here or one player there, it was a team performance which was not at the level we can expect in these games. We lose and win together. This is my responsibility. This team was not up to the level we can be and I am part of that. I am the leader of this team. There is some very hard learning” – Queen’s Celtic manager Ronny Deila on getting another Artmediaing from Malmo in Big Cup.
FIVER LETTERS
“Oh, the Queen’s Celtic! Oh, Glasgow! Oh, Scotland!” – JJ Zucal.
“Re: Carra’s new word (yesterday’s Fiver). Maybe he’s just been watching Zoolander recently? There were times in his playing career when he also seemed to struggle to turn left. And right, now that I think about it” – Duncan Dyer.
“Re: the Japanese Club World Cup logo that Jim Hearson brought to our attention (yesterday’s Fiver letters). It wasn’t the hollowed-out volcano at the bottom that got me, it was the lobster tails at the top that really gave it away. Pictures. A thousand words” – Grant McPhee.
“Jim Hearson’s disclosure leads me to consider the case for a remake of the film, You Only Live Twice. James Bond, leading a crack team of Uefa ninjas, swarming down ropes into the volcanic lair with the intention of eradicating a [Snip – Fiver Lawyers] works for me on several levels. Escape to Victory, pah!” – Ian Tasker.
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BITS AND BOBS
Enner Valencia isn’t best chuffed with the West Ham quacks and has threatened to sneak abroad for treatment on his long-term knack. “I don’t understand why West Ham doctors are doing this to me,” he fumed. “I think I will have to ask a doctor to see me behind their backs. I have been thinking about going to an airport and getting out of London.” Mind, after a full and frank discussion, Valencia’s now released a statement on the Hammers’ website, in between it plugging abject films and Andy Carroll’s Green Street Goals. “It has been a frustrating time,” he parped.
Union Berlin fans are planning another 15-minute silence at the start of Friday’s home game against RB Leipzig, in protest at their backing by an energy drink. “We will fight for the preservation of football culture for as long as possible,” sniffed Union fan group Scene Koepenick. “Pure marketing instruments like RasenBallsport will never be part of that culture.”
Milan are set to insert clauses into Mario Balotelli’s contract which will commit him to a healthy lifestyle and ban extravagant haircuts and clothing. One rule for Mario, one for Philippe Mexes, you say?
Besiktas president Fikret Orman reckons Liverpool aren’t going to sell Lucas Leiva after all. “The transfer can only go ahead with their say so there is nothing we can do right now,” he howled.
Norwich City boss Alex Neil reckons Bournemouth are trying to sign Canaries striker Lewis Grabban on the cheap. “The bids that we have are nowhere near the valuation of the player. I don’t have any issue with any players. He might have an issue but I will quickly fix it,” roared Neil.
Fun times in Coca-Cola Cup third round.
And John Still has criticised fans for getting on Scott Griffiths’ back after the Luton player capped an unconvincing run of form by missing the decisive penalty in Tuesday’s shoot-out with Stoke. “He’s started slow this year – and some people criticise. It hurts me, it’s such narrow-mindedness,” sniffed Still. “If it was your son who was having a difficult time, would you shout and holler at him, or encourage him to get back to where he was?”
STILL WANT MORE?
Marina Hyde on Jermain Defoe’s PA job advert, “pretty much a victimless crime – if not a future Anne Hathaway movie”.
This week’s Knowledge remembers Aalborg v Brondby: the match that lasted six months and five days.
Ewan Murray on the Queen’s Celtic.
Barney Ronay has some nice words for Liverpool fans about their team at present.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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