You may think that the newlywed phase is one of the easiest times in a marriage. But sometimes it’s the opposite. They say it’s all bliss, breakfast in bed, and gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes while you fold laundry together. But if you’re living in the real world, you know the reality is a little different. If you’re trying to figure out budgeting, living in a small apartment together, or merging finances, arguments can easily arise. Sometimes, it’s less The Notebook and more “Who left the wet towel on the bed again?” If you feel like you’re bickering more than you’re snuggling lately, it might not be what you’re fighting about; it’s how you’re operating. We all slip into bad habits that act like invisible gasoline on small sparks. Here are 9 common relationship habits that might be sneaking into your marriage, and how to kick them to the curb before they escalate.
1. The “Scorekeeping” Trap
Your spouse may have told you something like, “I did the dishes the last three nights, so you owe me.” This is a common marital trap called scorekeeping. It all starts when you start to treat marriage like a transaction. This is easy to do, especially when you’re tired from the everyday grind. But keeping a mental tally of every chore, favor, and backrub creates a “me vs. you” dynamic. You stop being a team and start being opposing accountants. Instead, couples should adopt the 100/100 mindset. Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s both of you giving 100%. If you feel overwhelmed, ask for help directly rather than presenting a scorecard of your recent good deeds. This way, resentments don’t fester.
2. “Phubbing” (Phone Snubbing)
You’re telling your spouse about your day, and they offer a sympathetic “Mmhmm”… while scrolling through Instagram. That’s phone snubbing or “phubbing.” It sends a silent message that the meme on the screen is more interesting than the human in the room. This micro-rejection builds up resentment that eventually explodes over something unrelated. So, how do you combat the invisible pull of your phones? Try to create a phone-free zone for the first 20 minutes after you both get home. Reconnecting face-to-face can do wonders for your marriage.
3. The Hangry Discussion
We’ve all been there. You try to discuss the monthly budget or the in-law visit right when you get home from work. But your blood sugar is low, you’re exhausted, and suddenly you’re crying because there’s nothing you want to eat in the house. It’s not being overly emotional, you’re just hangry. Some couples have to institute a strict “No Heavy Talks on an Empty Stomach” rule. If a topic feels tense, pause and ask, “Have we eaten?” A brief reset to take care of your basic needs can reframe the entire conversation. What could have become an argument easily becomes a meaningful conversation when your bellies are full.
4. Texting About Touchy Subjects
Texting is great for sending grocery lists or memes. It is terrible for discussing feelings. Without tone of voice or facial expressions, a simple “We need to talk” or “Did you pay the electric bill?” can read as aggressive or accusatory. If a text takes more than two sentences or involves an emotion, stop typing. Call them or wait until you’re home. Checking yourself before pressing send can make all the difference.
5. The “Mind Reader” Expectation
“He should know why I’m mad.” Spoiler alert: He doesn’t. Expecting your partner to intuitively know your needs sets them up to fail. When they inevitably don’t guess correctly, you get hurt, and they get confused. In marriage, you have to learn to over-communicate. It feels unromantic to say, “I need a hug because I had a bad day” or “I need you to take out the trash because the smell is stressing me out,” but clarity saves so much energy. Especially early in marriage, you’ll have to learn your spouse’s communication style. With effort, you’ll start to become more attuned to how your spouse prefers to communicate.
6. The “Saver vs. Spender” Judgment
Since you’re newlyweds on a budget, money is likely tight. This often leads to the “Saver” scrutinizing every coffee the “Spender” buys, or the “Spender” hiding purchases to avoid a lecture. This erodes trust faster than overdraft fees. Something that may help is to agree on a “No Questions Asked” allowance. Even if it’s just $20 a month each, having a small pot of money you don’t have to justify to each other creates a sense of freedom within the budget. Some modern couples even choose to keep finances separate and have one shared account for expenses. Talking about money early can help you and your partner decide what works best for your relationship. There’s no right or wrong answer here; you just have to be on the same page.
7. Bringing Up “Ancient History”
You’re arguing about whose turn it is to walk the dog, and suddenly you’re yelling about that time in 2022 when they forgot your cousin’s birthday. Bringing up past resolved issues to win a current argument is a dirty fighting tactic. It makes your partner feel like they can never truly be forgiven. Stay in the present. If you’re fighting about the dog, fight about the dog. Leave ancient history in the past. Arguments are normal, but fighting fair is essential.
8. The Roommate Rut
When you’re trying to save money, date nights are often the first thing to go. You stop “dating” and start just “existing” together, discussing only logistics, bills, and chores. You become excellent roommates but distant spouses. What’s the solution? Budget-friendly dates! You don’t need a 5-star restaurant. A walk in the park, a board game night with cheap wine, or cooking a new recipe together counts. It’s possible to keep the romance alive on the cheap.
9. The Silent Treatment Spiral
When conflict hits, one person shuts down and goes silent to avoid the fight. The other person panics and pushes harder to get a reaction. It’s a toxic cycle that solves nothing and leaves both people feeling lonely. It is okay to need a break, but you have to announce it. Instead of storming off, say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I don’t want to say something mean. I need 20 minutes to cool down, and then we can finish this.” Breaking the cycle in this way can help de-escalate the situation and help you both work toward a resolution.
The Truth About Arguments
Ultimately, you’re going to argue with your spouse. And it’s completely healthy. But how you argue matters. Remember, marriage is a long game. You don’t have to be perfect, but being aware of these little habits can save you a lot of headaches and heartaches. Pick one habit from this list to work on this week; your relationship will thank you!
Have you been arguing with your partner? Let us know in the comments what triggers an argument in your relationship.
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