As parties go, the house party is a complicated beast. It’s everyone’s favourite party – “house” rates just before “birthday” and “leaving” and many places before “Tory” and “search”, but is nonetheless a daunting proposition for the host. Following news that Hideto Takahashi has set up the Home Party Association Japan in order to bring the American house party experience to his compatriots, here’s a guide to throwing a great British house party.
Invitations
The days of paper invites – or card, if you’ve got a decent Vistaprint discount code – have gone and Facebook is king. But set your “event” too early and you risk coming across as a desperate loser with something sinister planned for the attendees, and too late will mean that everyone has already made plans (a fortnight before the date feels like the sweet spot). And tell everyone to arrive two hours before you actually want them there.
Food
All too often vol-au-vent hubris (“I’ve bought so many mini-quiches they won’t know what’s hit ‘em!”) is swiftly followed by an extreme bout of vol-au-vent paranoia (“My beer to crisp ratio is all wrong”). Two things to remember: delicious though they are, skip the garlicky snacks, and double down on the Doritos.
Drinks
Buy enough mixers to risk a serious diabetic incident, and beers that are nice but not too posh (save for a few – see below), ditto spirits. Believe that people will raid your cupboards for anything above Red Stripe and Smirnoff, but save the good stuff by hiding it in your wardrobe, to be used only for end of the night showing off. Also, a strict no red wine policy is a must because you can’t trust anyone around carpets, clothes or sheets.
Rooms
You need to focus on which areas of the house you’re going to clean before the party (bathroom, kitchen) and which to simply bomb-proof (literally everywhere else). And then there’s where to stuff your assorted guests. Leave the safe, chatty ones in the front room (they’re trustworthy and right by the window, which will make your party look way more packed) and keep all the, ahem, notoriously merry guests in the kitchen. Screaming pissheads sloshing drink everywhere are a real headache near lovely sofas – your prized mustard Belgian linen three-seat will be the first to fall – but far less so in the wipedown haven of a kitchen. The bedroom is off-limits to everyone but you and your best friend who needs to just pop in there for five minutes, tops, to call his apoplectic other half while he snorts a few lines off your new Taschen book on jazz.
Banter
You’ve invited the neighbours so that they won’t kick off about the noise; give them a few posh beers – IPAs and comes-with-a-story craft beers at the ready – and mindless chat about the parking zones in your street. For everyone else there’s only one topic off limits: politics. Nobody wants to talk about Brexit, and even fewer people want to hear about it soundtracked by the tinny synths of your brother-in-law’s iPod Classic.
Smoking
Either you allow your house to smell like an ashtray for the next week or you sacrifice half the party to your garden, if you’re lucky enough to have one. Or more precisely, that step between the garden door and the garden proper – where the patio grouting is, unfortunately, prone to stuffing with cig-butts. If you have no outside space or a balcony, be prepared to collect those butts from your neighbour’s property early the next morning. .
Music
Select a Spotify playlist that moves with the narrative of your party. Sure, open with Kaytranada’s new album but make sure you’re into Adele/big-ballad/yacht rock territory by around 3am. Throw “New York, New York” in there for your auntie who told you she’d be leaving at 9.30 – she’ll want to scream along to it later.
Drugs
You’ll probably need to accept that there will be a 90-minute period when half of your party is consumed in a heated discussion of nearest ATMs, mental mathematics and tasting notes. Grease these wheels by leaving directions to the high street lying around, put a single calculator in the bathroom and invest in a nice brass lock for your bedroom door.
