Heineken’s new ad is remarkable, in that it may be the first in history where the final shot is of the product it’s trying to sell being actively rejected. Unfortunately, everything else in it is depressingly familiar. The set-up: various telegenic women belt out “I need a hero” as they walk out on various drunk men in nightclubs and nightbuses. At the end, a guy – the “hero” they spoke of – turns down a small bottle of Heineken. I know, what a guy! The barmaid serving him is utterly transfixed as if to say: “A man who isn’t a half-asleep wino? This is the sexiest thing since Tom Jones’s musty gusset.” The ad may try to look super modern and enlightened by taking the point of view of empowered-looking women but, make no mistake, the message here, as always, is: “Lads, do this and get fit birds.”
The reason this saviour of womankind turns down a drink at the end is because of the company’s new “drinking-in-moderation-is-cool” campaign. Which, for a company reliant on people doing just the opposite, is an admirable stance to take. There’s just one problem: drinking in moderation isn’t cool. It may be wise, it may be good for you but, unfortunately, it’s also sensible. And sensible will never be cool. Drinking in moderation is something Alan Titchmarsh would do. Alan Titchmarsh is not cool. The coolest thing Alan Titchmarsh has ever done is to teach Carol Smillie to smear excrement on some chrysanthemums. Probably. Keith Richards is cool. And if you ever saw Keith Richards turn down a small bottle of beer because it was one too many, you’d be so depressed you’d immediately take to the drink.
