There is a correct way to bum a cigarette
It is not boasting to the person who has spent nearly £20 on their party pack of Marlboro Golds that your new golden rule is never buying fags anymore, but always having a few.
Introducing yourself to people is to be applauded…
…but do it in the right way. Anyone who loudly interrupts a conversation with overbearing opinions will have a bad night. Just find a common topic — the food (they’ve just refreshed the canapés!), the booze (let me wave over the waiter for you)... And if all else fails, seek another loner to befriend. Everyone has been in this situation, and it’s best just to own it.
Don’t whinge on about your job (or treat a party as a job interview)
Unless you are famous and can slip in some serious gossip about the time you saw [insert A-list actor] throw [insert hard everyday object] at someone on set, avoid work chat. Instead, think of engaging things to say, such as: who is the ugliest celebrity you want to have sex with?
Kiss people
It’s always amusing to see unexpected people having a snog in the smoking area, and it gives everyone else something to giggle about.
Do not hog the oxygen
Take regular beats for review. If you feel like you’ve been talking for millennia and can’t remember anything somebody else has said, it is likely because you are unbearably dominating the conversation.
Regale scandalous celebrity mutterings if the going gets tough
Have you heard whispers of tremors inside royal marriages? Perhaps someone told you a tale about the Beckhams? Share your stories.
Don’t arrive without party condiments, if you need them
People who go around begging everyone for pick-me-ups all night are making sure they are the subject of nasty mutterings, all night. You’ll be offered it if anyone likes you enough.
Enthusiastic boozing is certainly encouraged
Slurring, stumbling and accidents are not. (Also see: don’t be sick, below.)
Don’t be sick
Find your own method for drinking all day without spitting up over your host’s toilet, and wiping your face on their specially purchased Tekla towels, or expect never to be invited back.
Party pictures by Dave Benett
