Back in the ’90s, 7th Heaven was one of the most successful sitcoms on television. Admittedly, the series was an absolute fever dream filled with bonkers storylines, straight-edge messaging and low-key Christian propaganda. Despite this, 7th Heaven was a huge success, and now, it’s being considered for a second life in an upcoming reboot.
In case you need a refresher, 7th Heaven was about the daily lives of Reverend Eric Camden (Stephen Collins), his wife Annie (Catherine Hicks) and their seven (!!!!!) children. While the Camden kids had an idyllic life growing up in a small town in California, they were still faced with plenty of moral dilemmas, from smoking and drinking to violence and kissing your brother.
The series was an all-around ratings hit, running for 11 seasons between 1996 and 2007.
In 2014, the series’ image as a squeaky clean family-friendly fodder took a hit when it was revealed that Stephen Collins — who was often referred to lovingly as “America’s dad” — had confessed to molesting three children from 1973 to 1994 during a therapy session with his then-wife Faye Grant.
The chilling recording of his confession was released to TMZ and quickly circulated the internet. Collins later confessed in a lengthy statement to PEOPLE and disappeared from the public eye not long after.
However, despite Collins’ sordid confession, the series did cop a bit of a zeitgeist resurgence when comedian Rob Anderson started recapping some of the show’s most batshit storylines.
He really did the lord’s work. You can check out one of his many successful TikToks below.
This week, sneaky sources speaking to Variety claimed that a reboot of 7th Heaven is in early development stages at CBS Studios with OG cast member Jessica Biel as one of the executive producers. However, this iteration of the show won’t be featuring any old cast members. Instead, it’s rumoured to feature a brand new diverse family.
Personally, I am begging, nay pleading, that the bonkers storylines return too. So, with that in mind, here are the most outrageous storylines from 7th Heaven‘s 11-season run. Many of these scenes have been hilariously discussed by Rob, so we’ve included a bunch of his vids below too.
7th Heaven‘s most bonkers storylines
1. When Mary steals a glass and her brother gets arrested
In an episode aptly named “America’s Most Wanted”, Mary (Jessica Biel) is dared by her basketball team to steal a glass from their local cafe. It’s a long-standing tradition, and Mary just wants to fit in. When her parents find the glass, her older brother Matt (Barry Watson) takes the fall and their dad, Reverend Eric Camden, demands that Matt return the glass to the cafe and apologise.
Sadly for Matt, the cafer owner is a huge dick who decides to press charges and Matt has to go to court. During the very dramatic court case, Mary comes clean about her crime. But as the judge is about ot sentence the wayward kiddos, a whole heap of teenagers rock up with all the shit they had stolen to encourage the cafe owner to drop the charges.
Also in this episode, Reverend Eric, gets upset that people don’t know the words to the national anthem. There are bigger problems in the world, Eric.
2. Mary tries herbal energy pills
Things get pretty crazy with the older Camden kids when they experiment with herbal supplements. One day, Matt is offered a whole bottle of a herbal supplement supposed to help improve sports performance. That same week, one of Mary’s basketball teammates offered her some herbal pills during practice.
She takes them and feels like she’s fkn flying. Things take a pretty awful turn when Mary’s teammate has a heart attack after guzzling a bunch of the pills.
Watch out, Mary!!!!
3. Simon rats on a bunch of paint huffers
In an episode called “Who Nose” Simon (David Gallagher) volunteers to help spray paint a mural in his school for extra credit. When he gets to the mural, he finds out his fellow helpers are actually only there to huff the spray paint cans. The paint huffers are sus on Simon because they think he’s going to rat them out and truthfully I think that’s a fair assignment because he seems like a fkn rat.
Anyway, one of the boys ends up in hospital and eventually Simon convinces him to dob on his friends. See? He is a fkn rat.
4. The reverend locks his alcoholic sister in a room?!
One of the most diabolical episodes features Reverend Eric’s sister Julie (Deborah Raffin), who rocks up to celebrate Thanksgiving. At first, it’s all groovy, but she starts showing some signs that she might be drinking too much, like sneaking booze from the liquor cabinet and generally acting a bit drunk. But it all comes to a head when Julie, Simon and Ruthie (Mackenzie Rosman) are playing a game with the liquor cabinet key (???). Julie tries to get the key off him, but quickly loses her cool and throws him across the room.
Despite finding out that Julie is going through it after breaking up with her boyfriend and losing her job, and giving her an empathic ear, the family just make it very clear that they’re extremely disapproving of her and lock her in a room for four days.
Eventually, after days held captive, Julie gets a makeover from Mary and decides to go to rehab.
I’d do the same thing after being locked up by this wackadoo family, too.
5. Simon uses the middle finger
In one of the most cinematic 7th Heaven scenes, Simon is caught flipping the bird to some friends after school. Unlucky for Simon, he’s caught by not only his very ashamed mother Annie but the school principal too.
The episode is so dramatic that it’s called “Sin” and is split into two parts. The moment he’s caught is featured in slow motion glory, and the camera zooms on his mother’s absolutely shattered face.
Simon gets an absolute talking to from his mama, his papa and his older brother Matt, and I think they all need to relax but the principal agrees that it’s a very big deal and Simon gets suspended from school. YOWZA!!!!
6. Mama Annie reveals she smoked pot
In an episode entitled “Who Knew?” Matt is given a joint by a cool classmate (for free, might I add). Matt doesn’t smoke it right away, but he does pop it in his jacket. Unluckily for Matt, the family dog Happy picks up the joint and drops it at Reverend Eric’s feet. It sends him on an absolute dog hunt to find out which Camden kid is smoking a doobie.
After a family meeting, Matt confesses, and Reverend Eric goes bananas. Matt runs away, and instead of looking for him, the parents decide to go to the church to pray about it. Thankfully, Matt is already there praying and they all make up.
But the biggest twist is when the matriarch, Miss Annie, reveals to Reverend Eric that she once “experimented in college” by smoking the devil’s lettuce, he was shocked and appalled.
7. Mary wants Matt’s help with kissing (HE IS HER BROTHER)
It’s hard being Mary Camden. She’s tall and gorgeous and hasn’t been kissed. She doesn’t know where to put her hands, or her face, and doesn’t want to kiss a man shorter than she is.
So, instead of just risking it for the biscuit when she comes across a suitable smoocher, she asks her own brother to show her how it’s done.
That’s fucked up, Mary.
With that, I think that’s enough 7th Heaven tomfoolery for us all.
If you want more, you’ll have to wait for the reboot. Or, you can binge-watch all of Rob’s recaps HERE.
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