In the day-to-day rhythm of a long-term relationship, it’s easy to let our words become careless. We don’t mean to cause harm, but certain phrases, even when said casually, can land like a blow. These comments can make your partner feel undervalued, chipping away at their confidence and your connection. Recognizing these verbal missteps is the first step toward fostering a communication style that consistently makes your partner feel seen, cherished, and appreciated.
1. “It’s not a big deal.”
When your partner is upset about something, dismissing their feelings as “not a big deal” is profoundly invalidating. To them, it *is* a big deal, and your comment tells them that their emotional response is wrong or disproportionate. This phrase shuts down conversation and can make your partner feel alone in their struggle. A better response is to validate their feelings with something like, “I can see this is really upsetting you. Tell me more about it.”
2. “You always…” or “You never…”
Using absolute statements like “always” and “never” during a disagreement is rarely accurate and immediately puts your partner on the defensive. These phrases turn a specific complaint into a global criticism of their character. Instead of saying, “You never help with the dishes,” try focusing on the specific instance and your feelings: “I felt overwhelmed when I had to clean the kitchen by myself tonight.” This approach invites collaboration rather than conflict.
3. “My ex used to do that differently.”
Comparing your current partner to a former one is one of the quickest ways to make your partner feel undervalued. Whether the comparison is positive or negative, it introduces a third person into your relationship and invites insecurity and resentment. Your partner wants to feel that they are your one and only, not that they are being measured against a ghost from your past. Keep your relationship history out of your present dynamic.
4. “If you really loved me, you would…”
This phrase is a form of emotional manipulation. It attempts to guilt your partner into doing something by questioning the very foundation of their love for you. True love is not transactional or conditional. Using this tactic can coerce them into compliance in the short term, but it breeds long-term resentment and damages trust. Healthy requests are based on mutual respect, not emotional blackmail.
5. “I make the money, so I make the rules.”
In a partnership, contributions come in many forms—financial, emotional, domestic, and more. Tying decision-making power directly to income creates a toxic power imbalance. It devalues all the non-monetary contributions your partner makes to the relationship and household. This can make your partner feel like an employee rather than an equal partner, which is incredibly demeaning and will surely make your partner feel undervalued.
6. “Are you really going to wear that?”
Criticizing your partner’s appearance, even under the guise of helpful advice, can be deeply hurtful. This question implies that you are embarrassed by them or that their judgment is poor. It chips away at their self-esteem and can make them feel scrutinized and insecure. If you have a genuine concern, there are kinder ways to phrase it, but in general, it’s best to trust your partner to dress themselves.
7. “Just relax” or “Calm down.”
Telling someone who is upset to “calm down” has literally never calmed anyone down, ever. It’s dismissive and condescending, implying that their emotional state is an overreaction and an inconvenience to you. This command invalidates their feelings and can escalate the situation. Instead, show empathy. Acknowledge their emotion by saying, “This sounds really frustrating,” which shows you’re listening, and you care.
8. “I was just kidding.”
Using “I was just kidding” as a shield after saying something hurtful is a classic cop-out. It’s a way to avoid taking responsibility for your words and their impact. This phrase puts the blame on your partner for being “too sensitive” instead of on you for being unkind. If your “joke” hurt their feelings, it wasn’t a good joke. A sincere apology is what’s needed, not a defensive dismissal.
9. Silence
Sometimes, the most damaging comment is no comment at all. When your partner accomplishes something and you meet it with silence, or when they need support and you offer none, the absence of your words speaks volumes. Withholding praise, encouragement, or comfort can make your partner feel invisible and unimportant. Active engagement and verbal affirmation are essential to making your partner feel loved and valued.
Building Each Other Up with Words
The words we choose have the power to create a safe, loving environment or a space filled with insecurity. Avoiding comments that make your partner feel undervalued isn’t about walking on eggshells; it’s about being mindful and intentional. By replacing these hurtful phrases with words of validation, empathy, and appreciation, you actively build a stronger, more resilient, and more loving partnership.
What is one phrase or compliment that always makes you feel appreciated by your partner? Share it in the comments below!
Read more:
How to Appreciate Your Own Growth Without Comparing Yourself
5 Compliments Women Actually Hate
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