Name: Micronesia.
Age: Under 23.
Appearance: Perennially slumped of shoulders and miserable, and usually picking a football out of the back of the net.
Status: Whipping boys of the Pacific Games.
Pacific Games, eh? Sounds prestigious. Yes, but not especially enjoyable if you happen to be a fan of Micronesia. They’ve just finished bottom of their group.
Were they eliminated due to a last-minute own-goal howler, much like England’s proud footballing Lionesses? Not quite. They started with a 30-0 against Tahiti, followed that up with a hard-fought 38-0 defeat against Fiji, then lost 46-0 to Vanuatu.
Who is to blame for this debacle? At whose managerial desk does the buck stop? Their Australian coach is Stan Foster.
I have not heard of this man. He’s a recent addition to the managerial set-up. Interestingly, one of his managerial predecessors was none other than Paul Watson.
Ah yes. And who might he be? Well, for one thing, he is the brother of stand-up comedian Mark Watson. But he also turned his experiences of managing Micronesia in 2009 and 2010 into a book, Up Pohnpei, which in turn looks set to be made into a film.
And can he shed any light on the team’s current trough in form? Lack of funding. He compares sending a team like Micronesia out against the giants of Fiji as being like sending a Sunday league team out to play Liverpool.
If they’re so terrible at football, why do they do it? It’s a matter of principle and pride and the possibility of Fifa funding. If Micronesia keep putting a team out in tournaments, even if they keep getting hammered like this, they will qualify for Fifa development funding and may - wonder of wonders - actually receive it some day.
Presumably they’ll receive it in a plain brown envelope or in the form of expensive watches. Yes, that’s very biting and current, well done.
Is there any hope for Micronesia? Could they ever be the footballing mouse that roared? Absolutely. To give you some idea of what these tiny teams can do, only a few weeks ago the island of Guam, whose population of about 160,000 is not that much larger than that of Micronesia, beat India (population: 1.252 billion) 2-1 in a World Cup qualifier.
Do say: “Fiji’s 33rd was clearly offside and we spotted a push on the keeper for their 39th.”
Don’t say: “Can we play you/ Can we play you/ Can we play you every week?”
