THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD …
The word “crisis”, like the word “legend”, is overused these days. Indeed, the only things more overused than the words legend/crisis is the phrase “the words legend/crisis are overused these days”. And it’s almost always followed with “But …” before the speaker goes on to frame something that is in no way a crisis and based on spurious hyperbole, knee-jerk reactions and a tiny sample size as a bona fide, no-but-seriously-this-really-is-a-crisis-not-like-those-other-ones crisis.
With that in mind, the Fiver can say, without doubt, question or fear of contradiction, that three games after winning the World Cup, Germany are in crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you’ve got a moment, it’s a 12-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying “This Is a Large Crisis”. We really aren’t sure how they are going to get out of this one. They have, after all, lost two games! Two games from three! A 66% failure record! Chuck that World Cup trophy in the bin Jogi, it’s old news. Stop banging on about it like it means something. It was three months ago, man. Get with the times and stop living in the past.
And the bad news just keeps on coming for the embattled Germans, because arriving in town tonight is the rampaging, unstoppable force they call the Republic O’Ireland, fresh from giving Gibraltar a firm walloping last time out. Such is the state Germany find themselves in, The Bloke That Stands Next To Roy Keane (or “O’Ireland manager Martin O’Neill” as he’s sometimes also known) is set to go easy on them, generously giving the visitors a sporting chance of possibly eking out a result by playing Shane Long up top, which is sort of like promising that every player will only use their weaker foot. And good on him. We don’t want another of those embarrassing, one-sided qualifiers where there is no competition and nobody really gets anything from the whole experience. “They’ll be formidable opponents,” The Bloke That Stands Next To Roy Keane charitably parped, showing that he’s not taking this for granted, and won’t allow any complacency to creep in ahead of their inevitable victory.
At the very least, one would imagine all the Ireland players know who they’re facing tonight, but you can’t say the same for Germany’s, with Real Madrid string-puller Toni Kroos tweeting (in English, for reasons unclear) this afternoon: “Matchday!!! #GERSCO.” Of course it’s actually #GERIRE, whereas just down the road (it’s a pretty long road) is #POLSCO, with Wee Gordon Strachan’s men taking on Robert Lewandowski, Wojciech Szczesny and chums, the chaps who helped spark #GERCRISIS by giving them what for at the weekend. “I think this is the hardest group, I have always thought that, and Saturday’s results show that,” squeaked Strachan, peering over the edge of the table from atop his booster seat. “There are going to be ups and downs.” Of course if this season’s previous meetings between a team from Scotland and one from Poland are anything to go by, the Poles will comprehensively outplay and beat their opponents, before it emerges they have committed a minor admin error that had no impact on the result whatsoever, in response to which Uefa suits will lick their collective pencils and give the points to the losers anyway.
We tell you who ain’t losers though, and that’s Norn Iron. If Germany are in crisis (and, let us not forget, they most definitely, absolutely are) then the Norn Ironish are in … whatever the opposite of crisis is, chasing an unprecedented third qualifying victory on the spin when they face Greece. “I believe in the team,” hollered manager man Michael O’Neill before ripping off his shirt, Hulk Hogan-style, cupping one hand behind his ear, firing up I Am a Real American and elbow-dropping the nearest Greek bystander. “I think there is a sense that some people can get carried away and we are looked at as all conquering,” he well-let-me-tell-you-something-brothered, revealing himself to have very much got carried away by suggesting that anyone, anywhere might reckon his team are anything close to ‘all conquering’. Perhaps O’Neill has just caught European Championship qualifying campaign fever. The Fiver sure has – we got the fever and we don’t want no cure. Who’s with us?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When I say I’m sorry it’s because I regret something. Being sorry implies regret. But they have also sometimes judged me on things that aren’t true, such as the racism thing. I was accused without evidence and that’s what grieved me the most. The others were actions when it was me who did wrong. I accepted that and begged forgiveness, but the racism thing, when I was accused without evidence, that did upset me” – three years on and Luis Suárez won’t let it lie.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I see Neil Lennon’s taken a leaf out of his Queen’s Celtic successor’s book by banning his new Bolton players from things. Lenny’s followed on from Ronny Deila’s ban on chips, ketchup and fizzy drinks by banning bobble hats from the training ground. ‘I don’t want players training in hats because they don’t play football in hats,’ he said. I’m sure that’ll have the Trotters back in the Premier League in no time. Probably best to ban dungarees, Cuban-heeled shoes, tabards, and novelty cuff-links too, just in case” – Johnny Connelly.
“I hope Marc Sinfield’s prediction about Sol Campbell doing one to Ukip doesn’t come true (yesterday’s Fiver letters), if only because it implies that Ukip will go on to win the following election without losing a seat. At least we would be able to look forward to an increasingly erratic Nigel Farage going on to lead them into an extended, possibly permanent period of underachievement” – Tom Goodfellow.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
More bad news for Arsenal fans. After the revelation that Olivier Giroud will soon be back to full fitness, Tomas Rosicky has gone and picked up some leg-knack on international duty. “The doctor said I have something swollen between the muscles,” he said, possibly with a wink.
Neymar has fully cemented his reputation as the greatest footballer ever to take to a football field by scoring all four goals in an utterly meaningless friendly win over Japan.
Wales boss Chris Coleman is a relieved man after his 10 men held on to beat Cyprus 2-1 in Euro 2016 qualifying last night. “If he sends one of ours off, surely he can send one or two of theirs off,” he wibbled. “They weren’t shy either.”
Lord Ferg, the man who thought that appointing David Moyes would be a good idea, reckons Louis van Gaal is doing a bang-up job. “Once I got settled into the club, everything was fine. Louis is going through that same process and there’s no doubt in my mind that he will sort it out,” he Pravdaed to the in-house TV team.
Robbie Fowler has jumped in front of all the haters criticising a 19-year-old for admitting that he is a bit tired. “I take my hat off to Raheem,” chapeaued Fowler. “I’m chuffed that he had the guts to speak up and say what we did as it showed maturity. It was a selfless act and people are wrong to have a go at him. What he did was for the benefit of the team. Not everyone puts the team first like that.”
And, saving the best for last, the Red Insure Cup showdown between Hitchin Town and Arlesey Town had to be stopped so that a hedgehog could be removed from the pitch. “The linesman tried to take it off himself but I think he must have had his hand pr1cked,” honked Hitchin club secretary Roy Izzard. “The referee investigated and he more bravely put it over a fence.” Arlesey won 6-5 on penalties.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Will the return of Zlatan spark a winning run for PSG? Julien Laurens looks ahead to the forthcoming Ligue 1 action. And Andy Brassell ponders the question we pore over more than the meaning of life: who is the greatest goalscorer – Leo Messi or Telmo Zarra?
STILL WANT MORE?
If you thought you knew about 40 of the best young footballers in the world who were born in 1997, then you were probably telling porkies. Check out this interactive and load up on KNOWLEDGE.
If you thought Walsall versus Shrewsbury Town was as big as football rivalry gets, then you were wrong. Very wrong. It’s Albania against Serbia tonight and Sasa Ibrulj has the lowdown.
If you thought Guus Hiddink taking charge of Holland would be as successful as an underwater hair dryer, then you were right. Bart Vlietstra explains where it has all gone wrong for the Dutch.
If you thought that Martin O’Neill was the only person foolish enough to think that O’Ireland will get anything other than an whooping from their match in Germany, then you were wrong. Ian McCourt does too.
If you thought Roy Keane’s Hong Kong hoe-down with Peter Schmeichel would be replicated as Rocky IV, then you may have sent in an entry to this week’s Gallery.
And finally, if you bet your life savings on Tom Dart coming up with a heart-warming story about the Soca princesses arriving in the US with $500 to their names and ending up getting help from Haiti and the Clintons, then bravo to you.
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