HALL AND VOTES
Following a week in which managers, players, pundits and fans the length and breadth of the country showed their utter contempt for what they viewed as the attempted Americanisation of football, the Premier League probably could have picked a better moment to announce the names of the first two inductees to its new USA! USA!! USA!!!-inspired Hall of Fame.
Having decided Steve Froggatt’s opening goal in a September 1992 rout of Crystal Palace wasn’t enough to merit the former Aston Villa winger’s inclusion, those tasked with picking the first pair of inductees went for more high-profile names. And few could question the credentials of Thierry Henry or Alan Shearer, the former Newcastle striker delights in reminding viewers about them whenever the opportunity presents itself on Match of the Day. The once prolific pair of net-busters were due to be interviewed on Sky Sports later on Monday by Kelly Cates, whereupon a very, very long shortlist of 23 additional nominees will be announced … whereupon fans will be invited to cast their votes and help select the remaining six inductees for 2021. Given the potential for Tory-, Brexit- or Boaty McBoatface-related tomfoolery when entrusting the British public with any decision of importance, it remains unclear exactly how much “help” that will be.
If nothing else, the presence of a very, very long shortlist ought to ensure Cates’s next Hall of Fame-related sit-down won’t be with a Sunderland-based beachball, a set of grey Manchester United shirts, a statue of Michael Jackson, Southampton legend Ali Dia, Sly Stallone in Everton kit and a large purple adult toy last spotted penetrating the ear of a poor reporter outside the Toffees’ Finch Farm.
“If you asked me at the start of my career about entering the Hall of Fame, I wouldn’t have believed you,” tooted Henry, presumably on the grounds that he played a sport that didn’t actually have one. It’s an amazing honour.” Shearer was similarly humbled: “When you look at some of the unbelievable players to have graced the Premier League – week in, week out, year in, year out – I feel very honoured to join the Hall of Fame. I have to thank all my teammates, as well as the managers and coaches that I’ve worked with.” Should this publicity-generating wheeze become a success, The Fiver would like to suggest a similar roll of honour for the top flight’s most celebrated referees, assistant referees, fourth officials and Stockley Park jobsworths. Working title: the Premier League Hall of Blame.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ve never seen anything like it. We had basically taken our kit off” – Sevilla’s Lucas Ocampos picks his jaw off the floor after being told by referee Ricardo de Burgos that he and his teammates would have to return to the pitch to play out the final minute of his side’s 2-1 victory over Granada, due to some spectacularly bad timekeeping. Sid Lowe, of course, has more.
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Football Weekly is fresh out of the box.
FIVER LETTER
“A slightly delayed answer to your call for stories from former referees (Fiver letters passim). Growing up, my father was a referee for local non-league clubs, so Saturday afternoons were often spent following him to his allotted match and spending the next 90 minutes denying that I’d arrived with, or knew, the referee. One weekend, a player’s wife had spent 40 minutes of the first half loudly berating my dad, opposition players and anyone else in earshot. He took umbrage at one particular piece of dissent, blew the whistle to stop play and wandered over to where she was stood. He asked, loudly enough for all to hear, if she wouldn’t mind keeping it down a touch as the players were struggling to hear the whistle. Cue 21 players falling to the floor in laughter, her husband struggling to contain his laughter and not knowing where to look, and me left trying to hide myself in the nearest bush at the embarrassment. It was a peaceful second half” – James Whetherly.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … James Whetherly.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Manchester City’s Kyle Walker has shared a screenshot of racist abuse he received after Sunday’s 1-0 win over Tottenham Hotspur in the Carabao Cup final and asked: “When is this going to stop?” Clubs and professional football organisations in England will boycott social media from Friday 30 April to 11.59pm on Monday 3 May.
It’s been another big weekend in No 10.
Eric Dier reckons Spurs were always going to blow a Milk Cup final gasket after being squeezed into a corner by 1-0 winners Manchester City. “They pressure and pressure and pressure you into making mistakes,” he gasped. “Sustained pressure does that.”
Good news for Arsenal fans: Spotify owner Daniel Ek is preparing a bid to buy the club with assistance from Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp and Patrick Vieira. Bad news for Arsenal players: they’ll only get £0.0000000000003 for every game they play.
Watford are the latest team in yellow to bounce straight back to the Premier League. “It is an amazing moment, and it is the moment to say thank you to everyone who has helped me and the players,” whooped mystery manager Xisco Muñoz, who you can read all about here.
St Johnstone keeper Zander Clarke is still revelling in pulling off a string of saves, setting up an extra-time equaliser and then making two penalty stops in the shoot-out to stun the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers in their Scottish Cup clash. “It’s up to the keepers to try and help the boys out and save a couple,” he cheered. “Thankfully I have done that.”
The newly-opened Insult Added to Knack in South America Dept.
El gol más extraño que verás esta semana. 👀
— Once FUTVE (Cuenta Alterna) (@11Futve) April 22, 2021
¿Cuál es tu opinión? pic.twitter.com/H0PwvgA3In
And Football Australia has condemned the conduct of fans involved in a flamin’ crate-throwing brawl which forced riot police to intervene during the National Premier League NSW game between Rockdale Ilinden and Sydney United. “[We] will continue to work with NSW Police and Football New South Wales to identify the individuals involved in the deplorable scenes,” it sniffed.
A football match between Sydney United and Rockdale Ilinden has descended into a violent brawl - prompting Police to call in the riot squad. @gracefitz_9 #9News pic.twitter.com/NAAl5RN8th
— 9News Sydney (@9NewsSyd) April 26, 2021
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten talking points from the weekend’s action in the Premier League and Rumbelows Cup. Get them before they need reheating in the microwave.
There were gurgles, gasps and howls as Weird Uncle Fiver’s Zumba class resumed as real-life fans celebrated Manchester City’s Carling Cup final win over Spurs at Wembley, writes Barney Ronay.
Tottenham are going downhill faster than Lindsey Vonn; only six new players and a top, top manager can slow them, writes floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Come get your WSL weekend review, from Rachel Brown-Finnis.
Breakaway leagues in football have been around for donkey’s years, notes Simon Burnton, who takes us back as far as 1888 to hammer home his point.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
